Today, a facebook friend of mine posted this vintage video dealing with the controversial topic of internet safety.

I recognize that this subject is quite the departure from my usual media analysis shtick, but I feel that my debt is as much to the film/writing community as it is to this universal community that I like to call "humanity."(Copyright © All Rights Reserved)

You see, I've never been a supporter of "stranger danger," a method that has instilled paranoia into the hearts and minds of parents, and has kept their children from conforming to their true nature as explorers, adventurers, and ignoramuses. However, never being one to throw others' caution to the wind, I watched this video earnestly, hoping to glean some knowledge into the psyche of such advocates of mistrust.

But like any sensible person, I failed to achieve this without acknowledging the video's inherent hilarity with a few, slight, inappropriate, tear-filled bursts of unadulterated hysteria. What I found especially amusing was that the showcased pedophile looked strikingly similar to the young lad in the beginning struggling with the pornographic pop-up ads on his computer, albeit less mustachioed. Never I had I thought the day would come where I'd draw the conclusion that a victim of sexually explict adware would clearly mature into a closeted sex maniac.

Then I took a closer look at the man. And, lo and behold, I recognized him.

He was my local mall cop.

Paul Blart.

I can already see you readers shaking your heads and saying, "Well anyone could've told you he was a creep. Just look at his facial hair." But, I concede that while he certainly had his demons, 

such as being a bit clumsy,

drinking a little too much, 

and playing Guitar Hero long after his lunch break was over,

I'd never pictured that of those demons would be little Damien from The Omen.

Besides, Paul never discriminated toward children alone when I noticed him.

He always had a thing for blondes his own age,

youthful redheads,

and even Hoveround-bound Mr. McInerney, whom I'll tell you right now is no ripe cherry.

But the ominous camera angles and sinister lighting in this newfound video evidence tells a different story, the story a once-local hero turned local queer-o.

So, now that I've done my duty as a community/humanity leader to inform you of this menace, you readers must do yours, as citizens, to stop him before another movie is made in his name, because I guarantee you that movie will have a lot more penises.

As always, keep safe and don't talk to strangers,

Your community leader, signing off.

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Not cool, bro. Seriously.