Watchmen, your angel of review awaits...

Let’s admit it: Alan Moore is God. OK, he’s more than a little eccentric, but the man is one of the greatest writers alive, and is the author of one of the most famous works of graphic literature ever. A deconstruction of superheroes (as well as heroes in general), Moore’s Watchmen touched on many themes concerning God, fate, nuclear Armageddon, and one of the most frightening questions ever to be posed by any work of literature: exactly who is watching the people who claim to be watching over you, be they people in tights or the politicians who we trust to safeguard our country? In the wake of the new wave of dark superhero films such as The Dark Knight, it was only a matter of time before an adaptation of Alan Moore’s masterpiece of flawed heroes appeared in theaters. Zack Snyder has accomplished this task, but the question remains: should you watch the Watchmen, or are you better off keeping your eyes shut?

Watchmen takes place in an alternate reality version of 1985 in which superheroes not only exist, but have also changed the course of American history. The Vietnam War ended in a surrender of the Viet Cong after a week and a Watergate-free Nixon has taken advantage of the country’s fear of Communism to push through legislation that allows him to serve more than two terms (in fact, the film tells us that he is serving his fifth term). However, superheroes have been outlawed due to the fact that they have caused more problems than they solved. After the murder of a murderously nihilistic vigilante known as The Comedian, aka Edward Blake (Jeffery Dean Morgan), a group of retired superheroes try to unravel the mystery while simultaneously dealing with their own personal baggage.

At least this is what the marketing campaign would have us believe. In truth, the majority of the characters in Watchmen have all the depth of the average soap opera caricature, and their problems and psychology behind their motives are barely touched on for the most part. A passing mention is given to how Laury Jupiter/Silk Specter II (Malin Akerman) was forced into becoming a costumed adventurer by her mother, Dan Dreiberg’s/Nite Owl’s (Patrick Wilson) costume fetish is barley alluded to, Rorschach’s (Jackie Earl Haley) origin story fails to fully explain exactly why he chose to don his inkblot mask in the first place, and once brought up they are never given a second thought. The character who gets the biggest blue shaft is Adrian Vedit/Ozymandiaz (Mathew Goode), a crimefighter turned industrial tycoon. He plays a very pivotal role in the film, but he is given a criminally small amount of screentime, and what little of the film he is in doesn’t come close to fleshing him out satisfactorily.

The major problem most of the characters confront is the fact that the way that they are written is about as consistent as a bowl of grits. At points, the script conveniently re-writes characters to suit its own ends. For instance, it’s established at one point that The Comedian’s mind was broken after uncovering something awful, but in the opening scene which chronologically follows the incident, he is fully in charge of himself and puts up a major fight before going down. Laury also suffers from this; it is established that she distastes the whole crimefighting lifestyle her mother forced her into, but afterwards she exhibits absolutely no signs of this, acting gung ho about engaging in violence almost to the point of bloodlust. At one point she brutally murders a gang member with all the remorse of a sociopath (an impression that is not dissuaded by the actress’ deadpan performance).

Zack Snyder keeps reminding us that Watchmen is not meant for youths, but his methods end up backfiring on the film. Rather than focusing more on mature themes and telling a good story, Snyder constantly shoves wanton sex and bloody violence in the audience’s face. For instance, the many action scenes present in Watchmen are so gorily cartoonish and ludicrously over the top that I kept expecting to see words like PAIN!, SNAP!, and DEATH! typed across the screen like some perverted tribute to Adam West. John Woo also gets a few nods during the film in the form of the hugest abuses of bullet time (granted, these shots are not as bad as the five second impalement scenes from 300, but they wear out their welcome fast). The gratuitous prolonged shots of a sex scene are also bungled horribly. What should be a moving scene comes across as a parody of really bad porno set to Hallelujah (one of many instances in which the musical cues are completely inappropriate). In the end, it is made clear that kids have no business seeing this film, but it also feels far too immature in the way it is portrayed for adults to be predisposed to invest much in.

The direction is all over the place as well. Acting performances are mostly average all around, except for the woman playing the original Silk Specter/Sally Jupiter (Carla Gugino). The only way to account for her hammy performance is to assume that after hearing that he wouldn’t be in the new Star Trek film, William Shatner dressed in drag and covered himself up in some of the most hilariously bad makeup (almost outdoing a laughable Richard Nixon with a nose that will fuel phallic jokes for years to come) to get some work. Billy Crudup’s performance as Doctor Manhattan is good, but the choice of Snyder to have him act slightly emotional doesn’t fit with his image of being detached from humanity as dictated by his dialogue. The Comedian teeters between being lifelessly boring to amazingly stirring. The only actor who gives a consistently good performance is Jackie Earl Haley as the uncompromising sociopath Rorschach. Everything about him is terrifying, be it watching him do some of the most horrible things imaginable to people or something as simple as talking in his maddeningly broken monotone. Ozymandiaz does a fine job as well, but his acting makes his ultimate role in the film painfully transparent and obvious even to those not familiar with the book.

With all that said, Watchmen isn’t entirely devoid of merit. Some of the dramatic moments are amazingly moving to the point that I was in tears, and the visual design of the world of Watchmen is gorgeous to look at. OK, it blatantly looks like almost all of the exterior scenes were shot on a sound stage in front of a green screen, but the film never feels as fake as Snyder’s dud 300 (but the way the that Snyder has characters pose melodramatically for the camera is still present and still just as annoying), and even when the scenery isn’t strong in its technical aspects, the sheer artistry of the environment more than makes up for any of its blemishes. There is one glaring flaw that all the artistry and imagination in the whole film can even begin to make up for: the music. Don’t get me wrong, I love 99 Luftballons as much as the next guy, but the soundtrack feels like it was done by having someone pull random songs out a hat from the 80’s (with the exception of the most out of place Sound of Silence), and most of the songs turn their respective scenes into unintentional comedies. For example, the film’s opening credits (while extraordinarily creative) are full of somber scenes that clash abysmally with Bob Dylan’s Times Are a Changing (one scene showing a man in a moth suite being hauled off by the men in white coats elicited the most jeers from the audience I was with).



Despite all the flaws I saw in the film, I still liked Watchmen. Sure, the narrative is so disjointed it risks losing even those who have read the book (Hello? Why are we on Mars?) and Snyder’s direction has all the subtlety of one of those really bad educational films from MST3K, but the film kept me interested until the end. Sadly, it was at this point that the script jumped the shark with in a way so bad it would make George “Fridge-Nuker” Lucas cry. Dave Gibbons, who apparently wrote this part of the script, should stick to doing artwork. It’s hard to explain just how unbelievably dumb the end is without spoiling the film, but all I will say is that anyone in the government with half a brain could easily uncover the plot (no ‘military intelligence’ jokes, please), and even assuming that the no one ever did figure out the Scooby-Doo plot, the aftermath is less convincing than an issue of World Weekly News.

SPOILER ALERT!!!!


When you believe that your planet is under attack by someone with the powers of a god, would you bond together to fight him? I thought so. Seems logical, given that said god can’t be killed, doesn’t it? But, that’s assuming that the government who had been watching their key defense asset like a hawk did not have a psychological profile on him that did not fit the attacks, and that said government couldn’t follow the obvious paper trail to a man whose idea of secrecy is to wax poetic on Alexander the Great’s quest to unite the world in public. You know, the guy that the government has actively let their pet god work with to create free energy instead of having him do so in service to the country (ah, but how else would we insert an anachronistic anti-fossil fuel message?). The whole thing has ‘Idiot Plot’ written all over it.


SPOILERS END


All in all, Watchmen is not a good film, but nor is it a bad film. Its heart is in the right place, and the film is fairly stunning to look at, but Zack Snyder’s inability to direct actors or interest in telling a well structured story ultimately sink the film. If you really feel the urge to see Watchmen as soon as possible, you might want to catch a matinee, but everyone else is better of renting it.