If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Ok, so many people have been talking about what movies they've been looking forward to the most this year. However, not many people have spoken out about the ones that look like crap from what we've seen in recent trailers and such. This list is dedicated to warning movie buffs like me and my friends and just regular moviegoes to stay away from such potential duds or turds of films. I probably won't see these movies anyway, but again, I'm just putting my thoughts on paper. Who knows? Some of them might turn out to be good, but I've been wrong before. But enough of me yammaring, let's dig in!
1. The Lorax (Unversal)- As much as I HEAVILY disliked Despicable Me compared to MegaMind, that movie looked like a friggin' Pixar movie compared to this lousy adaptation of yet ANOTHER classic Dr. Seuss book. But unlike most of them, this one feels worse than seeing Mike Meyer's take on The Cat in the Hat (DON'T. FUCKING. ASK.) because, from the looks of the trailer, the people behind the movie have COMPLETELY missed the point of the book! It WASN'T about change or some kid trying to impress a girl by seeking out a tree seed or some crap like that. It was a particulary subtle little tale about the dangers of polution and trying to keep the environment and its inhabitants safe from harm. Now, I see SOME elements of that in this version, but it just feels generic and a little TOO simplified. They also could've REALLY not cast as many popular names in this movie as they did, the worst being Danny DeVito as the title character. I'm sorry but when I think of the Lorax, I DO NOT THINK OF THE FUCKING PENGUIN FROM BATMAN RETURNS!!! Bottom line, unless the reviews say otherwise, I say skip this. There's better animated films coming this year that you can spend your money one.
2. 21 Jump Street (Sony Pictures)- Jonah "I Suck At Acting AND Comedy" Hill and Channing "White Guy Who Keeps Talking Like A Black Guy" Tatum in the same movie, let alone THE SAME ROOM. That and it looks like another bad TV Show adaptation. Fuck. That. Noise!
3. Mirror. Mirror (Relativity)- Oh, boy, does this one look REALLY bad. The movies I have listed so far might look ok in some aspects, but Mirror, Mirror looks like theres going to be NOTHING to like about it. AT ALL. This is one of 2 Snow White-based movies due out this year, the other being Universal's Snow White And The Huntsman, which looks REALLY BAD-ASS from the trailer (despite the title making it sound like it's a crappy Twilight-eque love story). Unfortunately, NOTHING I saw in the trailer makes me want to see it, and that's a shame since it has actors in it that I like such as Julia Roberts, Armie Hammer and Nathan Lane. All the bad jokes and puns make this look like a crappy Disney TV movie, and that's a shame is this is being directed by TARSEM FUCKING SINGH, the guy who JUST gave us Immortals, which is one of my top 10 favorite movies of last year! I have a sneaking that Singh was just shoehorned into this movie as the director as part of whatever deal he made with Relativity so that he could get the movie HE wanted to make distributed. Why do I think this? Because Singh is a VERY artisic director, as Immortals shows, and I see NONE of his artistic style of filmaking in this movie! Overall, this is one movie that probably WON'T be the fairest of them all.
4. The Dictator (Universal)- There's movies that piss me off because look like shit, and then there's movies that piss me off because of how FUCKING OFFENSIVE they are! Seriously, THERE'S NOTHING ABOUT THIS MOVIE THAT LOOKS FUNNY! How in Posiden's anus did this OFFENSIVE, SELF-RIGHOUS, EGOTISTICAL PIECE OF SHIT GET GREENLIT IN THIS FIRST PLACE?!?!? All it is is Sasha Baron Cohen playing a foreign dictator with a rediculous beard that looks like a fucking AFRO who goes around making the most offensive and POLITCALLY INCORRECT jokes I've EVER HEARD! They should have called this "The Dicktator" because, again, ALL IT IS IS SBC BEING A COMPLETE DICK-MULE! FUCK YOU SIR! FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Clears throat* Anyway, enough of that. Let's move on.
5. Ice Age: Continental Drift (Fox)- Blue Sky Entertainment continues beating an ALREADY DEAD HORSE (and their carrer) into the ground with another pointless Ice Age sequel that NO ONE ASKED FOR. 'Nuff Said.
6. Diary of a Whimpy Kid: Dog Days (Fox)- AGAIN, another crummy sequel to a lame movie based of an equally lame kids book series that NO ONE FUCKING ASKED FOR. Fox REALLY seems to be going for 2 with these, aren't they?
7. Resident Evil: Retribution (Sony)- Another fucking continutation of Paul W.S. Anderson's bucharing of a GREAT video game series. Ugh. NEXT.
8. Paranormal Activity 4 (Paramount)- ANOTHER ONE OF THESE?! *Groan* God, I miss the Saw series. AT LEAST THAT SERIES WAS ENTERTAINING AND SHIT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!!!
9. The Twilight "Saga" (SAGA MY FUCKING ASS) Breaking Dawn Part 2 (Lionsgate/Summit; mostly Summit)- NEED I SAY MORE AT THIS POINT? I swear if that fucking moron at Lionsgate goes ahead with his idea to make MORE MOVIES BASED ON THIS SERES WITHOUT THEM BEING BASED ON THE SHIT BOOKS, I WILL FUCKING KILL STEPHANIE MEYERS!!! YOU'RE RAPING OUR CULTURE, YOU STUPID, LAZY MORMON-OBSESSED BITCH!!! YOU ARE NOT J.K. ROWLING AND YOU NEVER WILL BE!!!!!!!!!!!
*Clears throat* But I digress....
And finally, 10. World War Z (Paramount)- Let's see here. The plot of this adaptation is NOTHING like the awesome book. The set pics make this look like shit, and the less said about Brad Pit being in a movie like this, the better. I rest my case.
Aaaand, that's my list. I hope you all enjoyed reading it, and please leave comments below as to what you guys think of it.