The Last Watchmen Review You'll Ever Fucking Read.

Ok people. There is something I have to get off my chest. I'm coming out of the closet here - and it affects my (and probably some of yours) perspective on The Watchmen and its mass hysteria'd hypeness.

I've never read and don't really plan on reading the graphic novel and probably most shockingly - I've never heard of the Watchmen until the damn trailer

Now I know what you geeks are probably saying:

START THE RIOT!!!

Now now. In my defense, I'm not a comic book guy. I couldn't tell you comic book canon outside of what Tobey Maguire or Hugh Jackman has given us. And I feel I don't need to really lose sleep over not reading the novel because what's left to say? Or more importantly, what's left to change that wouldn't work in film aesthetics and the movie going population?

My review is Watchmen as a film and how its supposed to work as it moves and makes noises.

Let's get the gripes out of the way. It's music selection was rather questionable. Usually in period pieces the use of pop culture helps establish that particular time in history. It wasn't really needed. It's use of the nuclear scare, stock footage of 80s television, and some environment pieces were effective enough. The use of "99 Red Ballons" as Spectre goes to a restaurant felt like an iPod commercial - as if a line of Watchmen lunchboxes and mountain dew Rorshach soda cans will then pour out of their respective factories.

The make-up on the Comedian was decent, but Silk Spectre 1 resembled Nicole Sullivan from MadTV, doing one of her many stock characters amidst speckled laughter. Nixon was so completely exaggerated he looked like one of those stock Nixon Halloween masks you can buy along with Reagan, Carter and Bush.

Dr. Manhatten's nakedness was so entirely appropriate it shouldn't have been complained about. The guy has an infinite understanding of time, its relativity to anything, the ability to teleport, annihilate people at the whim of a thought, and change his skin tone - he's fucking ABOVE haggar slacks and thong sandals, alright!? Can you imagine how goofy it would be to see Dr. Manhatten dressing in an "I <3 Cindi Lauper" t-shirt and zubaz while working on Ozy's funbox machine?

The scene of Night Owl and Spectre saving the illegals from the burning building was a little unnecessary and cliche. After kicking, breaking, and pwning a group of thugs they should've then realized they 'still got it' and proceeded to fuck while in costume - then went on to break 'Shach out of prison.

The Watchmen were each of something for everybody. You had the black and white mindset, pack-a-day voice detective, the actual superhuman who was a Philosophy major's wet dream, the busty vixen who could fulfill what the Spice Girls couldn't, the self loathing vigilante, the tech geek, and the superhero who was the supervillian all along. Without knowing anything about the graphic novel, the movie did an excellent job at dealing with the notion of everyday people putting on masks and taking the law into their own hands. What happens when they get too old? What happens when we sympathize with the bad guys and disdain the good guys? Are they really so super if they try to rape each other?

Whether you've grown up with The Watchmen, just started reading The Watchmen, or stumbled into the theater accidentally there is atleast one thing about the Watchmen you will absolutely love and absolutely hate. Or if you're the toddler that belongs to the daddy who couldn't find a babysitter, The Watchmen will certainly give new light to the superhero aspect. More especially, if you're that person that has to turn to your obviously 7 year old child after he asks "daddy, what is the Comedian doing to the pretty lady?" you best come up with an understandable reason for someone so uneducated.

**side question** Imagine if instead of this coming out in 1985 as a graphic novel, it was originally written for film. Do you think this film would be studied in classrooms and the 24 year later graphic novel would be revered as much? How would it have shaped the general population's understanding and perception of the superhero concept today as opposed to the early 1990s?

**UPDATE** It looks as though Watchmen merchandise is currently being produced and sold...