I'm way behind on these but here it is anyway!

Spoiler Alert. Spoiler Alert! #Spoiler Alert – You’ve been warned, spoilers lie ahead, so don’t come crying to me because I don’t want to hear it.

We start off this episode with Shane being chased by hungry, hungry walkers and seeking safe haven in the magic school bus. I’m sure he mused to himself that, this never happened at my old zombie apocalypse. Nearby, the now retired from parkour kid, who's name is Randall I guess, is tied up and trying to escape being eaten alive. Apparently the walkers interrupted some intense bondage play. For shame. They looked like they were having such a good time.

I-I-forgot my safe word!

If you recall from the previous episode, Triggerfinger, Rick and Lori had a little heart to heart about Rick’s ex bff, Shane, wanting to go back to playing house with Lori; over Rick’s dead body, quite literally. So Rick, being the bad ass that he is, nut checks Shane and let's him know that it’s time to have “the talk”. Shane is more than a little reluctant to chit-chat with Rick but he eventually caves. Rick tells Shane that he needs to back the fuck up and stay away from his woman. Oh, and his son too. And the bun that Lori’s got baking in the oven? You guessed it; he let Shane know he needs to keep his distance from his unborn child as well. I believe Rick may have also mentioned something about breaking Shane’s jaw and letting him choke on his teeth, were he to not heed his warning, but let’s not get caught up on the details. After Rick draws his line in the sand, Shane explains that he only left Rick for dead because one of them had to survive. And he only had Lori call him daddy, because he figured Rick was as good as dead so there was no good reason to let a nice piece of woman like that go to waste. I mean, with everyone getting eaten left and right beggers can't be chooser right? Shane then volunteers the information that he neverlooked at Lori's sweet, sweet ass before he left Rick to die. I doubt even Shane believed what he was saying.

Lori let you do what?!

We see how the bondage party got started as Rick and Shane traffic Randall, bound and gagged, inside the trunk of their car. As they drive out to find a suitable place to drop the kid off, Rick suggests to Shane that since they're in a real-life Resident Evil they need to conserve ammo and instead preform lobotomies on the walkers they encounter. Rick obviously didn't feel that walkers were poising a serious enough threat so why not up the ante? While Shane pretends to pay attention, a walker staggers about, grazing the country side. It's quite the scenic view, lemme tell ya. Think the show Kung Fu only with David Carradine practicing drunken boxing with half of his face bitten off.

If you find yourself alone riding in green fields with the sun on your face, do not be troubled, for you are in Elysium and you're already undead!

The second Beth opens her mouth she starts trying to lay a guilt trip on Lori for being pregnant and bringing a baby into such a hellish world filled with blood thirsty Undead cannibals. Okay, so she doesn't actually go into that much detail but if you read between the lines I'm pretty sure that's what she was implying. To be fair, she makes a good point, but that doesn't help her come off as any less of a bitch. Just sayin'. Regardless, Beth is actually pretty pivotal to this episode unlike say, T-dog. I mused last episode that maybe, just maybe T-dog would get a whopping two lines this episode but the writers of the show did us one better and he's wasn't even featured in the episode at all.

I suppose it could be worse, he could have went out like Dale...

Rick gives Shane a "how-to" on preforming lobotomies on walkers with a pocket knife and a bloody finger. Step One: Once you've spotted a potential victim, cut your finger. Step Two: While safely behind a chain link fence, smear your blood on the fence to draw the walker within reach. Step Three: While the walker goes to town on your on plasma donation, ever so delicately stab the walking through the forehead. Rinse and Repeat. Personally, this is how I would imagine MacGyver handling himself in the midst of a zombie Apocalypse.

Don't worry I got my doctorate from the University of Phoenix, Online!

While they scavenge for supplies they come across two dead walkers, who were once Sheriff's deputies back when they were among the living, lying side-by-side; like any good bffs should. They "inspect" their bodies, Shane pokes one with a shotgun, and ascertain that scratches turned them into walkers. As if they didn't already have the deck stacked against them, now a fucking hangnail can act as a death touch. I honestly have no idea how the hell that would even work when "zombie DNA" is contained in the blood and saliva or god forbid other bodily fluids. To be clear walkers don't cry...

What the - I don't even...

Once Randall realizes that their field trip is going to end with him left stranded with nothing but a knife and the clothes on his back, he doesn't actually see it as a weekend retreat. So he begins screaming and hollering, pleading for them not to leave him and and how leaving him there is as good as them killing him themselves. *yawn* What was I on about again? Oh yeah, so he's crying because the thought of being treated like an after dinner mint just doesn't sit right with him. Well, good ole Randall learns a valuable lesson; sometimes it’s best to keep your damn mouth shut and just play the cards that fate as dealt you. Because in the midst of his cries he mentions that he went to school with Maggie. And apparently Maggie doesn't know who he is but he was totally creeping on her. He mentions that he knows her father, Hershel, as well. Rick and Shane don't sound too happy to hear that. They have no plans to allow Randall to rendezvous with his buddies and then come around to Hershel's ranch asking to borrow a cup of sugar. Rick and Shane have a brief side bar before Shane makes an executive decision and tries to shoot Randall in the head. Rick knocks Shane on his ass with a patented not in my house and reminds Shane that he's the man in charge. All Shane can do is look up at Rick, like a kid who's just had his toy taken away.

We're just going out back to have a chat, right?!

Shane is arguably the most complex character in the show. He walks the line between hero and villain; as Rick's main rival and his antagonist. He's easily the most rationale person in their group but he's also the most self-serving. On top of that he's a bit of sociopath. When Shane is first introduced in the show he doesn't seem all that bothered that everything around him has changed and society as he once knew it had collapsed around him. He didn't seem bothered at all because out of the chaos came with it opportunity; he finally had the opportunity to have the family that he so coveted, Rick's family. With Rick left 4 dead, he became a father to Carl and he was able finally get a taste of Lori's sweet nectar. He's possibly even the father of Lori's unborn child. This is important because the moment he sees Rick alive, it was like waking up from the best dream you've ever had. Fast forward to the present. Shane is obsessed with recapturing the life he was able to have if only ever so briefly. He even justifies claiming Rick's family as his own because he believes that Rick can't keep them safe. Shane believes that only hecan make the decisions necessary to keep them out of harms way. So when Rick stops him from killing Randall, Shane feels like Rick just proved his point. He bluntly points out to Rick that he doesn't have the testicular fortitude to keep them safe. Rick offers a rebuttal by trying to feed Shane his right hand. As sweet as it would have been to see Rick absolutely clobber Shane in the mouth, it was that much more sweet to see Shane block Rick's punch and bust Rick in the mouth with a headbutt.

No seriously! How the fuck did you talk Lori into letting you do that!?

The second Rick hits the ground, Shane immediately pulls his gun trying to shoot Randall. Rick shuts Shane down with the quickness and this time successfully feeds Shane several right hands. Shane again gets the upper-hand courtesy of dropping a motorcycle on Rick's leg. Then he tries yet again to shoot Randall, who's squirming, frantically to cut himself free. Rick pulls out his best Superman impression and stops Shane yet again. Rick, welcomes Shane to the octagon, mounts him and delivers a sweet three punch combo. It's funny to note the sound when Rick lands the third punch on Shane's face; It sounds completely out of the place like a giant bug was just squashed. Rick must have pillow hands because Shane looked just as fresh faced as ever afterwards.

It's not a motorcycle baby, it's a chopper!

Shane then goes Half-Life: Opposing Force and tosses a monkey wrench at Rick which missing horribly. It was so off it made me wonder if he just threw the wrench in a fit of anger or if he was actually intending to hit Rick with it. Regardless, it had some unforeseen consequences. Not only did Shane break a window, which is not only seven years of bad luck, but it got the attention of numerous walkers. And they didn’t take too kindly to Shane breaking their window. Rick shows the walker that he's real torn up about Shane breaking their window by stabbing the walker in the head. Unfortunately for Rick and Shane, there were a shit ton of walkers who really really liked that window. Needless to say, the walkers ran out of the building looking mighty pissed off.

You should have got the reference, if you didn't, for shame!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Beth tries to sneak cookies into bed. Okay, not really cookies. More like a knife, which is slightly less delicious. She's apparently bought into the whole emo fad and wants to commit suicide. Her sister Maggie intervenes and confiscates the knife. Despite Maggie's obvious disapproval over Beth's new lifestyle choice (or deathsytle rather), Beth has the brilliant idea of inviting Maggie to join her pity party, and by pity party I mean double suicide. David Koresh would be proud. Although, he'd probably dock points for the use of a knife and lack of Flavor-Ade. So to sweeten the deal Beth even says "please". How can you say "no" to committing suicide with your sister when she says “please”?

Come on it'll be fun! Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Elsewhere, in the kitchen, Lori and Andrea are quarreling about whatever. Something about Andrea forgetting to do the laundry. Andrea explains to Lori that she's so sorry that she doesn't have the time to put fresh mint leaves in their lemonade so she can take her first world problems elsewhere. Lori remarks that Andrea is pretty much worthless if she can't do even wash clothes. Obviously, Lori doesn't have the strongest feminist values. Honestly, compared to listening to those two chicks bicker, the prospect of eating a steak knife doesn't sound so unappealing.

...Back to where important things are taking place, the walkers are still going bat shit crazy over that broken window. Three walkers dog pile on Rick, seriously invading his personal space. What would be certain death for most, is simply another level-up in badassery for Rick. He kills the first two walkers with minimal difficulty but being pinned down by all of that dead weight (ha!) made shooting the third remaining walker more than a little bit difficult. So down to his last bullet, he shoves his gun into the mouth of one of the dead walkers so he could shoot the third one in the face. And to think that walker was this close to having all of the expensive dental work remain in tact.

Say "ahh!"

Andrea takes over for Maggie and puts herself on suicide watch for Beth. Instead of pleading with Beth to not kill herself she tells her to (wo)man the fuck up. Then walks out of the room. Not long afterwards, Beth introduces some broken glass to her wrist and realizes quickly that sharp shards of glass slicing into her soft wrist really fucking hurts, ya think!? Luckily, depending on your point of view, Beth survives her cry for attention, I mean suicide attempt. Maggie is very cross with Andrea ’s brand of "act right" and officially takes her off of her Christmas card list. Oh, and she tells Andrea to fuck off and stay the hell away from her family and out of her house. Salty much? Lori surprisingly sticks up for Andrea and explains that even though Andrea is a habitual line stepper, there was a reason for what she did. She allowed Beth to decide on her own that she wanted to live. I'm sure the pain of gashing her wrist with broken glass helped at least a little bit to dissuade her though.

My emo days are over, I promise!

We're now back to where we started, with Shane hiding out in the magic school bus wondering where it all went wrong. He manages to keep Club School Bus exclusive to V.I.P. members only until he runs out of the ammo that is. At this point he's forced to ask himself, What Would MAcGyver Do? If you guessed walker lobotomy, then kudos for paying attention. Well, unfortunately for Shane his time as a brain surgeon is cut short when he loses his knife in a walker's skull, opps!

Thou shall not pass!

Rick, with Randall in tow, look on from a distance as Rick contemplates whether or not he's going to leave Shane for dead; the way Shane left him and Otis for that matter. Rick decides to bail on Shane, initially. It's a powerful moment. Even though Shane deserves it more than anybody, it felt so wrong to see Rick turn his back on Shane. Shane could do nothing but look at Rick like a puppy peering through a window at a would-be owner who decided that they didn't want the responsibility or their shoes chewed on. It looks like Shane is destined to join the ever rising body count until Rick comes across the bffs walkers he and Shane "inspected" before. Rick has a change of heart due to feelings of brotherhood or loyalty or something shit like that. Thankfully, he did or we would have missed out on what happens next...

One of these days that'll be me and you Shane. Just not today.

Rick turns it up to 11 and comes to Shane's rescue, guns blazing. With Randall at the wheel, Rick does a sweet ass drive-by that would make any GTA: San Andreas alumni proud. My admiration for Rick at this point is bordering on man-crush as his bad ass status only continues to climb.

Grove Street fool!

To show their appreciation to Randall for his assistance, Rick and Shane blindfold him again and stuff him back into the trunk. Nice. Rick practically pounds his chest like a silver back gorilla and reiterates to Shane that "what’s his is his", i.e. his family, i.e. back the fuck off. Then, being the gentleman that Rick is, he extends the olive branch of peace in the form of a Glock. Very touching stuff. As they drive back to the ranch, the same walker from before is still grazing, in the exact same spot no less. Either that walker is the slowest mammal on the planet or he stopped for a snack break. Either way, I'm doubtful that it would be a threat to anyone who's capable of performing a brisk power walk. Shane just stares off into space, probably wondering if Rick is planning to return his balls after hoe checking him throughout the entire episode.

Hop in Shane, you're gonna be Pepper Jack's best hoe now!

- The "Brain Connoisseur" Prometheus

For more crunchy Walking Dead goodness, indulge in my previous recaps:
The Walking Dead: Nebraska - Recap
The Walking Dead: Triggerfinger- Recap