If it's crap ... We'll tell you
In this blog I’ll take you inside a hotel with a pet croc outback, on the high seas with an evil Shamu, hang with big fat man-eating Jackrabbits, meet the man-eating lions of Tsavo, chill with a fellow who has a little monkey shine, see what happens when seagulls go mental, learn about a new deadly breed of killer spiders, fully understand the value of having a bigger boat, see why rat fetishes aren’t a big turn on, but best of all watch Dee Wallace take on a big ass St. Bernard. We are about to take a big bit out of a fat cheese sandwich with a side of runny camp…. you ready?
Tobe Hooper’s follow up film after The Texas Chain Saw Massacre is the story of a crazy innkeeper and his pet crocodile. Because who doesn’t have a pet croc in their backyard? The movie takes place in…..I really don’t know where this movie takes place, I think just down the road from the power-tool wielding cannibal family from Hooper’s earlier, more superior horror film. That’s not saying Eaten Alive is a bad film it just isn’t as good a horror movie as TCSM. The movie opens in a brothel with a hillbilly named Buck.* Buck isn’t played by just anyone, we get a very young baby-faced Robert England.
Buck is having trouble with the hooker he just paid for because he wants to screw her in a very uncomfortable place, and I don’t mean like the back seat of a Volkswagen. The whore it turns out is just starting out in the business and after all the trouble she started she doesn’t last long at the brothel. So the hooker goes to the only place in town she can stay the night, the starlight hotel. Here we meet the innkeeper names Judd played by Neville Brand, who does an okay job playing crazy but Anthony Perkins is still the best psycho proprietor in film history. Once we meet Judd the movie plays out just like you’d imagine. Somebody shows up at the hotel and Judd or the croc kills them. A nice body count and a good cast keep Eaten Alive enjoyable and watchable unlike Tobe Hooper other killer crocodile movie.
Dino De Laurentiis and Paramount response to Steven Spielberg’s and Universal’s Jaws, and if the name Dino sounds familiar to you let’s play a little movie association game.
and if there is one thing you don’t wanna do it’s piss off Shamu. The man responsible for the death of the Orca is Cap. Nolan played by Richard Harris, you younger spill members may know him better as Dumbledore in the first two Potter films, me I’ll always remember him as English Bob from Unforgiven. Here he is doing his best Robert Shaw impression.** Orca has a nice body count in it and really isn’t that the reason we watch pissed-off nature movies to begin with?
We also get a very young always sexy Bo Derek in her first supporting role. Is Orca as good as Jaws? No, but it is a fun movie that’s worth a look if you, like me enjoy ridiculous stories about vengeful animals.
Easily the campiest of all the killer animal films on my list, Night of the Lepus is about giant man-eating rabbits…sniff….sniff…Oh yeah, you can smell that cheese from here. If you, like me love sci-fi movies from the 1950s you’ll enjoy Night of the Lepus. When a jackrabbit in a lab is injected with hormones to help try and slow the reproduction rate of the jackrabbits in a small town in the Midwest in order to try and save farmers from geting eaten out of house and home (yeah that makes sense doesn’t it? No? Just me, okay) wouldn’t you know it one of the rabbits escapes from the lab and grows into a giant, as big as a wolf one person says. Over time and with a lot of rabbit love, other jackrabbits in town follow and soon we have over 100 rampaging giant rabbit that eat everything in their way from people and horses, even cattle.
In true 1950 sci-fi fashion the military is called in and a plan is hatched to electrify a stretch of railway track to toast the giant lepus as soon as they cross. And if that sounds dumb to you, that’s because it is, but dumb in a laugh of loud kind of way. I’m actually kind of shocked at just how good a cast this movie has. Jenet Leigh from Psycho and the Fog, Stuart Whitman from City Beneath the Sea, Paul Fix from numerous westerns and DeForest Kelley all have staring roles. In fact the only thing that would of made this movie even more fun then it already is, is if DeForst Kelley had a line like “Damn it Jim! I’m a doctor not a zoologist!” This is also the only movie on my list I’d like to see get a remake if only to see what they can do with killer rabbits and CGI. A fun campy film from the 1970 and a must see for any classic sci-fi/ horror fan, or lover of camp.
A psychopathic monkey with a gun?
In fact that same scientist has a chance to kill the evil monkey when he has it in his hands but instead of just killing the little bastard, choke it, stomp it, use blunt force trauma, something! No instead Mr. Scientist decides the smart thing to do is to inject enough poison into the monkey to kill a cow… Must be all the speed he did. Also I defy any of you not to laugh during the surreal scene when the monkey meets its maker. All in all Monkey Shines provided me with 2 hours of amusing entertainment. One of Romero’s more goofy film, check it out if you’re a fan.
When I first saw The Ghost in the Darkness I had already learned about the man-eating lions from Tsavo, Africa, so needles to say I had very high hopes for this one. The Ghost in the Darkness has got a little bitty teeny tiny very small thin slice of fact and a whole lotta fiction. Example, there really were two lions that attacked and killed over 20 railroad workers and there really was a man named John Patterson who hunted and killed the two 9 foot long lions, albeit not the same way as in the film. Everything else in this film is 100% pure bullshit. Still in all that BS there is a good movie, Michael Douglas and Val Kilmer both do a great job in their roles they even play off each other well enough to keep my attention. I enjoyed the look of the movie and the way they filmed the hunting scenes as well as the night scenes which left a cold shiver down my spine the first time I saw them. And even if the lions of Tsavo our maneless,
I liked the look of the lions in this movie. Just something about a lion with a mane, it just looks right or is it just me? That’s probably why the filmmakers went with that look. In spite of all the factual inaccuracies the Ghost in the Darkness is worth a watch, if only for the well done attack and hunting scenes.
Itsie, bitsie spiders, they give most of us the willies, their not insects, they have 8 eyes and 8 legs, there is over 30,000 known species of spiders and they all have venom in their fangs but most amazing of all just look at what they can make with their butts.
Arachnophobia is a very entertaining horror flix produced by Steven Spielberg and staring Jeff Daniel as Dr. Ross Jennings, a big city doctor who is relocated to a small county town. He not only doesn’t fit in but he also has an uncontrollable fear of spiders which as luck would have it spiders are prevalent in the area he moved. Just to make matters worse for the good doctor a new, very lethal breed of spider has moved into the small town from South America. The movie also stars John Goodman as the local exterminator Delbert Mcclintock who not only has all the best lines in the film but he also offers up enough jokes to lead into a very entertaining climax. There may not be anything groundbreaking about Arachnophobia but for the Halloween season this movie doesn’t disappoint.
What can I say about Jaws that hasn’t been said before? Jaws it was the original summer blockbuster, it’s the story of a small island community being terrorized by a 25 foot long great white shark and the three men responsible for hunting it down and saving Amity. After a shark attack on two people happens Chief Martin Brody played by the late great Roy Scheider tries and fails to close the beaches over the 4th of July weekend after another attack happens Brody calls in reinforcement. A marine biologist name of Matt Hooper played by the always enjoyable Richard Dreyfuss and the crusty old shark hunter and caption of the ship Orca (don’t get me started on that again) Quint played by the late Robert Show. Robert Show has the best role in the film, not only does he get all the best lines and a great monologue about the USS Indianapolis, but he also gets one of the greatest death scenes in movie history.
(I Think He'll Be OK!?....maybe?)
Willard is truly a memorable thriller from the 1970’s. Willard is the story of shy, outcast Willard Stiles and his best friend Ben who happens to be a rat……Ben?...Rat?...Hey!?
Add to all this Bruce Davidson touching and creepy performance as Willard and you got yourself one of the best killer animal films ever made. A bit rare to find this film these days, I don’t believe it even has a DVD release yet, but seek Willard out if you can also try and find the 1972 sequel to Willard rightly titled Ben, there is a remake as well but I love the original more, check it out if you’ve never seen it.
Ohh, it so cute
The whole movie made me think twice about what I would do if I was in such a situation. Would I try running for it? Would I try attacking the dog? Or would I just wait and hope help arrives?***** Cujo is a top notch suspense film that is a must see not just for Stephen King fans but horror fans of all kinds.
(Take that all you Orca fans, all 5 of you) and best of all being in Jaws: The Revenge were they actually rip-off the plot of Orca about a animal out for revenge. So Orca is a rip off of Jaws and Jaws 4 is a rip-off of Orca so then Jaws 4 is a rip-off of a rip-off? No wonder that movie sucked!