Let’s face it, you could do a whole lot worse than bats.
Turkeys are widely known for their unparalleled stupidity, inability to fly, and high meat-to-guilt ratio, a measurement that pits the deliciousness of an animal’s meat against how adorable it looks while dying. In fact, Turkeys are one of the few animals that actually decrease in pathetic-ness when you kill them, their lifeless bodies becoming both smarter and more sliceable.
Turkey-man lives up to his namesake’s notoriously pathetic stupidity and – in keeping with the spirit of the animal – wears a cape for show, even though he can’t fly. His only activity, “liberating” farm-raised turkeys come Thanksgiving time, is undermined by the fact that he frees them from supermarkets, where they have sat for several days in packaging, already dead. Right then, just as you think he couldn’t get any dumber, he takes them home as pets.
The Pilgrimz gang
Here we have an animal so pathetic that it literally shares its name with a synonym for “laziness.” As far as I can tell, about the only notable thing scientists have to say about a sloth is whether it has two toes or three, thus making this the other vital component in the naming process. Now, compare this with a name like killer whale
As a representative of the 7 deadly sins, Sloth-man is one of two supervillains on this list. Unfortunately, his goal is nothing short of total world domination. Fortunately, he’s high all the time and his attempts at taking over the world tend to focus mostly on the “of Warcraft” kind. (e.g., “Sloth-man receives [Fail]
Slugs have the dubious distinction of being the only animal that people frequently melt as a party trick. What sort of magical substance does this? Table salt. Plain old table salt. It’s a pity they aren’t edible, as the thought of killing an animal with seasoning is almost poetic.
Slug-man brings us back to a simpler time, when Greco-Roman men lathered their naked selves in oily goop, presumably because it was the only fun thing to do. Today, Slug-man does it to approximate the slimy texture of his namesake, lending him great powers of slippery evasion, but prohibiting him from wearing clothes or securely holding onto stuff. His greatest mistake, however, might be his deliberate effort to become incredibly obese – a process he has described as having “[his] body eat [his] limbs” – thus forcing him to slide around everywhere.
The Salt Shaker
Image Copyright Dennis Kunkel Microscopy, Inc.
An iconic human parasite, the tapeworm seems badass until you realize that all it’s doing all day is eating. Then, like a blinding flash, it hits you: obviously, that’s the badass part. Tapeworm’s get bonus awesome points for living in human beings
, but that’s not going to stop their
villainous counterpart from being lame…
Drawing inspiration from a parasite, Tapeworm-man is of course this list’s other villain. However, unlike his animal counterpart, he isn’t exactly well-equipped for a parasitic lifestyle. Tapeworm-man must duct tape himself onto the bodies of unsuspecting targets, where he is carried around as he attempts to steal his victim’s food with an extendable fork (you could say he “drinks your milkshake” – zing!). As this is fairly difficult to keep up, in practice he just lives with his parents.
The Irradiated Beefman
Sometimes I can’t remember if the deer is an honest-to-God animal or just a thing we invented in order to make hunting more fun. In either case, it’s an animal whose most notable characteristics are: (1) a susceptibility to our bullets; and (2) a lack of bullets of its own. For this reason, hunting deer has historically shifted from being a “survival requirement” to a “sport” and, more recently, a “chore.”
As a pacifist vigilante, Deer-man’s heart is in the right place, but you might wonder about his head. His biggest problem is his susceptibility to traps. Criminals are known to cover public spaces with posters of pretty women and the urine of human females, shooting Deer-man when he inevitably shows up bonered out of his mind. His response? He’s currently drafting legislation to become classified as “endangered.”
Zombie Charlton Heston
Hahahaha! Haha! Hahahahaha! Are you guys looking at this thing? Hahahahaha! I was going to write a joke here, but literally the best idea I had was just an ASCII image of an arrow pointing up.
Allow me to illustrate Narwhal-man’s central dilemma thusly:
Man: Hey, look! In the distance, is that…
Woman: Yes! It’s Unicorn-man!
Narwhal-man: (shouting from afar) Narwhal-man!
Woman: Oh my God. I can’t believe we saw Unicorn-man!
Narwhal-man: (shouting) It’s Narwhal-man!
Man: Weird… He’s got the horn on, but he’s not wearing Unicorn-man’s white outfit.
Narwhal-man: (shouting) I’m Narwhal-man! The narwhal is an arctic cetacean closely related to the Beluga whale! Some scientists call it the unicorn of the sea!
Woman: Oh my God, this is so cool. I love unicorns!
Unicorn-man, clearly. I mean, he’s not a villain, but this one’s a PR battle.
4) Naked Mole Rat
The naked mole rat is, in fact, neither a mole nor a rat. When it occurs to you next that pretty much all animals are, by default, naked, you start to realize how much the naming scientists fucked this one up. What “naked” actually means here is that the animal is hilariously hairless, making it at least as pathetic as your average bald man.
Naked-Mole-Rat-man is just a guy with alopecia moonlighting as a public exhibitionist. He isn’t quite a villain, since as a vigilante he’ll go out of his way to flash criminals, but he isn’t quite a hero either. I mean, this guy is going around flashing
people. At least his only weapon is also his biggest weakness: he’s perhaps the only hero who counts it as an advantage to leave your genitals exposed.
Not quite an animal species strictly, but pathetic nonetheless. A poodle is perhaps the only animal whose merits are judged entirely on the quality of its haircut, instead of say, the size of its teeth or the tastiness of its loin. Not to mention, it is unequivocally the Frenchest
Poodle-man’s problems can be traced back to one fatal mistake: the day he decided against Dog-man. You see, Dog-man would’ve been awesome. Dog-man is like Catwoman, only tougher and less attractive to me. But Poodle-man? Come on. To his credit, he makes excellent use of the persona, hosting a reality TV show where he fights “crimes against fashion.”
“Lindsay Lohan’s hairdresser. I mean, am I right?” [applause]
I was going to put cow on this list, until I remembered that people actually called these things “sea cows,” which is probably one of the best ways of capturing how pathetic they are. On the other hand, “Manatee” comes from a local Caribbean word for “breast,” and I have to say, they do look mighty nice to squeeze.
Manatee-man. It has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? Like Bruce Wayne or Tony Stark before him, Manatee-man works with gadgets, although his are mostly the kidney dialysis kind. Yep, he’s so obese that doctors leave him literally floating in a tank, surrounded by life support systems. More of a celebrity freak than an actual superhero, Manatee-man is the only person on this list who will start to cry if you say his name.
What can I say? I think we all saw this one coming. I defer to the genius of Kevin Smith:
So please before you think about hurting someone over this trifle of a film, remember: even God has a sense of humor. Just look at the Platypus.”
- Dogma’s opening note
Like everyone else, Platypus-man has no fucking clue what’s going on with the platypus animal. Instead, he honors its spirit by dressing up in lots of things that make him look like an idiot. A hockey mask: sure, why not? Just throw on a wedding dress underneath and then put on some rollerblades. His costume is more consistent in attitude than appearance, since I’m pretty sure anyone who imagines a platypus is just jamming five different animals together in their head. Seriously, pick the right five and I swear you’ll nail it.
What do you think? Did I miss something? Do you think one of these animal-based heroes might actually work out well? Are you a vegan here to yell at me? Let me know.