Scary Summer Flicks

Everyone’s idea of summer vacation is to finally relax from whatever stressor is the most annoying in your life (i.e. work, school, family, crappy regional weather). Whether or not you’re a “fun in the sun” or a random excursion type of person is a completely different thing, but all I know is, as great as things can be on vacation, they can also go terribly wrong. Here are my top 10 picks for the best summer vacation horror movies:


10. Hostel

If I found myself in a similar situation, you better BELIEVE I’d be shitting my pants (and then some). It’s gorno (gore+porno=gorno) at its finest, which isn’t my cup of tea, but why it makes the cut is how terrifying that would be to experience. Thanks, Eli Roth, for crushing my dreams of backpacking in Europe.


9. Turistas

Everyone goes to Brazil to wear as little clothing as possible while baking in the sun like toasted cheese. However, when you’re gutted like a pig and tied to a stick, ready to be fried over the fire, you know your trip is over. Essentially, Turistas is Hostel, but in South America, but this definitely has a little more shock value than the latter.


8. I Know What You Did Last Summer

The Fourth of July and a recent graduation usually lead to a lot of celebration. However, when you hit someone with your car and toss their body into the nearest body of water, the plug to your party has been pulled. Finding a mysterious note and being killed off one-by-one from someone who knows your secret? Yeah, that’s a shitty summer.


7. Cabin Fever

Coming into the flesh-eating virus? Hell-to-the-no! I can’t even stand the feeling of bugs crawling on my skin, let alone something EATING my skin. While the writing has a bit of crap thrown in, I can tell you that the leg-shaving scene, along with a few others, is bad enough for my imagination to tell you camping is out of the question.


6. Open Water

This movie is horrible for two reasons: people go on cruises all the time and never expect a crash and waiting for the inevitable in shark-infested waters is absolutely dreadful. While some might find this movie boring, others (i.e. me) find it to be a shit storm on the brain. Just as I felt a sense of relief, I found myself tense again, which is horrible, period.


5. From Dusk Till Dawn

While this isn’t exactly a vacation for the Gecko brothers (Quentin Tarantino and George Clooney), the Fullers have their vacation interrupted by these dudes, which is bad enough. However, to make matters worse, their “pit stop” quickly turns into a night of destroying vampires, and a few deaths of their own, making one craptastic vacation.


4. The Descent

I knew there was a reason why I never took up spelunking. Not only would falling to my death via cavernous pits really blow, but discovering cannibal deformed dudes would totally make that a less-than-enjoyable time. Although, having those mega-size glow sticks would have its perks, I prefer my life and body intact.


3. The Evil Dead

I can’t see a cabin and think good thoughts. As both movies have shown us, if something happens to you, you are absolutely fucked. No phones, little power, more than likely a destroyed/non-functional car. Unless you own that cabin (and it was built ESPECIALLY for you), I wouldn’t trust a single thing (especially a creepy-looking book).


2. The Hills Have Eyes

Thankfully, I didn’t see either versions of this film before I took a RV trip out West with my family, otherwise I probably would’ve refused to go (or at least cried in fear the entire time). The original version is of course my favorite, but the remake definitely amps up the crazy a little.


1. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre

There’s really no way to avoid a situation like this. Even if you hung out at your grandpa’s house for most of your youth, only to find a crazy cannibal family next door years later, there isn’t a way to know this before it’s too late. A psychotic, skilled butcher is no match for the girl (or guy) next door, making this the worst vacation ever.