Watchmen: Review'd

I'll be brief in my introduction. This movie had many major flaws I'd like to address...

Watchmen is not an action story. And someone needs to explain this to Zack Snyder, because we wasted four minutes with a fight we didn't need to see that could have been spent on actual plot and character development in the opening. That wouldn't be too big of a gripe if it hadn't happened again at least three more times in the movie. Why couldn't an editor who actually cared about making a truly great film cut that crap out?

"Rorschach's Journal, May 6th 2009. Saw Watchmen today. Character in mask was handsom devil."
The Smurf Shmeckle. If you don't know by now, Doctor Manhattan is completely naked for the majority of the film, and it is the most distracting thing I've ever experienced in a movie. I'm getting into the plot, following the emotional struggle between Manhattan and Laurie, then all of a sudden there's a GIANT BLUE PENIS in the middle of my movie experience. I don't care what the fanboys think, give the guy some pants. I don't want to see Manhattan's yoohoo.

"I'm thinking of working at Chip 'n Dale's part time, what do you think?"
Zack Snyder secretly wants to direct a porno. He finds any reason in the movie to make uncomfortably long scenes involving sex when you can easily cut to the end of their session instead, which would have actually added to the film rather than taken anything away. He spends three minutes wasting our time on a sex scene when there are possible subplots he could be using to make the movie better. Plus, when I'm in a theater of more than fifty people, it's rather uncomfortable to find yourself watching soft-core pornography. I prayed to God I wouldn't accidentally touch the person next to me due to lack of comfort.

"I get so hot when you blow people up with your mind, Jon."
Horrible music choices. Through many points in this movie, people were laughing at the music during what are supposed to be serious scenes. I don't care what time period we're in, just stick to mood music and keep it serious. Many potentially great scenes were ruined by inappropriate music choices.

"I need some mood music. How about 'Wonderful World' by Louie Armstrong?"
Unnecessary Gore. There's a difference between necessary gore and unnecessary gore. Showing the brutality of Rorschach through a dog with it's head cracked open is necessary. Having a man's remains on the ceiling, or hacking at the top of a man's head, or sawing off a man's arms is not. This happens too many times to be ignored, and it once again takes away from the story.

"Well, at least I went out in style!"
Certain aspects needed to be explained for the general public as well, such as Rorschach's mask and Ozymandius's genetically altered lynx, as well as the fact that Doctor Manhattan influenced technology ahead of it's time so people don't lose their sense of plausibility in the story. And the makeup was horrible, Nixon's face made the movie look like a comedy flick.

Zack Snyder took Watchmen and dumbed it down for Hollywood. He obviously had some respect for the material, but in the end it wasn't anywhere near enough. It had the potential to be much better than the Dark Knight, but Zack Snyder's lack of skill when it comes to telling a compelling story dragged it down to a MATINEE at best.

Watchmen, you just got Review'd!