If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Since I heard of its existence, I've always had a warm place in my heart for the Razzies. During the time of year where movie awards ceremonies often run the risk of oozing pretension and self-servitude (unless their host is Ricky Gervais :D) the Razzies come charging in the day before the most pretentious ceremony of them all, the Oscars, to point a finger at the very worst of Hollywood. To honor those movies that made us demand our money back, and our 2 hours of wasted time. To invite the public to give these pieces of cinema garbage a nice little gold trophy and the limelight for a few brief moments....so we could laugh at them until our asses fell off.
I find this to be a most noble pursuit for an awards show. I've always had a firm belief that one could never truly believe or enjoy something until one could also genuinely make fun of it. This applies to political affiliation, religious beliefs, and, of course, movies. So join me, friends. Join me and laugh.
The 2011 Razzie Nominations
The Last Airbender: (M. Night Shyamalan)
Little Fockers (John Hamburg and Larry Stuckey)
Sex and the City 2 (Micheal Patrick King)
Twilight: Eclipse (Melissa Rosenburg)
Vampires Suck (Friedberg and Seltzer)
This is a no-brainer for The Last Airbender. The script is baffling, slow, expostion-heavy, and....well, terrible.
I present a quote that I will always remember for it's sheer awfulness:
Firelord: "You think my son.....is this person the soldiers are calling........the Blue Spirit?
Clash of the Titans
The Last Airbender
Sex and the City 2
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
This category feels kinda pointless this year; it's 4 of the 5 Worst Picture nominees, with the 5th not fitting into this category, so they shoe-horned in another movie (guess which).
So I will save my pick for the Worst Pictures!
Jennifer Aniston and Gerald Butler in The Bounty Hunter
Josh Brolin's Face and Megan Fox's Accent in Jonah Hex
The Entire Cast of The Last Airbender
The Entire Cast of Sex and the City 2
The Entire Cast of The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
This is a tough race to call, but in the end I gotta go with my prize shit pony: The Last Airbender.
Watch this clip:
The entire movie's acting is about like that. It never gets any less shitty.
Cats & Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
Clash of the Titans
The Last Airbender
The Nutcracker in 3D
A clever new addition to the awards that I don't feel very qualified to judge on. I saw none of these in 3-D because I was warned beforehand, so I saved my monies for other endeavors.
If any of you guys were unfortunate enough to pay the inflated ticket to get a migraine, let us know which sucked the most!
Jessica Alba in The Killer Inside Me, Little Fockers, Machete and Valentine's Day
Cher in Burlesque
Liza Minnelli in Sex and the City 2
Nicola Peltz in The Last Airbender
Barbra Streisand in Little Fockers
While I'd like to say Peltz will get this, I know the Razzies would much rather humiliate the Hollywood vets and celebs instead of a first-timer. I'm going with Cher. She really bugged me in that movie. But that might be just because she's Cher.....eh.
Billy Ray Cyrus in The Spy Next Door
George Lopez in Marmaduke, The Spy Next Door and Valentine's Day
Dev Patel in The Last Airbender
Jackson Rathbone in The Last Airbender and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Rob Schneider in Grown Ups
Bummer Patel's on here. I actually found him to be kinda-sorta-not really-but-I-guess-a-tad-bit okay in The Last Airbender, despite being horrendously miscast and given a God-awful script. But oh well. He's young and successful; he can deal with it.
Oh, I'm gonna go with George Lopez, because dear Lord, that's three horrible movies you did, sir.
Jennifer Aniston in The Bounty Hunter and The Switch
Miley Cyrus in The Last Song
The Four "Gal Pals" (Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Kristin Davis & Cynthia Nixon) inSex and the City 2
Megan Fox in Jonah Hex
Kristen Stewart in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Damn. This is a toss-up. I could go the safe route, and assume the Razzies will fart in the face of the People's Choice by choosing Stewart, but....I think this is a perfect category for Sex and the City 2 to get some recognition it wholly deserves. I go with the Gal Pals.
Jack Black in Gulliver's Travels
Gerald Butler in The Bounty Hunter
Ashton Kutcher in Killers and Valentine's Day
Taylor Lautner in The Twilight Saga: Eclipse and Valentine's Day
Robert Pattinson in Remember Me and The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Same situation as last category. But you know what? I haven't chosen Eclipse for anything yet, and if it needs need a slap to the face over anything, it's the leads.
Lautner or Pattinson. Or both. Hell, I don't care.
Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer for Vampires Suck
Michael Patrick King for Sex and the City 2
M. Night Shyamalan for The Last Airbender
David Slade for The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
Sylvester Stallone for The Expendables
2 of these names I really don't feel like belong on this list: Stallone and Slade. Stallone because that movie was the exact frequency of stupidy, testosterone, and KABOOOOOM! that I feel Stallone was aiming for, and I guiltily loved the hell out of it. And Slade, because he managed to do something I didn't think was possible: he made a Twilight movie watchable. Not good, not even close to that. But it had moments that were kinda okay. In fact, I found the fight scene near the end to be, well....a little cool. Due entirely to Slade's directing chops. For this, I actually salute you, David Slade....now get away from this Twilight shit and go back to making good movies.
So, out of the remaining 3 nominees...I choose Shyamalan. And, coincidentally:
The Bounty Hunter (Columbia Pictures/Relativity Media)
The Last Airbender (Paramount/Nickelodeon Movies)
Sex and the City 2 (Warner Bros/New Line/HBO Pictures)
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (Summit Entertainment)
Vampires Suck (20th Century-Fox/Regency Enterprises)
I choose The Last Airbender as 2010's worst picture.
What about Vampires Suck? a hypothetical Spillo asks me. Korey gave it a Fuck You...and he didn't censor the "Fuck" in his video review! Hell, that's all he SAID! He must've hated the SHIT outta it. It's a much worse movie than Airbender!!!!
The thing is, I agree with you, imaginary Spillo typing away in my brain. It is a worse movie. But Airbender had something that Vampires never had an ounce of.
The source material was fantastic. The budget was endless. There was a large and proud fan-base, ready to fork over all their cash to see the movie three times in a row at midnight. And a director who had made some promising films in the past.
....huh.....you'd think some warning bells would've sounded at the time.
But they didn't! The collective Avatar community allowed themselves an inkling of hope that maybe M. Night would churn out an okay movie for once. We arrived at midnight, dressed as Kyoshi warriors and lemurs, with shaved heads and fragile dreams. We took our seats, popcorn in hand, and awaited enlightenment.
Instead, we got a $250 million+ dud that, in the words of Roger Ebert, "is an agonizing experience in every category I can think of and others still waiting to be invented."
And it is that disappointment that I believe will earn The Last Airbender the top spot at the Razzies this year.
And...that's it. Thanks for reading the general and occasionally aimless ramblings of a bored and easily amused college student. This be the first blog from a longtime Spill follower, so I'd love to hear what you guys thought! Oh,and I'd love to hear other predictions, especially in the 3-D category, or whatever other comments or ramblings you guys have. Or....you can just say hello. I like a good hello now and then.