"Transformers Revenge Of The Fallen" a late review but the best one

“Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen” is the kind of movie that begs you to walk out of the theater. The evil Decepticons return to wage war on humanity, and Michael Bay returns to wage war on your eyes and ears. After an agonizing two and a half hours you walk out of the theatre as if you’ve just survived a horrific battle, and your brain was left behind to die.

The plot? The evil Decepticons plot to destroy the sun. Why would they do such a thing? Well they have a machine that can harvest energy from the sun at the cost of destroying it. Would a solar panel be so hard to figure out if you’ve mastered space travel? Such questions should never be asked for a movie like this, but I’ll play devils advocate. The main characters can travel the entire country in Camero, but this is after Megan Fox travels from California to New Jersey in a matter of minutes. And that comes long before we meet an old Transformer, who is so old that he has a grey beard, a limp back and a walking stick.

But you don’t care about logic, you want to see robots. In the previous film there were about twelve Transformers, this time there are forty six. That number could have been a thousand because it doesn’t really matter. There is no introduction to these robots. Most of them just stand around in the background doing nothing. The Decepticons are obviously evil because they are made of sharp blades, their eyes are glowing red, their claws are sharp as well as their teeth. They might as well write “Bad Robots” on their backs.

But occasionally the robots fight each other and the fight sequences are completely incomprehensible. Michael Bay operates the camera with the hands of Michael J. Fox. You get glimpses of Transformers but never the whole picture. It doesn’t help that most of them are grey and they do battle in a forest of grey trees, with grey mist flowing in the air. The climax of the film involves the Autobots fighting with the American and Jordanian army against the Deceptions. This inst a battle, its just a series of explosions with sand flying through the air and Megan Fox running from these explosions in slow motion, over and over again. In Michael Bays world running from an explosion in slow motion is a new idea, in my world it’s the biggest cliché in action movies. How did Bay get the title of the worlds best action director?

There aren’t nearly as many fight scenes as there are jokes. The problem is this: this inst supposed to be a comedy and Michael Bay isn’t funny. He has the maturity and wit of a twelve year old boy who laughs at poop jokes and hides porn magazines under his bed. He thinks dog sex is so funny he shows it twice, the second time is in the middle of an action sequence. A little Transformer humps someone’s leg like a dog. A woman consumes a pot brownie and attacks a few people. Several Decepticons join together like Voltron and become Devastator, a giant monster of a robot, then we have to look at Devastators giant robot testicles…I kid you not. And only in a Michael Bay film will you find an entire college campus filled with girls that you only see in Maxim magazine. The college is supposed to be Princeton by the way.

And it’s strange that alien robots would travel all across the galaxy just to come to Earth and speak like two crack heads fighting over a rock. Their names are Skids and Mudflap. They speak like a less intelligent version of Mike Tyson, they have gold teeth in their robot mouths, they use horribly offensive slang, and they don’t even know how to read. The biggest sin of all is that these ugly stereotypes took months to create and cost millions of dollars to produce. Did anyone say no to this idea? The special effects team were just doing what they were told, and the captain, who I’ve named a lot already, must go down with the ship. Shame on him.

“Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen” is big, loud, and obnoxious. Every image strains the eyes, every sound pounds your ear drums and every character, human or otherwise, acts like their insane. It tries to be colossal in scope, but its just a colossal piece of garbage costing 200 million dollars, money that could have financed dozens of independent films, or just a few films that are about something more than making money. And before you think I’m against big summer blockbusters or robots fighting, let me tell you it’s the opposite. I’ve been a Transformers fan since I was old enough to comprehend them. I loved the original series, as well as Beast Wars. The first film isn’t perfect but it’s solid entertainment, and the type of film I can watch again and again. It had it’s moments of stupidity, but compared to the sequel it’s Shakespeare. This film is a two and half hour migraine that summarizes every thing wrong with Hollywood. Last year I saw a film that brought to light everything good in Hollywood. It was “Iron Man”. I would trade the entire 148 minutes of Transformers 2 for just one minute of ”Iron Man”.