Play-By-Play Review - The Notebook

I have to watch The Notebook for a school project, so I thought I'd comment on it as I watch.

Well this opening is rather generic. I'll admit I've never seen it in red before, but they could have at least been a little more original about it...

So an old man is reading to an obviously senile old woman a story that conveniently takes place around the time they would have been the age of the characters. I couldn't possibly guess that their relevance to the plot will be.

Wow, if I were this girl and that guy was being that forward to me, I would try my hardest to keep the fuck away from him.

'Cause that's how a girl shows somebody she doesn't like him, by pulling his pants down so his crotch is right there in her face.

Oh my god, he's stalking you, don't fall for him!

You know, Ryan Gosling could be Captain America...

Damn it, stop falling for him, he's obviously a psycho killer of some sort!

Hooray, one more annoying character for this movie. Seriously, Noah's a douchebag and Allie is remarkably idiotic. Good to have the hick dad in the bunch too.

NO, YOU ARE NOT A BIRD AND NEITHER IS HE.

For fuck's sake, can this annoying montage end already?

Wait a minute, this narration just made me realize: This movie is completely ripping off Titanic. Country boy seduces city girl by...being really fucking annoying. The only difference so far is that I really really want these people to die in a shipwreck.

OH MY GOD HIS MUSTACHE IS EATING HIS FACE!

Finally, I've learned something from this movie: people who are successful are assholes and that they should be thought of as the bad guys in society.

Oh, and all rich people have thick douchey Southern accents.

Yes, damn that man for having a personality! Damn him!

They're gonna fuck in a haunted house? That doesn't sound romantic...

Gee, that's not gonna come back later. There's no way he'll end up building a house for her that matches her exact specifications. That never happens in movies like this.

That was Chopsticks!? I thought she was just hitting random keys...

No Movie, I really don't want to see this. No really Movie, that's fine. Seriously, this is unnecessarily awkward.

Um, we're getting dangerously close to R here.

Shut the fuck up. YES, you are talking too much and you're already annoying enough as it is.

Seriously, that mustache cannot be real. It looks like it weighs at least ten pounds on its own.

Her mom has a really good poi- Well, okay, now she's getting a little personal, but this girl really should be spending more time on her studies.

Ugh, this girl's such a whiney bitch. She sounds just like every girl I knew in high school. Her mom's exactly right, she doesn't know anything about love yet. At least in Titanic they weren't teenagers. Then again, neither pair was played by teenagers.

Wow, even he's making sense, but oh no, the audience isn't supposed to feel that way. the people who made this movie want you to feel for her and think she's right in this argument, but damn it, she just isn't! Fuck this movie...

It may not sound like it, but I really am trying to like this movie. I just can't find anything good about it. Gosling's not a bad actor, but McAdams doesn't know how to deliver a line that doesn't sound like she's reading it at the time...

What the hell was that? Stop hitting yourself. Stop hitting yourself.

Twilight better not have been this douchey.

Um, this isn't the 18'40s, I'm pretty sure slavery had been abolished by the 1940's. Come to think of it, that black woman helping the old woman at the beginning was rather mammy-ish herself...

YES, Leave it alone! End this movie sooner!

Geez, they could have darkened the set and lit up her eyes and she still wouldn't have looked as blatantly evil as she did.

Oh god, this is getting way too close to R!

Wow, way to get in that emotion there...only not at all.

Is...that's not...holy fucking shit, there's a good actor in this? What the hell are you doing in this, James Marsden!? At least this movie isn't quite as bad as 27 Dresses.

Oh good, she's drunk. Now she's even more annoying.

This guy is so much less of a douche than Noah. She finally made a good decision for once in her stupid stupid life.

Endangering the lives of countless drivers so you can get back your piece of ass. Way to go.

TOO SUBTLE. There's no way anybody could make the connection between the house he was building and the exact same house in the next scene in the exact same space of the film.

Okay, that scene was pretty funny.

Wow, there are times in this movie I'm really amazed they stayed within the PG-13 boundaries.

That's an ugly dress...

Wh- What just happened? That- Oh, that was...but that doesn't make any... That was the worst editing I've seen since The Departed.

James Marsden is the playing this cool, successful, all around nice guy, but she doesn't want him, no. She wants the douchebag loser without a paycheck that she unsuccessfully tried to fuck when she was a teenager. I can't be the only person who feels this way about this movie, but the rating on IMDb (8.0/10) and the rating on Rotten To- Oh-ho-ho. It's only got a 52% on there. Interesting. Very interesting.

I just shouted "Duh" at my screen. I'm not sure if the movie actually wants the audience to know what's going on yet.

Okay, I guess they do.

Shave the goddamn beard Gosling. You look like you've been out in the woods, not fixing a house.

Fuck, I just remembered I have to write up a paper on this movie. That's gonna be difficult.

Wh...wait, did... Was he mouthing his name or was that just a terrible terrible dub?

You know, I like this story, but these characters are so freaking annoying. And so are those old fashioned telephone rings. Wow that was loud.

Rain? It's sunny outside.

Oh, I see. The bird reference earlier was metaphorical about birds migrating. In that case, this movie just got even stupider.

Geez, who is this guy, John Locke? He knew that rain was coming like five hours before it actually did.

Um, you can't go inside for this?

"I wrote you every day for a year!" And then I just said fuck it and gave up.

Well hey, looks like they're actually going to fuck this time in this PG-13 movie. Seriously, this movie is inches away from being rated R.

I'd just like to remind this girl that she's married to just about the nicest guy in the world and instead she's off fucking a douchebag she hasn't talked to in years.

"All this time that's what I've been missing?" Okay, two problems with this line. First of all, it's basically condoning teenagers having sex by saying "wow, I should have done this when I was 16." Second, um, isn't she married? She hasn't had sex with her husband?

Wow, can these people ever fuck in peace? For crying out loud, it's like everybody in this town is trying to catch them in the act.

Ew, don't shake her hand, you know what they've been doing with that.

It's an hour and a half in, folks, so we're at that point in a movie like this where I really want to give up. But fret not, I am sticking with this until the end, even if the only reason is to be able to write this stupid paper.

That's strange, I just realized that McAdams has gotten slightly better at acting throughout this movie. Only slightly though, she's still not any better than a community theater stage actor.

Wow, they're tossing out mixed messages like crazy now. Throw up the whole basket and see which ball you catch.

So...she just...carries those around in her trunk all the time, I guess.

Wow, now she's the one who's making the good choices and he's just acting like his normal douchey self. Also apparently they're not married yet, but it still applies that what they did was irresponsible.

"That's what we do, we fight!" I had a girl tell me that once because she thought that would help our relationship. I haven't even talked to her in two years.

I seem to remember another movie about a summer romance that leads to mixed emotions and romantic memories. I'm not even being sarcastic this time, it's bugging the hell out of me that I can't remember this specific movie. If I don't by the end of this, I'd greatly appreciate help.

Yo know, she could just become a Mormon and all her problems would be solved... Actually, I think it only works the other way around.

Ahahahaha, this ending couldn't be cheesier. The ramp up in the music, the hugging, the completely forced emotion.

Wow, that's an incredibly depressing concept. Not enough for me to give a shit, but the thought of having to do that every day...

Wait...um, that's... I'm sorry, I'm just having a hard time feeling for these characters after hating them for an hour and a half. I see the emotion, but I just don't feel it because the rest of the movie is so goddamn stupid and textbook.

Oh, it's not over? But that was a great ending. Why would they ruin such a good ending like this!? For fuck's sake, stop the film! They're bastardizing this worse than they did the ending to The Orphanage! I'm done with this movie, seriously. What else is there to say?

Wait, so she remembers him if he leaves her alone but she can't remember him if he won't leave her alone? If that's the case, wouldn't you rather leave her alone so she can remember you instead of satisfying your own needs to be with her even at the cost of her not remembering you? Or maybe it's just a continuity error and the writer just fucked up.

And they both died together. How thematically convenient.

Oh, now you role the credits? You just say "FUCK YOU" to the movie and just role the credits!? Well you know what, FUCK YOU MOVIE! This movie has angered me on several levels. All I can say is that I better get a fucking A on this paper.

Okay, let me calm down her for a second. I need to give a just, unbias review of this film. There was some good acting in this movie (I really liked Ryan Gosling, even if I hated his character), and it had good intentions (you know, other than money), but really it's just a sappy, generic love story that pushes some limits and doesn't utilize others. And since I've still got the credits rolling, I'll throw in how overdone the score is. It's one of those movies you don't want to hate because so many people say it's great, but at the same time you don't want to like it for the same reason. In the end, I hated this fucking movie, I'll never watch it again, and I may never find the girl for me because apparently all of them love this movie and quite frankly, that is now a turn-off for me.

FINAL VERDICT: ★

Update: If anybody cares, I did in fact finish that assignment on time.