Hello there everyone, and welcome to the first (and hopefully not last) of Roy's Retro Reviews. I'm Roy, and unlike most reviewers, I will try not to use words like 'bad' or 'good', and will try to stick with words like 'loved' or 'hated'. With that done, lets move on to this movie, shall we?
Well, I'll have to break my taboo right off the bat. This movie is bad. That's right, the Super Mario Bros. movie is really bad. "Retard, you're contradicting yourself! If its bad why is it one of your favorite movies?!" Thats what I know some people will say. However, this is no contradiction. While I do feel this is a bad movie, I love it. No seriously, I love it. Why? Two reasons. First, its a part of my childhood, and while I'm too young to have seen it in theaters, I must've watched it 50 times on Disney channel. Second, I think this falls squarely into 'So Bad its Good" territory. I mean, just watch it yourself and count the Narms. (For those who don't know, I Narm is a line that is meant to be seriously and is unintentionally hilarious.)
Now, let me inform those of you who know nothing of which I speak about this tragic misfire. Now, everyone knows who the Mario Bros. are, everybody. So why did it take Hollywood until 1993 to make this movie? Well, put simply, they didn't have the balls. You see, this was the first live-action adaption of a video-game, and has, at least in the forceable future, sealed the fate of all video-game adaptions. I don't think you can make a good live-action Mario movie. You just can't. I think that it can work as a animated movie, and then has the potential to be great. But live-action? Seriously? Have you even looked at the source material? No offense to Miyamoto-sama (whom I worship), But the dude must've been on something to make Mario Bros.
Maybe it was because of this daunting task that they made it the way they did. Because they did not adapt the Mario series for this movie, they just didn't. Instead, they made a movie with their own coke-induced plot and characters, then gave both the movie and characters names that in some way pays homage to one of gamings 8-bit legends. They throw in vague references, but thats all they are. Now let my explain their plot. Apparently, when that dino-killing meteor hit all those millions of years ago, it didn't really kill them. Instead, the force of the impact created an alternate universe. where the ancient reptiles lived, thrived, and continued to evolve up to now, when their culture and appearence is much to humanesque to make any logical sense. Staying with me? I didn't think so. Well, around modern-time, their civilization's monarchy was overthrown with an evil tyrant-dictator Koopa (bearing no resembelance to his Japanese-namesake Bowser, now played by Dennis Hopper. No, seriously.) Now Koopa wants to use the previously-mentioned meteorite (somehow still intact) to cross into our world and take it over. However, the old queen runs into our world with a piece of the meteorite (why that stops their plans I don't know.) and her own daughterand leaves both on the step of a church, with a note saying to name her Daisy. Wait a minute?! Daisy?! Not Peach?! So you're not going to use the famous princess that everyone knows, but instead the obscure princess (who had only been in Super Mario Land at the time) that only Mario fans know about? Oh well, screw it.
You may be wondering at this point what any of this has to do with the Mario Brothers in any way, shape, or form. Great timing! Cue Mario and Luigi, two Italian plumbers and the stars of the movie, despite having almost nothing in common with the Mario's of gaming lore. And don't get me started on their "last names". What is going on with the casting?! Moving on, They meet Daisy, Luigi falls for her, she gets kidnapped by Koopa's goons and...WAIT A SECOND!? If he needs the rock to invade our world, why can his goons come in and out as they please? This is a huge plot hole! Oh well...
Really, at this point I stop, and let you, the reader, find out for yourself. I won't go spoiler-heavy, so I'll just end it by saying this. I love this movie for how awful is. There isn't any good acting in here, no good plot, nothing redeamable at all. But if you watch this as a comedy, you can have a ton of fun (Big Burtha, thats all I'll say) and laugh the whole way through. I definetely recommend this, just don't take it seriously at all. 'Till next time, later folks!