The ten worst things Michael Bay has ever done

On my last blog I said I wouldn't bash Lucas because he's done great things for the film industry. What has Micheal Bay ever done? He's blown shit up, made careers out of useless eye candy, and reversed the civil rights struggle a few decades. The only people that like Michael Bay movies look like this...



Yikes. Let's get the hating started.


10. “I’d Do Anything For Love”



Weird, weird, weird: that’s what most of this video is. It doesn’t help that the song is just crazy but…just look at how whacko this video is. I guess this strange video helped launch Michael Bay and that definitely gets it a spot on this list.

9. The Island




This movie isn’t terrible nor is it good. But it sure as hell isn’t original. It’s been said that “The Island” was ripping off several things including the novels “Spares” and “The Penulitamite Truth”, and the 1979 film “Parts: The Clonus Horror”. There isn’t definite proof that Bay and his crew stole from it, but the incident settled out of court for seven figures, so one can only imagine Bay and co. are guilty.

8. Devastators Balls




I can't tell you why a robot has testicles. And yes they are testicles: there was no wrecking ball when Devastator was formed. I mean...the duck tits from "Howard The Duck" were bad enough but at least that made some kind of sense. Does this mean a robot can bust a nut? What the hell is wrong with Michael Bay?

7. Agent Simmons (Transformers movies)



Does anyone remember “Barton Fink”, “Millers Crossing”, “The Big Lebowski”, “Do The Right Thing” or “The Quiz Show”? Well if you saw how God awful Jon Tuturro was in the “Transformers” movies your image of him being awesome is sure to fade. With his horrible improving, Michael Bay did his best to make sure he wasn’t funny and it worked. John: Spike Lee/Coen Bros = good, Bay = bad.

6. The car rolling down the cliff from “Bad Boys 2”




We don’t expect Michael Bay to give a damn about human life during his action scenes but, why did all those poor people living in those huts have to die? If they survived they were homeless afterwards. Bays explanation: ‘drug dealers live there!”. Shame on you.

5. BOOM!



Most directors build set pieces to film them. Michael Bay builds set pieces to blow them up. The biggest example is “Armageddon” which starts with explosions, has a bunch of explosions in the middle, and ends with a giant explosion. You know that film they showed Malcolm McDowell in “A Clockwork Orange” to break his mind? It was a Michael Bay film, to quote Gene Siskel.

4. The love scene from “Armageddon”



Okay, this was a fun and silly summer action movie…until they tried to crowbar emotions into it. The lighting, the camera work, the acting (OH GOD THE ACTING!!), and those damned animal crackers were just yucky. N*Sync parodied it pretty well so you know it was a bad scene. And fuck that awful Aerosmith music video to hell.


3. Bay Watch




Most women (that aren't moms) in Michael Bay movies are just like women in rap videos: shake that ass, show the titties and do nothing of any value for the rest of the movie. Megan Fox, this is your career so far.

2. Stereotyping



Okay, Michael Bay is not a racist; I think he’s just ignorant. I bet the only view he has of minorities comes from television and movies. Most of the minorities in his films act like total ignorant maniacs, but what really pushed it over the top was Skidz and Mudflap from “Transformers 2”. The less I say about them the better.

1. The first date scene from “Bad Boys 2”



What the hell? This scene was horrible: it had no purpose, it wasn’t funny and it was just plain cruel. Some poor teenager wants to take a girl out and he has to be scared to death by to maniacs at the front door. They call him the N word, put a gun in his face and accuse him of being gay. What’s so funny about this? Recalling awkward high school moments with girls is bad enough but seeing it in a movie, to this extreme and played laughs is just…wow.


Mr. Bay, I don't hate you...you just suck. Please go back to making music videos or something Bay...you belong on MTV.