If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Welcome to the August 2011 addition of….
[Basically the “Movie Dumpster of the Future” is an examining of monthly releases for movies that are probably going to be shit. This involves looking at trailers, pre-release buzz, and other stuff that involves me and the word “genital mauling” (not really). And no, I’m not saying that all these movies are going to be terrible, maybe some will surprise you and some won’t]
For this edition you can plan on me going back and forth throughout the entire blog. August is weird this year, mostly because it’s hard to tell if most of these movies are worth decimating. Some of these movies have writers/producers who are now being put into the role of director. Others have a very perplexing resume that are sometimes difficult to tell or are just plain weird, which we’ll get into later. However there are still a few diamonds in the rough, or in “Movie Dumpster” terms, a few pythons in a river full of piranhas.
So let’s get started-
Rise of the Planet of the Apes -
Remember when I said that several of these movies were going to be hard to make out? This is one of them. Directed by Rupert Wyatt (The Escapist, Subterrain), Rise of the Planet of the Apes seems like a neat idea on paper. However as far as the execution goes? Eh……no idea.
Starring James Franco (You know? That “funny” pot guy), the monkey centric movie is about a scientist trying to find a cure for Alzheimer’s disease. So what does he do? He befriends a monkey named “Caesar” and experiments on him. Caesar eventually gets smart, like “Hawking” smart, and is the catalyst to a monkey rebellion that will change earth forever.
Of course the rebellion consists of chimps, possibly orangutans, and some dick who wears a red tie along with his hipster partner who apparently wears no pants…
Now here’s what worries me. The studio claims that the CG crew is using the same photorealism effects for the monkeys that were also being used in Avatar. Andy Serkis is also in charge of the motion capturing for the main chimp himself, Caesar. The studio and production crew seem to be completely behind making this a visual phenomenon, and it looks like they “mean” it considering the large amount of talent behind this.
However after seeing both “trailers”, it doesn’t look that great. Now of course visuals can be subjective, but the blend between real sets, CG monkeys, and a stoned James Franco does not meld well together here.
I haven’t seen any of Wyatt’s films, but judging from his resume he hasn’t done a lot of big projects either. No problem with that, unless you’re working for Fox who are like the frantic housewife of the movie industry. This is the point where I stop trying to speculate because of the fact that X-Men: First Class wound up really well, however some of the studios other movies (Jumper, X-Men Origins, Fantastic Four) are really terrible.
There is a lot of potential here that can either be:
A. Used to create a brilliant prequel that will surprise people.
B. Made to simply squander money out of people because who needs a good product?
C. End on a teaser for a spin-off where you see a gorilla kidnap a girl in a pink dress, climb on top of a construction building, and battle an Italian plumber by throwing wooden barrels at him.
I’d like to go with C.
The Change-Up -
I’m confused, so you have Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman who are best friends. And they decide to switch bodies just because of Jason Bateman’s affection over Olivia Wilde?
To be fair though, Bateman’s character is a dad who is busy with the family while Reynolds is living the life making love to hot women. I mean who wouldn’t want to switch bodies just to live that young and sex driven lifestyle? Well unless your best friend contracted herpes, then that wouldn’t be funny, I think.
The plot is actually what I already told you. Two best friends switch bodies, they realize the pros and cons of leading different lives, and of course they live happily ever after. The movie is directed by David Dobkin who did Fred Claus, Wedding Crashers, and Shanghai Knights. This does not make me interested. Writers are Jon Lucas and Scott Moore who did Hangover 1, Hangover 2, Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, and Four Christmases. This……….still does not make me interested.
What does have me interested though is the two leads, Jason Batemen and Ryan Reynolds who are pretty good actors. However the rest of the movie looks like something that would be seen 4 years from now on TBS or Comedy Central. The plot of this movie sounds kind of lame; especially when you consider that it’s been done several times in other movies (Freaky Friday, Trading Places) and on TV (every sitcom within the last thirty years).
Final Destination 5 -
So a guy in a black robe walks into a bar, carrying a scythe and wearing a hood. He sits down and calmly asks for a beer. He lays the money down on the counter, bartender takes it, doesn't tip (dick!). The guy sitting next to him, wearing a nice business suit, looks over at the simple black hooded fellow and widens his eyes. As it just so happens, the man in the business suit is a big time movie producer who then says to the black hooded guy, “Hey, I know you! You’re the Grim Reaper! Oh my god I’m a huge fan!”
Hooded Guy looks over and nods, doesn’t say a word. The movie producer is gleeful, he says, “Want to be in a movie? It’s called Final Destination, and guess what? You’re the star!” Surprised by the offer, Hooded Guy gives him a good thumbs up. They shake hands, Hooded Guy finishes his beer, signs the contract and off to Hollywood he goes….
11 years later, Hooded Guy is seen working as a waiter with a low income at some luxurious L.A. restaurant. One day the same movie producer that offered Hooded Guy the part walks in and order’s lasagna. While waiting at his table, Hooded Guy walks up and is shocked to see him.
“Grim my man! So how were the movies? Was Ali Larter as gorgeous as they say?”
Hooded Guy finally utters the words, “I didn’t make the cut.”
Movie producer says, “Why?”
Hooded Guy says, “They said I didn’t fit the part because I wasn’t skinny enough, asshole!”
And that my friend is my excuse for not talking about Final Destination 5. Yep, a joke I roughly scrapped together just because at this point it looks like they are re-hashing the same movie again. Except this time we got Tony Todd playing the only guy who knows what’s going on. It’s also directed by Steven Quale-
The guy mostly did some second-hand work on Avatar, Titanic, and pretty much all of James Cameron’s projects (including Rocky & Bullwinkle apparently). So yes, you can bet your blue cat people lovin’ ass that 3D is going to play heavily in this movie. And yes, stupidity is at 100% here especially when you get to the end of that trailer. Holy shit, was that suppose to be terrifying? I haven’t seen a scene like that since an episode of Looney Tunes!
That is one of many problems I see in this trailer and what could possibly be in the movie, sure the visual effects are cool looking but the situations seem kind of silly. I mean come on, a guy hangs off a bridge and all of a sudden he’s been splattered with hot oil or something?
Sure I probably shouldn’t take this too seriously, but whoever made this trailer tried to convey to me that it was serious. I think the editor or whoever worked on that trailer probably got tired of this whole franchise, or maybe we’re just not seeing something….nah!
Conan the Barbarian –
“What is best in life?’
“To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women.”
- Conan the Barbarian, 1982, original quote.
“What is best in life?”
“To kill a bunch of guy’s, have them sit on the ground, and listen to a bunch women complain.”
- Conan the Barbarian, 2011, possibly new and hip quote.
Directed by Marcus Nispel (Texas Chainsaw Massacre [remake], Friday the 13th [remake], and Pathfinder [maybe a remake?]), the new reinvention (I think….) of Conan stars Jason Momo – or is it Momot? Hmmm…Momota? Or how about Momomasa? Uh……hold on.
Jason Momoa! He is the guy playing Conan along with Ron Perlman, Rose McGowan, and Stephen Lang. It has been a loooooooooong time since I’ve seen the original Conan, so I’m not going to even try to compare the IMDB plot to the first one. However I will say this…..the trailer is stale.
What I mean by stale is that it’s the same tricks that are being used in the Clash of the Titans trailer, the 300 trailer, and even for that “Immortals” trailer. Except it feels like it’s getting old, however perhaps that is needed for something like Conan. Guitar riffs, slow-mo, tons of CG backgrounds, and of course close leg shots of people running is what can probably be expected.
Obviously it’s hard to replace Arnold, but maybe there’s a chance that Mo-mo-moa has it in him. Because I do believe we all got a little Schwarzenegger inside all of us!
Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World in 4D -
Shit….ughhh! I feel like I just ran 20 laps around a Wal-Mart with some dick trying to push me into a moving car.
Well here we are, Spy Kids 4, All the Time, in the World, 4D. Yep you read that right, 4D! Like if 3D wasn’t enough to stab your eyes out, now you’ll want to insert them in molten lava. But hey it’s a kid’s movie anyway, so what should I expect right? Well in this one expect to see two totally different kids playing the parts, and it has Jessica Alba and Joel McHale from the bad-ass Community playing as the parents. So perhaps it isn’t all that fumingly bad?
Here’s the main reason why I decided to put this movie on the blog, and maybe it has more to do with the fact that I despise the Sky Kids movies or maybe it’s something different. So here it goes – it’s because I hate them. I know! Shocking right?!
Yes I despise them because they are way too exaggerated (even for a kid’s film), they have awful dialogue, and of course they don’t have the nerve to be more than what they are; straight to DVD movies. I know Robert Rodriguez wanted to make a movie for his “kids”, but they were just ridiculous and not even funny!
Okay my tirade is over, so do I really care about this movie? Honestly no, because as I said I’m not 10 anymore so why should I even bother? But at the same time should we really throw stuff like this at our kids because they’re really stupid anyway? No! Because we adults are already smart enough to know when garbage is being thrown in our faces!
One Sentence Wrap-up -
Instead of doing an “Honorable Mentions” section I’ve decide to go the easy route by just doing single sentences. Why? Because I can…..and because I don’t think I’m going to get through all of them by the time August rolls around. Anyway let’s get this over with.
30 Minutes or Less -
Directed by the guy who did Zombieland, the movie looks like a lot of fun, but at the same time strapping a bomb to someone’s chest seems like a cheap laugh to me anyway.
Glee: The 3D Concert Movie -
Yeah, didn’t see this one coming did ya?
Our Idiot Brother -
Something I can relate to.
Don’t be Afraid of the Dark -
Not my choice of title, I’d probably go with “Don’t be too anxious of something that Might or Might Not be There However Keep an Open Mind just in Case of the Dark”.
Well, that’s, eh, at least it’s something.
That’s it; make sure to tell your friends or whoever about Movie Dumpster. However before I end this segment I just want to let everyone know that I will be doing a blog later on about going to next year’s SpillDotCon. I don’t know when, but it is coming. Leave your comments below and thanks’ for reading.