If it's crap ... We'll tell you
You know, it's not often that I say this but I'm actually happy to sit back and watch someone completely loose their damn mind in their own battle of egotistical insanity. It's just funny to me that with the boring Oscars, the laughable "Thumbing of the nose to Hollywood" Razzie awards, lack of anything interesting in theaters for the last couple of weeks and of course, let's not forget the complete internet-rage over Justin Bieber's movie, I finally get something worth watching on TV..... and it's not even a show but REAL-LIFE! Holy shit, how often do you get to see someone do a complete meltdown on National TV as the NEWS and not as a season-arc show or TV-movie?
Well, thank god for Charlie Sheen for keeping me entertained the last few months with crazy and insane antics that keep going on. Let's see if it's even possible to keep up with the insanity, cause I'm sure I've missed a step along the way in this wild ride.
Let's go back to December of 2009:
Charlie Sheen is arrested in Colorado for domestic violence, assault and menacing against his 3rd wife Brooke Mueller. Reports were that he held a knife to her throat and threatened to kill her. I have to give him credit, he's got really good lawyers cause the charges are dropped to misdemeanors of assault with criminal mischief and felony menacing. Okay, first off that just sounds like something a kindergarten child would say "felony menacing". What the hell was he doing, hiding behind the couch going "gotcha"? Oh, and really? Criminal mischief when he's supposed to have a knife? That's not mischief, that's fucking deadly!
So, while Charlie takes some time off for some rehab, the filming of his show "Two and a Half Men" is put on hold. Now, keep in mind that this rehab was a "preemptive step". Wait, WHAT? Yep, you heard that right. Charlie goes into rehab as a "preemptive step". This has got to be the most BRILLIANT idea I've ever heard of. Going to rehab BEFORE you have a problem just to be able to say that you've been to rehab FOR your problem? Dear god, this is absolutely GENIUS level insanity. Why with this thinking, I get to have a blowjob on the first date and tell her that it's okay because we'll be dating in 6 weeks anyway..... GENIUS! Or maybe he just got things confused after someone stole his Mercedes and flipped it. I know that I would sort of be out of my mind if someone did that to my car.
So, in court for the events that happened in December 2009, Charlie Sheen plea-bargains a guilty plea to misdemeanor assault. This allows him to avoid the other more serious charges of "felony menacing"... remember, that Kindergarten charge, and "mischief"... cause we all love shooting off fireworks in the vacant lot. Gotta love that "mischief". Anyway, so he pleads guilty and what happens? Why he's ordered to Rehab.... but wait, didn't he do Rehab already? So, now that he's done rehab as a preemptive measure, he gets to do it again? So, at this point I get confused. Is he going to rehab for "substance problems" or is Charlie Sheen going to rehab because he has a "rehab problem"? Oh god, this shit is getting to be the most enjoyable stuff on TV. But wait, there's more. He also gets a massive 30 days probation. Uh, 30 days probation of which he's in REHAB FOR! So, his probation is now happening while in Rehab. Okay, again this is funny shit cause now it's basically probational rehab, and not the real stuff. Oh, but that's not all. He also has to do 36 hours of anger management and is prohibited to own firearms for the rest of his life. This is even BETTER news. So, as part of his punishment he's told not to have guns? Thank god he used a KNIFE in December. Wouldn't it be more logical that he's not allowed to own any more KNIVES for the rest of his life?
Okay, so Charlie gets out of Rehab and has his life back on track. Thank god we avoided the train wreck and were able to save this guy from some really dangerous behavioral problems. You know, it's a good thing that he didn't go back to drinking and using cocaine while in a fancy hotel in New York, and trash the hotel room..... oh fuck, that's EXACTLY what he did. Yep, after getting out of rehab... which at this point appears to be the rehab for the "rehab problems", cause it surely wasn't rehab for drinking or drugs... Charlie is back in the Plaza Hotel in New York and causes thousands of dollars worth of damages after drinking and using cocaine while a porn star is locked in the bathroom. Then again, I guess if you've gotta put a porn star in a bathroom it might as well be Capri Anderson, cause she was the one locked in the bathroom. Ah, let's not forget to mention that Capri will later claim that she was assaulted and harassed by Charlie Sheen. Look, I'm not going to completely defend the guy, but maybe he would have stopped harassing her if she would have unlocked the bathroom door and let the man take a piss once in awhile, I know that it makes my mood a lot better. But of course this all happened because Charlie was having an allergy reaction to his medications. Apparently medications you shouldn't be drinking and using cocaine with.
Okay, bunch of stuff happened in January. First, Charlie missed a couple of rehearsals due to an "ear infection", maybe it was because of the supposed "bender in Las Vegas" he was reportedly doing. Two weeks later he missed a couple more with "severe abdominal pains" cause of laughing too hard watching TV (as reported by a friend) which later was a "hernia". Then the next day, the show is put on "hiatus" (TV-talk for not filming for now) while Charlie went right back to rehab. Guess he hasn't quite kicked that "rehab problem" yet.
Okay, so now we get to February 2011:
AND ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
Let's see, we have the reports that Charlie Sheen tells Lindsey Lohan to "control her impulses"? What the hell? That's like having a pimp telling a whore that she sleeps around too much. What the hell? Did I miss something here, when did Charlie Sheen become the "authority" on impulse control? Is that something he learned in rehab for rehab?
Then of course, Charlie Sheen finds a "new love" in his life. This new love must really understand Charlie and all his issues, since she was arrested for underage drinking back in 2006. Nothing says I love you like understanding the 12-step program of rehab.
Plus we have the news that Charlie is going to pay $8 Million for a new mansion for his estranged wife Brooke. This must be a really STRANGE estranged wife, since reportedly it's being shared by Brooke, Charlie, his new girlfriend Natalie AND pornstar Bree Olson. Good god, is this a mansion or a harem?
Then of course we have the "battle of wills" between Charlie Sheen the "star", and Chuck Lorie "the producer" of the show Two and a Half Men. Wow, talk about some really fun stuff going on with that one. This back and forth battle gets more and more interesting with reports of semantic slurs, personal jabs, and I think that someone might have insulted rehab, which would explain why Charlie get upset. Or it could be that he simply "didn’t drink for a long time and was bored out of his mind" as reported by the Dan Patrick Show.
Lured even further into the insanity,Charlie now says that he will only return to work on the show, if they give him a RAISE to $3 Million an episode. Hey, the man wants a 50% raise because he thinks he's worth it, after all he is "tired of pretending I'm not special". Of course he also talks about his "rock star lifestyle", even though he's not a rock star but an actor. That Charlie says he's a "rock star from Mars" who has "tiger blood and Adonis DNA" shouldn't really be held against him. After all, when you think about it he also said that he doesn't "abuse women"....although I would think that holding a knife to someone and having someone locked in the bathroom MIGHT suggest otherwise.
But maybe the reason that Charlie seems to have gone insane, is the fact that he's been going to the WRONG rehab center. I mean, how could anyone have faith in fixing your "rehab problems" when you go to a place called "Sober Valley Lodge", which I should point out is actually his OWN HOME. That's just mind-numbingly brilliant. Moving into a rehab lodge has really got to cut down on the commute time. This of course is coming from the same guy that said overdosing on drugs "is for amateurs".
Then again, it should go without saying that not everyone can keep up with the insanity of Charlie Sheen these days. Maybe that's why his publicist quit. Or was it fired? Cause apparently Charlie is under the impression that he's "not allowed to quit, so you're fired". Gotta love that insane crazy logic sometimes.After all, it's perfectly logical (in that insane crazy sort of way) to believe that "I say blame the studio for giving me this much dough, knowing who they were giving it to."
So, thanks Charlie Sheen. Your insanity over the last few weeks, well months really..... well, actually YEARS if you want to get technical....has been really enjoyable to watch. I guess now it's really a question of which happens first. Do you finally get arrested and thrown in jail this time? Or maybe you'll be fired? Or maybe your show will be canceled for good? Or maybe you'll finally have that overdose you say is only for amateurs. Either way, I have to say that it's so much more fun to watch than your actual show was for the last 3 years.