If it's crap... We'll tell you
Reluctantly Remembering the 80's: Jason Reviews "Kickboxer" on Blu-Ray
I know everybody is all excited by how much they loved Jean Claude Van Damme's recent comeback film JCVD, but ask yourself this...was he really that memorable to begin with? Having always heard that "Kickboxer" was one of his better films, combined with Jason's bizarre affection for all things silly in the 80's, I thought this was a nice thing to hand off to him to review. Apparently, I was mistaken. Let Jason tell you about his pain...
Any problem can be solved by kicking someone in the head. It's a philosophy to live by, but if you want to boil it down and stamp in onto a rubber bracelet - WWJCVD do? Can't pay rent? Kick somebody in the head. In a traffic altercation? Kick the other driver in the head. Someone taking too long to order at KFC? Kick that bitch in the head! But if you really want to do it right, pull off your shirt, put on some bad synth music and pants tight enough to reveal your religion, and start kicking.
JCVD's mulleted, greaseball brother, Eric, is the American kickboxing champion. He's full of swagger and arrogance and wants to prove to those unholy Thais that his kicking is better than their kicking. So JCVD and Eric pack up their best sleeveless shirts and travel to Bangkok to grapple with the shaved, muscled men of Thailand. Eric immediately gets his ass handed to him by 'Tiger' Tang Po, a pony-tailed Muay Thai killer who didn't make the cut for Street Fighter 2. Tang Po leaves Eric wheelchair bound and our hero, Jean Claude, vows revenge. What follows is an old school martial arts film without the Shaw Brothers flair. JCVD heads into a jungle that's thick with training montages. He learns to perform combat-inappropriate splits and ultimately challenges Tang Po.
"Kickboxer" is the movie that defines Van Damme. Sweaty, bronze, and more than a little homo-erotic, it was unfortunately out shined by the testosterone soaked masterpieces of "Red Heat" and "Cobra". This is raw, unrefined camp from the gayest martial artist of them all. And I'm not using 'gay' as a slur. When you see Jean Claude prancing around Bangkok with a denim vest and no shirt underneath, you'll understand. He and his brother look like two pederasts trolling for ass in Southeast Asia. Why we're supposed to believe that they're brothers, I have no idea. His brother is a meat head with a perm who looks like he got lost on his way to the set of 'Hard Ticket to Hawaii' and JCVD can barely speak English in this. Poor casting aside, the acting will make you cringe. The uninspired cinematography will lull you into a coma, but not to worry! You'll be awakened by a good hour of 80's synth pop, crafted by what sounds like Kenny Loggins playing with a $30 Casio. If you're looking for a film that's devoid of convincing drama or thrills, look no further than this - an hour and a half of sweaty goons dancing and dry humping each other in the ring.
SPECIAL FEATURES
Not a damned thing. The transfer on this doesn't even look much better than a standard DVD, even at 1080p.
JCVD is inextricable from his films and this one will serve as his epitaph:
Jean Claude Van Damme - He Could Kick Really High
I've opined about my love for bad horror plenty in these pages. Bad action is it's own glorious monster. "Kickboxer" is at the top of that dung heap and would make a great double feature with "Savage Beach" or "Sailor Boiz Volume 7". Avoid unless you hate yourself or just want to feel superior.
Click Here to Buy Kickboxer [Blu-ray]
Add a Comment
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Comment by Spider John on July 6, 2009 at 11:42pm - Great review Jason!
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Comment by Dr. Detfink on July 1, 2009 at 5:29am - Jason, I love ya like a brother but unless you learn the "Five Deadly Venoms" technique, you will not be saved from the Fist of the Gym Nazi. That date where you guys square off in Austin is quickly approaching. Don't let me down!
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Comment by Henriksen on July 1, 2009 at 5:12am - Its from Kickboxer.
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Comment by Johnny English on July 1, 2009 at 4:00am - The first picture is from Bloodsportm, not Kickboxer. Please correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm not 100% sure myself...
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Comment by MDS on July 1, 2009 at 3:13am - Kickboxer might have been bad, but it's NO WHERE close to "Double Team" bad.
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Comment by Henriksen on July 1, 2009 at 2:58am
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Its TONG PO you fucking faggot!
Is what we do here now? Gay jokes?
Anyway, this is a great film. Hell, any movie with Van Damme kicking the shit out of someone is a great film. Im definitely getting this.
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Comment by Porter on July 1, 2009 at 2:35am -
@Cult Status
If you need a hand thinking which one is better rewatch the flashback scenes from Bloodsport. The actor they got for the young JCVD makes me laugh my ass off everytime.
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Comment by CULT STATUS on July 1, 2009 at 1:59am - this has alway's been one of my favorite guilty pleasure movie's to laugh my ass off at, gets me every time. Bloodsport is great also but I don't know witch one is better.
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Comment by Russell on July 1, 2009 at 12:31am - wow fuck you Jason for bashing this movie! this movie is bad ass and yeah it is b-movie quality and I think people who find the movie homo erotic are pretty gay themselves, I've never once watched this movie and thought gay...except the dance sequence at the bar...other than that naw. Great movie garbage review! p.s. I still got love for you L.E.O.G. guy!
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Comment by Cev on June 30, 2009 at 11:11pm - I friggin LOVE this movie!!
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