WOMEN IN PRISON TRIPLE FEATURE (DVD)

In the normal course of my reviewing duties, I ignore the bulk of these 'triple feature' releases that get shuffled out every week. But come on...Women in Prison? I'm only so strong. I want to see women in prison. I want to see them do what we have been led to expect women in prison to do...fight, fuck, um,.... hmm...fantasize...er, or some other fabulously alliterative 'f' word. And sure enough, you'll get a lot of that stuff in these sleazy exploitation films that came out in 83, 85, and 84 respectively.

The big mama-jamma here is at the top of the list is "Chained Heat" which Linda Blair starred in and famously and repeatedly unteathered her sweater puppies, a mere ten years after she was vomiting pea soup onto priests in "The Exorcist". She plays a woman sent to a wildly corrupt prison for vehicular manslaughter, and quickly discovers that it's considerably worse in there than she could have ever imagined.

The prison's warden (John Vernon, who I knew from M.A.S.H. but am quickly discovering had a big side career playing sleazeball villains in low budget films) is in a power struggle with the prison's doctor (Henry Silva) and the warden's assistant (Stella Stevens) who are surreptitiously running a competitive secret drug trade. The two secret partners/lovers get the leader of a gang of lesbian toughs (Sybil Danning) to ply their wares with the inmate population right under the nose of the warden. Meanwhile he's looking for Blair to be his new informant and/or fuck-slave, after the last one, featuring an awfully impressive sex scene with the always jaw-dropping Monique Gabrielle, is murdered by the lesbian gang. So basically, everybody wants to run things, and everybody wants to fuck Linda Blair. That's pretty much the gist of it. And, all things being equal, within the WIP genre (yes, it's a genre), "Chained Heat" is one of the more memorably sleazy films to shackle sexy chicks.

Not so much for most of "Red Heat", which although starring Linda Blair again, is not actually a sequel (there were two "Chained Heat" sequels, but in name only). Here she's caught up in some cold war shenanigans and gets brought to a East German prison when she accidentally witnesses a kidnapping she shouldn't have. Oops. Largely the same type of thing only with uglier girls (what, it's an East German prison, they don't provide makeup and hair product they way they do in American prisons), but an action filled ending, as Blair's military boyfriend brings an army of mercenaries to the prison and forcibly breaks the women out, brings things up a notch.

"Jungle Warriors" has next to nothing going for it. Sure, it's a story about a plane full of super-models who crash in the jungle and get imprisoned by a Columbian drug lord, but still...It's not all that violent and features little nudity (compared to the other two) and barely features a women in prison story at all. Sure, they're imprisoned, but only just long enough for the biggest rape scene of the three films (which of course, all have their fair share), so that's something, I guess. *sigh* Am I really writing a review that remarks upon a group rape scene as a highlight? Sure, when the rest of the film is THIS bad. It's not like I didn't know what I was getting into with this trilogy of tethered tit films, to be sure.

The one thing I really took away from it all is that a website, known as "Mr Skin" presented the films and each has a little intro sequence promoting the site. Shouldn't Spill.com have made this deal by now? I'd not be surprised to see a "Spill.com Presents" series with movies like "Corndog Man" and "The Woman Chaser". Right? Are you listening out there distributors? Money in the goddamn bank.
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