The Upcoming Winners of 2009

In my last great revelation, I witnessed the upcoming cinematic tragedies in this Year of our Lord Two Thousand and Nine. I feel it is only fair and just to also name what excellent titles have been divined upon me. Light remains in this world, my children!

1) Star Trek

It hurts my credibility to name something that critics are already raving about, I admit. However, my hopes were already high before the surprise Austin screening with the second trailer. After the great betrayal by George Lucas, Sci-Fi nerds may finally be given a second lease on life with this movie. I'm not even a Trekkie and I'm excited for this movie.

2) Terminator: Salvation

Yes, T3 was a letdown in so many ways, and the upcoming installment doesn't even have Ahnold in a major capacity. So why am I excited for this movie? Two words: Christian Bale. I have never seen a Christian Bale movie where he has let me down. The man is very selective in his movie choices, and I have full faith in his choice to join the new Terminator movie. Sure, the Charlie's Angels guy is directing, but I believe in second chances on occasion.

3) Dance Flick

This is a risky prophecy, but there's something this parody film doesn't have that those other movies don't. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. Couple that with a rather promising trailer means this might actually turn out to be a funny movie, in contrast to the other lame, soul-crushingly awful "movies."

4) Drag Me To Hell

Again, an unfair assessment now since the early positive screenings. My reasoning is simple: It's Sam Raimi with creative freedom. Let Raimi do what he wants, and he poops out gold. Constrain him, and we get Spider-Man 3.

5) Up

It's Pixar.

6) Public Enemies

It's a serious-looking crime drama starring both Christian Bale and Johnny Depp. It's like the cinematic version of the mixing of peanut butter and chocolate.

7) Bruno

Is there any doubt to the witty genius of Sacha Baron Cohen? I would argue easily that he is one of the top five actors in the world right now. His ability to shift between totally different characters is second to none. Considering his excellent track record with this type of film (Borat), I think the success of this real-life comedy is assured.

8) Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea

With a title like that, you KNOW creative freedom is in abundance here. Hayao Miyazaki is, in my opinion, the greatest cartoonist in history. Yes, I even place him above Walt Disney. Even his least impressive movies by his own standards (Howl's Moving Castle) are still eons ahead of of any other animated features. His godly resume ensures my continued support of him and his heartfelt creations. You should too support him as you won't regret it.

9) Inglorious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino tackling WW2 in a ridiculously over-the-top manner about people secretly hunting Nazis? Sign me up.

10) 9

Go watch the trailer. If that doesn't convince you that this movie will be fundamentally delicious, then there is nothing else I can do for you. Any trailer that uses Coheed and Cambria's Welcome Home earns extra points with me.

11) Where the Wild Things Are

A classic storybook tale given new life. The trailer was simply amazing and the very fact that they put effort into making actual costumes instead of making the Wild Things CGI says SOMETHING about the care being put into this film.

12) The Princess and the Frog

More than just thinking it will be good, I'm hoping against all hope that this movie turns out well and makes tons of money. Why? Because if it does, it very well could mean a SECOND Disney Rennaissance. How sweet and dear an ideal like that could be? You all know you want the Disney from 90's back again.

13) Avatar

When the man behind Terminators 1 and 2. True Lies, the superior sequel Aliens, and the biggest money-making movie in history Titanic claims his first film in years is going to revolutionize cinema, I'm inclined to lend him both my ears eagerly.

14) Sherlock Holmes

Robert Downey Jr. has more than proven his acting abilities in last year's biggest highlights Iron Man and Tropic Thunder. Couple him with Guy Ritchie on a movie about the greatest detective of all time and you've got a recipe for success.

Carry my message with hope, dear audience. With this faultless sermon, you can be rest assured about what movies are worth your hard-earned dollars in the coming year.