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Rating-F**K YOU!!! Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones is the worst Star Wars movie ever. It has a lame script, terrible action sequences, a horrible romance, clunky dialogue, and overall poor filmmaking. Now I don’t need to kick a dead wamp rat, hell RedLetterMedia has said most of what I want to say, so I’m just going to try to make this as short as I can. The story here is that Anakin must protect fine ass Natalie Portman from assassination by bounty hunters hired by a Sepratist faction led by the sinister Count Dooku (Christopher Lee, whose incredible talents are just wasted here), while Obi-Wan(Ewan McGregor, whose talents are also wasted here) hunts down the bounty hunters: Completely fucking retarded. The plot has so many plot holes, and the fact that the main characters are all morons doesn’t help.
All the main characters in this movie are stupid idiots. For example, in the beginning of the movie Natalie Portman barely survives an explosion on a landing pad; now you’d think that she want to be somewhere safe mere hours after that occurred. But nope, instead, while she knows that someone is trying to kill her she sleeps in a bedroom with a massive window where a city of billions can see her, and to top it off she turns off all the security cameras so that she could have her privacy. Do I smell bullshit? If it had been the Slender Man that was after her, she would’ve gotten killed. Did she think of that? Or what if the assassin was not a complete buffoon and just parked his/her speeder across the street and sniped her from the window.
Now to talk about the worst part of Attack of the Clones: the romance. The romance in this movie is so flat, dull, boring, uninspired, and cliché’ romance I have seen since Daredevil. And the dialogue Anakin and Natalie Portman say to each other is so cringe worthy, it’s the type of dialogue where you say “You can’t be fucking serious” like twenty times. To anybody who likes this piece of shit: Tell me with a straight face that “I don’t like sand” And “I wish I could just wish away my feelings” is good dialogue. You can’t and you know it. I wouldn’t mind so much if it were only a small part in the movie, but the romance part is like 60% of Attack of the Clones, which you can tell is a big problem. You don’t care about the romance, because the two characters have no chemistry, no real reason to love each other other than the fact that they want to fuck each other in the grass. Cut me a break.
The characters are unlikable hypocrites that you hope die in the most awful way possible. For example, whenever Anakin does something reckless he tells him “Oh Anakin you are reckless” and when a probe droid outside the window is about to assassinate Natalie Portman, Obi-Wan jumps out the window at it. Okay, so rescuing your master is reckless but fucking jumping out the window isn’t? Anakin, who is a jedi knight which means he is supposed to love democracy and prefer freedom to dictatorship if I understood correctly, says he supports a fascist dictatorship, and Natalie Portman still falls in love with him. And even after he murders a whole village of sand people, women and children included, and admits to Portman what he did she still falls for him. What kind of sick bitch is she? Anakin Skywalker has to be the most unlikable protagonist I have seen… ever!
The action scenes, while well shot and well directed, are also a letdown. Because we don’t care about the characters or story, all the tension is immediately pulled away and they become boring. We don’t care if the jedi stop Dooku from escaping, cause we don’t even know what his intentions are, so what’s the danger in him escaping? I say let him. And during the final duel (Which rips off Empire Strikes Back so much that it honestly becomes embarrassing) we don’t care if Anakin dies, hell in fact I wanted him to die. You can’t just shove in action scenes to try to make up for poor storytelling (cough*Michael Bay*cough). The special effects don’t fare any better, they still look fake as hell to me and I could tell that it is all shot against a blue screen.
Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace is a horrible movie, the fact that anybody likes that movie astounds me. However, The Phantom Menace is a masterpiece compared to the Clusterfuck that is Attack of the Clones. I know that if any Star Wars fanboys read this, they’re going to tear me a new one. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to just lay down and praise the first two Star Wars prequels when I think that they are shit. This was the point when the Star Wars franchise seemed dead; however we all received a pleasant surprise with Star Wars Episode III Revenge of the Sith.