ROFL Takes A Gander At the August Movies (and Some End of July Ones)

With the last week of July upon us, the summer movie season tends to wind down a little. However, this year greets us with some big-budget, hot-action movies, along with the other summer comedies and kid films, all the way up until the end of August. Since the last day of July falls on a Friday, I decided to include the 31st in my foresight bickerings and anticipation. Without further ado, let us take a close look at the upcoming movies in the next month, shall we?

The first on our list begins on:

July 31

"Funny People" and "Aliens in the Attic" are our two wide releases for this week.

As far as "Funny People" goes, I've watched the trailer and was highly intrigued. It seemed was humorous, but in a very down-to-earth sort of way. Two buddies doing their job at the comedy club, when one of them finds themselves fighting the threat that is known as cancer. This could end up being a bit compelling, almost like a funnier version of "The Bucket List." This one is definitely on my list.

However, the same could not be said for "Aliens in the Attic." Please, someone explain the TV spot to me. All I can tell is that these kids find these--things--that have a strong resemblance to my cat's desecration after it's left out a few days. You ever see moldy cat poop? You don't want to see moldy cat poop...
Anyway, these dungus (dung and fungus) people try to build robots and the robots end up fighting each other or something like that. Listen, I can't tell who are the bad guys and who are the good guys. It looks like a five-year old's acid trip after the acid has been exposed to sugar and the sugar has been exposed to dungus. I'm just gonna stay far away as possible from this movie and it's dungus Rambo men. Ugh.

Limited releases include "Lorna's Silence," "The Collector," and "Thirst."

August 7

This time around we have "G.I. Joe: Rise of the Cobra," "A Perfect Getaway," and "Julie and Julia."

Having never heard of the latter two, I had nothing to say about them and decided to read the descriptions. I still don't have anything to say abut them. "Julie and Julia" looks cute, I guess...

Limited releases include "Cold Souls" and "Paper Heart" (LA and NY)

Oh, and as for G.I. Joe? I give you this ladies and gentlemen:


August 14

Alright, let's see what we have here.

There's "Band Slam," which looks like some of those Disney Channel stars trying to get into their own stuff to break away from that childish world they lived in to become more diverse. It's about Vanessa Hudgins trying to beat her ex-boyfriend in a battle of the bands contest....
Yeah, honestly, I'm not even sure if this is Disney or not.

Besides that we have "The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard," "The Time Traveller's Wife," "Paper Heart" gets a wide release, and--HOLY AMAZING ALIEN ANUS! WHAT IS THIS!?

This, my good fellow denizens of Spill, is the upcoming movie known as "District 9," and it looks AWESOME! With a capital A-W-E-S-O-M-E!
With all the outside marketing and anticipation, I hope to God this turns out to be what I'm dreaming it will be like: epic war and imprisonment of insect people, filled with juicy historical and literary symbolism and analogies. This, this film right here, is granted my Most Anticipated Award for the month of August!

Limited releases include "It Might Get Loud," "Ponyo," (hellz yeah!), "Spread," and "I Sell the Dead" (LA and NY)

August 21

"Post Grad" is another one I knew nothing about until now, and reading the description, it honestly looks pretty dull. What doesn't seem uneventful would be "Inglourious Basterds," Quentin Tarantino's new World War II film.

If "District 9" wasn't coming out in August, this would have been my most anticipated movie. It appears to be engaging, action-packed, drama-filled, and just fun. Plus, Brad Pitt says "Nazi" funny.

"Shorts" is Robert Rodriguez's new kid's film about... hm... You know what? I watched the trailer and I'm still lost without one clue. According to IMDb, it's about how "...the suburb of Black Falls, where all the houses look the same and everyone works for BLACK BOX Unlimited Worldwide Industries Incorporated, whose Mr. Black's BLACK BOX is the ultimate communication and do-it-all gadget that's sweeping the nation. Other than keeping his parents employed, however, Mr. Black's BLACK BOX has done nothing for 11-year-old Toe Thompson, who just wants to make a few friends...until a mysterious rainbow-colored rock falls from the sky, hits him in the head and changes everything. The Rainbow Rock does Mr. Black's BLACK BOX one better: it grants wishes to anyone who holds it. Before long, wishes-gone-wrong have left the neighborhood swarming with tiny spaceships, crocodile armies, giant boogers...and outrageous magical mayhem around every corner. But it's not until the grown-ups get their hands on the Rock that the trouble really starts. Now Toe and his newfound friends must join forces to save their town from itself, discovering along the way that what you wish for is not always what you want."

However, all I found out of the trailer was "OMGTHISISSOOONUTTSWITHADOUBLETWHYCOZTHATSHOWNUTTZITISSEEHOWIPUTTHEZTHEREIAMSOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOCRAZYIMEANYOUTHOUGHTASTRIPPERWITHAMACHINEGUNLEGWASINSANEWAITTILLYOUCH

ECKOUTRAINBOWROCKSANDKIDSWITHTELEPHONEEARSITZGONNABEWHHHHHHHAAAAACCCCKKKKKHAHAH

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAIPUTAZAFTERITISNTTHATPHTPHTPHTPHTPHTPHT!!!!!???...heh...see "Shorts."

ALTHOUGH, now that I think about it, it DID remind me of Robert Rodriguez's short film "Bedhead," which was delightfully enchanting in its own way.

Limited releases include "Five Minutes of Heaven," "The Marc Pease Experiment," X-Games 3D: The Movie," and "World's Greatest Dad."

August 28

"Taking Woodstock" is Ang Lee's new film about a guy that helped start Woodstock. Hey, I'm not turning it down, I'm a big Woodstock fan, I'm just baffled how this didn't get a limited release. The subject matter just feels like the majority of the "Transformers 2"- loving general public won't be interested in it.
They will, however, be intrigued with the two other films that are set on the same release date, "H2: Halloween II" and "The Final Destination." (Yes, not "Final Destination," THE Final Destination, as in "this is the last film but it's gonna be awesome even though we'll probably make like ten more because really aren't these films just great?)

Having never seen the first "Halloween" remake (and not recalling the best reviews for it, either), I can't say that I'm too thrilled about this new one. However, from what I understand, it's in the POV of Michael Myers' sister, which is an engrossing take on the character.

"The Final Destination" is different. Every movie has the exact same premise, the only discernable difference being the original means of death (i.e. car, plane, roller coaster), the characters, and, of course, the numerous freak accidents they are eventually killed in later. By now, it's just an excuse to watch people get snuffed off in the most bizarre way possible, which could be a big guilty pleasure for a majority of people.

Limited Releases include "St. Trinian's"

The whole month of August in film is before your eyes, wasted and wowed before they even met my eyes. Before we close, I'd like to hand out the award for the Most Anticipated Wide Release to "District 9," as well as the award for the Most Anticipated Limited Release to Hayao Miyazaki's new animated feature "Ponyo."

MoSt AnTiCiPaTeD - WiDe

MoSt AnTiCiPaTeD - LiMiTeD


I'd also like to award the Poo-Poo Garbage Stay Far Away from it Because It's Radio-active Award to "Aliens in the Attic." I'm aware that I'm cheating a little with this one since it already came out in July, technically, but it looks just so obnoxiously God-awful that I just couldn't let it slip away.

DON'T LOOK AT IT!!!!1

I WILL SEE YOU NEXT MONTH!