Hola Spillerados, Meksicano here to bring you his personal thoughts and review about a certain flick, sure to be huge critical success >.>…. *sigh*

Just to confirm, yes, I managed to catch this flick by "streaming" it online, but this movie is the official finished product released overseas, so all's fair in the review. Besides, I'm not getting paid, I'm here to entertain and educate, so fuck off.


Now look, this lil’ blog might get a little personal for me, being that the source material of this film actually got me into drawing in the first place. Basically, I owe the spark of my artistic skills from this anime series. The Superman-like action scenes and interesting stories and characters, with dark disturbing moments here and there, the Dragonball series appealed to me greatly as a child.

Now I know it’s not as wide received by the general critic audience, or that there is quality merit within the series….. that the fight scenes may be over the top….or dragged out story arcs…. or cluttered with terrible dialogue… or formulaic plots…. or plagued with cheesy anime clichés…. or displays racial character desig… OK OK OK OK, FINE! It’s a retarded series that I loved when I was a child. Looking back at it with an adult perspective, I’ve recognize the series with all its flaws. Basically the cartoon and its characters are like a retarded child; with freakish inhuman strength while screaming for hours trying to “raise its power level” dialogue, but you know what, that’s MY RETARDED CHILD!! Go ahead Dragonball, drool all over the haters all you want! Go forth and punch ‘em in the nuts and skeet in their faces, my special son! Sorry you weren’t directed by Michael Bay, or didn’t have jive walking black symbiotes in your series, but you’re my special boy dammit!

"I like dragons"

Despite the love I have for the “Dragonball Z” series, and its predecessor “Dragonball” (fuck GT), I will be giving a fair review, judging this film on its own merit away from the source material. So don’t worry guys, I won’t be your typical DBZ fanboy, bitching about Asian Gokus, Power Levels, Missing Characters, or subdue you to homemade Linkin Park AMV’s. So with all that out of the way, sit back and enjoy, while I bash review the film called "Dragonball: Evolution".

"Meep, Meep"

Okay, you knew this, and I knew this, just by looking at the trailer alone, this was going to be some ol' bullshit. There was no good merit of quality or anything fresh out of the trailer. We have a lame "Prophesy" plot, which I feel it has been done to death already, uninspired bad acting with subpar effects. Pretty much nothing is appealing in the trailer other than selling the name "Dragonball", hoping that fanboys will see it on the property name alone. And speaking of the name, what kind of pathetic attempt of being "hip" and "cool" were they trying to pull when they decided to slap the title "Evolution" on there?? Wtf is this, did they actually think throwing a lame gimmicky name would make it cooler for the kiddies?

Well at least they did it to differentiate this crap from the series.

But, as a smart movie reviewer should know, never judge a movie based on a trailer or clips alone. Sure, the previews may look bad, photos could be asstastic, but the film could surprise you. So going into this with very very low expectations, hoping this film would as least have some good moments in it, I was amazed, amazed, on how bad, how fucking horrible every aspect of this turd of a film turned out to be. The acting, the story, the structure and transitions, the fucking entertainment value was pure shit in the form of film celluloid. Now what aspects will I rip touch on first... will it be the acting, the story, the amazing consistent tone of this great piece of cinema? No, how about we journey together throughout the whole film! That's right! Are you man enough to ride the shit slide with me as we go on an epic voyage through this full movie review.

Just a fair warning though, this will contain spoilers along with the full story. So if you want to skip to the main critical points, final thoughts and rating, just browse down until you see the same image below pass by.

Now ladies and gentlemen, let's get started...

It starts out with a montage legend of Piccolo and a Monkey monster named Oozaru destroying civilization 2000 years ago, and were stopped by some monks. Next we're introduced to Grampy Gohan and Goku fighting on their clothes pin wires in their backyard, if you've seen that clip already, its campy as fuck with the kiddie sound effects. Although, somewhat impressive fight work, it still doesn't hold up. Gramps wins the fight, they talk, it's apparently Goku's 18th birthday and receives the 4-star dragonball for a gift, it's cool looking, i guess. He pretty much explains the legend of the dragonballs, "Collect all 7, and the Dragon will grant you a wish". Goku is mildly wow'd by this, and proceeds to complain on how "not normal" he is. Goku's character is displayed as a socially awkward kid wanting to be normal, basically it feels like a cheap karate kid rip off, Goku being picked on in high school, being called the stupid name "Geek-o", after nearly being murdered by a bully's car. And Goku's acting abilities make some sort of funny facial expressions I can only describe as "anger" towards these bullies. He can't fight back due to a promise for his grandpa, but I get the feeling he might pull a columbine the way he's bottling up shit.

"This is my "repressive anger" face >["

HOLY SHIT, LOOK AT THAT VEIN!! Hmmmm, Why do I get the feeling DBZ nerds are treated the same way in real life o.O?

Next scene cuts to Piccolo's Slave I flying airship of doom that comes outta the fucking blue. He apparently throws a red energy ball, which cuts to a crater in some asian village far away, and he sends his asian bitch in a bad wig to fetch a dragonball for him (Now I know her name is Mai in the promotional posters, but the film shows NO INDICATION of her name! So with that being said, she will be addressed as "Asian Bitch") The only thing I like about piccolo's was his theme, the music did bring somewhat of a dark menace to his character, but it's decent at best and forgettable. And this mother fucker is supposed to be scary, when they actually revealed him all dramatic like, I could help but laugh at his "jolly green giant" appearance.

Notice how menacing his parachute pants are.

Meanwhile, back in Goku's wacky highschool hi-jinks, he day dreams about a girl he has affection for named Chi-Chi in the classroom, blatantly staring at her intensely like a fuckin perv, and outta the fuckin blue, his imagination is literally a cartoon, with Chi Chi smiling at him with cartoony backgrounds and lovey duby music. I'm surprised cartoon flowers and birds didn't come out singing a cheesy musical number. He is later interrupted by his teacher asking Goku about a Red Eclipse, in which he replies its when 2000 years ago, the Namek invader aliens almost destroyed the earth, or at least his grandpa says so. After that wierd reply, class ends, Chi Chi cant open up her locker, so stalker Goku uses his energy waves to violently open all the lockers for her, then runs away like a dork, only for chi chi to be attracted by this, and invites goku to her party after some awful lame awkward dialogue between the two.

He pathetically "suaves" up trying to get a gweedo haircut, so he can get lucky with sum Chi Chi action, and ditches his Gramps during his 18th birthday celebration. He confronts the bullies at the party, and this is the best fight out of the whole movie, even though it has a poor man's Zack Snyder slow mo action. He proceeds to kick all their asses without even touching them, allowing his opponents to hit each other. Yet for some reason, Goku turns into spider-man, jumping around making jokes through out the fight. So after the bullies are violently beaten by Peter Parker's Goku's wisecracks, him and chi chi hang out and think nothing of what just happened. *Sigh* meh, it could've been much worse...

Meanwhile, back at Grampy Gohan's lonely birthday celebration, he's just chillin out, where... outta the fuckin blue, Piccolo's Asian Bitch pops out and throws ninjas stars at him. He dodges and deflects them and proceeds to lay the smackdown on this chick. Then Piccolo walks in, where Gohan.. outta the fuckin blue, recognizes him instantly. Wait, if Piccolo is over 2000 years old, and is only known through legend, HOW THE FUCK DID GOHAN INSTANTLY RECOGNIZE HIM?!? Like if they were old high school buddies or something!! Any-fuckin-who, Piccolo proceeds to use the "force" to cripple gohan and annihilates him by crushing his house on him (which kinda looks cool).

Hmmmm, why does he look familiar?

Awww crap! They used Pastey McMasochist from "The DaVinci Code"

Goku senses this inexplicably, and rushes to aid his grandpa at the destroyed house. As he lays down dying looking up to goku.. outta the fuckin blue he says "find Master Roshi and tell him Piccolo has returned". Goku, confused like the general audience watching this movie, asks why and what happened. Only for Gohan to reply "Goku.... Have faith... in who.. you arrrrreeeeeee......blecgh *.*"

So grampy's dead, Goku goes out and buries him, only to walk into the house, and... outta the fucking blue, some random chick shows up pointing a gun at goku. Bad dialouge and acting ensues, as goku asks her if she's the piccolo that killed his grandpa. So as we're introduced to the character called Bulma, apparently she's looking for her own dragonball, or as she calls it, "a promethium orb" and they settle their lil' silly misunderstandings after she tries to murder him with gun fire. (Oh, and all guns don't shoot bullets in this movie, apparently they release colorful puff balls that really really hurt, or kill... i don't give a fuck at this point) She explains on how her dragonball was stolen through flashbacks, where piccolo's asian bitch steals the ball where bulma goes full tomb raider on her ass as she ecapes.

The two make a deal to work together and look for Master Roshi. Bulma pulls out a transforming motorcycle she pulls out of her pocket. This would have been somewhat impressive Micheal Bay didn't do it a couple of years ago. They travel and find his house, which is in the middle of the lake surrounded by the giant city. Then Bulma for no reason decides to break in instead of fuckin knocking on the door, which serves no other purpose than to blatantly put in a fight scene with Roshi and Goku. So we're now introduced to Master Roshi who for some reason looks like George Lopez. George Lopez here with an asian accent starts fighting Goku, then Goku does this lil' matrix slow jump, but only he's slow while roshi is like "wtf?", and goku proceeds to throw an energy wave which knocks bulma the fuck out.


Find more videos like this on The Spill.com Movie Community
And they think nothing of the cris brown moment, the fight ends, then Roshi proceeds to act like a cartoon. Literally, i repeat, ROSHI PROCEEDS TO ACT LIKE A FUCKIN' CARTOON! At this point, I am just shocked, SHOCKED at what just transpired here, at what asstastic, douchbaggery they just tried to pull off here. Roshi Lopez proceeds to do an over the top introduction, laughing like a live anime cliche, proclaiming he is "Mastahhhh Rooooshiiiiiiiiii!! 8D" It is very clear at this point that none of the actors gave a shit about this film......fuck you movie, fuck you.

AHHHHHGHGHGHHGHSEIHF:ILFINHWEF:IUEW:Fhqw;ogih...... movin' on >.<. Goku tell's roshi about Piccolo, and roshi pretty much says Holy Exposition Goku!! and lays out the plot and lame old "prophesy" cliche and joins the gang to find the dragonballs. Scene cuts to Piccolo's magical mystery tour of an airship, collects another dragonball by contolling all the water, then cuts back to the oh so interesting gang of heroes.

They take off, and outta the fuckin blue, run into Chi Chi fighting some random ass dude, at some random ass fight club in the middle of an effin desert. Now Goku, the genius that he is, calls out her name in the middle of her fight. Now Chi Chi, the genius that SHE is, turns around and looks back, only to get a fist at full force punch her square in the face. This violent act against a woman is so horrible yet so hilarious at the same time. Yet she's fine though, so no worries lil' kiddies, and she kicks her opponent for campy victory, and is all smiley and jumpy as she hangs with goku. A tournament is briefly mentioned, only for Roshi to go, Goku hurry the fuck up, we gotta go!

And so, the gang drives off to find the dragonballs in their wonderful magical adventure! Oh what silly shenanigans will they run into that awaits them on this mystical journy, as they try summon the magical dragon to stop the evil lord picc... HOLY SHIT, THEY FELL IN A DITCH!!!

As they lie in some pit, which appears to be a set up trap, we are introduced to even a more asstastic, douchbag, laughably badacting of a character ever to be conceived into a medium called film. At this point of the story, we are introduced to a character called Yamcha. OOOOHHH MAH FUGGIN GAWD!! Did they... did they get the actual Yamcha from the cartoon to voice him?!?! Holy Shit does he sound like a cartoon!!! holy shit, holy shit, hoooo-ly shit. It's like the movie is trying to gain a new low at every turn, like some kind of sick, personal best of shit-ography in this film. Is Yamcha trying to one-up that Roshi Lopez scene?! His acting is ROFLMAO material everytime he talks.

So anyways, Yamcha tries to sucker them for their vehicle in exchange of letting them out, apparently they decide to chill out in the hole. They Start a campfire... in the pit.. as Roshi tells his campfire story about Oozaru and Piccolo, on how they both almost destroyed the earth, yadda yadda yadda, and how Goku must fight and defeat this Oozaru in hand to hand combat if the red eclipse were to happen. Yamcha calls bullshit on the story, bulma detects a dragonball nearby, then Roshi finally jumps out of the pit so easily and asks Yamcha to join the gang. Yamcha helps out with some drill he got looking for this dragonball in exchange of 1/3 of bulma's mansion, a deal made by master Roshi. Yamcha does his surfer talk dialogue, tells Goku "everything happens for a reason bro.." turns to Bulma and winks "I got that from daytime television ;D"
........................................

..................................................

. . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . ,.-‘”. . . . . . . . . .``~.,
. . . . . . . .. . . . . .,.-”. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .“-.,
. . . . .. . . . . . ..,/. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ”:,
. . . . . . . .. .,?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\,
. . . . . . . . . /. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,}
. . . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`^`.}
. . . . . . . ./. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:”. . . ./
. . . . . . .?. . . __. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . :`. . . ./
. . . . . . . /__.(. . .“~-,_. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ,:`. . . .. ./
. . . . . . /(_. . ”~,_. . . ..“~,_. . . . . . . . . .,:`. . . . _/
. . . .. .{.._$;_. . .”=,_. . . .“-,_. . . ,.-~-,}, .~”; /. .. .}
. . .. . .((. . .*~_. . . .”=-._. . .“;,,./`. . /” . . . ./. .. ../
. . . .. . .\`~,. . ..“~.,. . . . . . . . . ..`. . .}. . . . . . ../
. . . . . .(. ..`=-,,. . . .`. . . . . . . . . . . ..(. . . ;_,,-”
. . . . . ../.`~,. . ..`-.. . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..\. . /\
. . . . . . \`~.*-,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ..|,./.....\,__
,,_. . . . . }.>-._\. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .|. . . . . . ..`=~-,
. .. `=~-,_\_. . . `\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . .`=~-,,.\,. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .\
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . `:,, . . . . . . . . . . . . . `\. . . . . . ..__
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .`=-,. . . . . . . . . .,%`>--==``
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . _\. . . . . ._,-%. . . ..`\.


Meanwhile, back at Piccolo's flying willy wonka machine fortress! Outta the fuckin blue, Asian Bitch discovers Goku and the gang's where abouts and asks Piccolo if he wants to intervene. Piccolo, discovering that movie isn't close to over yet, decides not to, for no logical reason. Instead, he decides to strap him self on some sorta S&M chair machine, to have his blood extracted from it to create some sorta monster figure that you only see shadows of. Oh shit, could we have something decent and cool in the movie?! What Im I saying, this is Dragonball Evolution!

"The Safety word is Pumpkin"

As we cut back to Goku and his posse, apparently the movie turned into a video game as they're in LAVA WORLD now! and oh noes, the dragonball is across this uncrossable lava lake, oh what will they do?! As they try to solve this delima, those monsters Piccolo created come outta the fuckin blue, and start attacking Goku and the gang. As they all start fighting, I couldn't help but think of what this reminded me of...

"It's Morphin' Time!"

As they fight these Piccolo-putties, they discover they can't be killed, because Goku randomly pulled out a sword and started butchering these guys in half left and right, only for the monsters to regenerate and produce more of themselves. So Goku decides to hack and slash, throw the bodies onto the lava so he can hop scotch his way across the lava lake to get the dragonball. I repeat, he throws the bodies onto the lava lake so he can hop scotch his way across.

But wait, it gets even more retarded!! It turns out that Asian Bitch was waiting there, SHE SOMEHOW CROSSED THE UNCROSSABLE LAVA LAKE, and snuck attack Goku. So instead of snatching that dragonball first.... she jumps Goku? and fails at that too, Goku knocks her out and leaves, without questioning the whole damn thing. Way to go Goku, for shrugging her off without even questioning her, going on your merry way. Goku has visions every time he touches a dragonball, just cheap faded flashes of Piccolo and Oozaru. They have a bad omen dialogue, then take off to some place with Asian Bitch ease-dropping on them.

Roshi Lopez visits his old master, Ernie Hudson.....Ernie Hudson, who apparently has thin cottonball eybrows and matching goatee. Roshi wants to learn the.. "MA-FU-BAAAAA", the technique to lock piccolo away. I just like how they make it sound all important and dramatic with its funny name. Say it with me... "MAH-FUUUU-BAAAAAAAaaahhhh". So Ernie playing Cottonball Pete gathers his monks to pray around this jar to prepare the "MAH-FU-BAAHH" for roshi.

ERNIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? YOU WERE IN GHOSTBUSTERS FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!

Meanwhile, it turns out roshi's old master's place is near a tournament, where it cuts to asian bitch is fighting Chi-Chi in the competition. How she got there so quick and easily, i don't have a fucking clue. She collects blood from chi chi, quits the match, then Goku shows up and has more bad dialogue with her. Later, we have a bad scene that pathetically tries to convey a lil' romance between Bulma and Yamcha that I don't care to go over. We cut to Roshi trying to teaching Goku how to produce energy waves, (you know, those colorful puff balls) Goku can't manage to do shit, but Chi-Chi shows up to motivate him, and through the power of pussy, Goku is motivated to succeed! With all bashing aside, I feel this scene actually conveys a little character development, strengthening their relationship. It's mildy decent at best, not enough to even pull this movie up a bit.

Next scene, shows "Chi-Chi" sneaking out somewhere with their dragonballs, Bulma has her at gunpoint, only to go "Oh, it's only you ChiChi" despite the fact they've never met in the fucking movie. But oh shit, it wasn't really Chi-Chi!! The gang chase her down only to be stopped by a fire in a hallway she set. Then the real ChiChi comes outta the fuckin blue, and we have some Chi Chi on Chi Chi action! So goku is the only one that has the balls to jump through the fire, knocks out the real Chi Chi only to get shot in the back by the fake one. Fake Chi Chi transforms into Asian Bitch, takes off with the dragonballs, leaving Goku supposedly dead. Apparently these puffball guns can kill now. While Roshi Lopez try to use his inner energy to revive goku, he has a vision of his gramps, in what appears to be a blue pastel heaven.

He asks grampy gohan on what to do, how can he win against Piccolo now that he has all the dragonballs?! Only for him to reply "Have faith... in who, you aaarrrrrreeeeeee" Very fucking helpful gramps!

Goku revives through Roshi's mystical energy... blood transfusion... or something, and now they realize that in any given moment, Piccolo could resurrect the Dragon and make his wish. Apparently they say there's this "Dragon Temple" they got to go to in order to summon the dragon, so they decided to rush to get there in order to stop Piccolo from making his wish! (Which... isn't quite clear on what he'll wish for...o.O) Oh, and that eclipse thing too. So basically, the showdown is about to begin. Are you ready folks, the final battle between good and evil is about to begin! Que the music!!

The Final Countdown - Europe
Now as the gang rushes to the temple, we cut to Piccolo giving a little speech as he lays the dragonballs in place. This is actually the most deep and interesting part of Piccolo we get in the whole entire movie, and it's still too short. I can feel the acting to be genuine as he says "Imagine, being shackled so tightly, that every atom in your body.. stood compacted ....still... that was my hell... for two.. thousand... years." May not be much, but it seems James Marsters was really into his role. As Piccolo places the dragonballs in their alter, apparently all hell breaks loose as Balls begin to float and glow, mountains rise out of the ground, and the landscape drastically changes. Goku and the gang are rushing towards into all this chaos on nothing but a Jeep. But wait, it's not just any Jeep!

"Where we're going, we don't need roads"

Yes, to get pass the changing landscape, the Jeep proceeds to transform and fly via "Back to the Future". Well as they're driving flying towards their destination, Roshi states that they have to stop Piccolo before he finishes the Dragon Prayer. Really,... a Dragon Prayer now? So as he fills us all in on all this information being thrown at us, I can't shake the feeling that this film is making up shit as it goes along, just to pad out this so called "climax". "Oh now, Piccolo has the Dragonballs, we've got to go to the Dragon Temple before he says the Dragon Prayer! Or else he'll use the Dragon Spatula and throw Dragon Bazookas at us! If we make it in time, we'll get a Dragon Discount when we summon the Dragon...... Dragon!" So anyways, we see the gang rush towards Piccolo and his bitch, only to catch a glimpse of old green bean doing some sorta awkward dance pose. Is this the Dragon Prayer they were talking about?? I just love his reaction of being caught looking like this....

"It's fun to stay in the.. YYYY MMMM CCCC AAAA"

So Piccolo, pissed being caught doing a fruity dance, throws an energy wave towards the gang while Roshi Lopez throws one back. Upon impact, the force of both waves sends both parties flying away violently, with the flying Jeep twirling out of control. I don't know why, but I couldn't help but laugh as the gang tried to hold on inside the Jeep. It kind of reminded me of that scene in "Lost" when the plane fell apart with people trying to hold on, well it happened here... except it's a Jeep. I don't know why, I just find it kind of amusing.

"Member when we fought Piccolo? You member! Member?!"

After the crash, Goku rises out with his full uniform from the cartoon. Now how the hell did he do that?! There is some indication of him changing into it in the Jeep, but it's so small, it just seems he popped out of the rubble with the new costume out of nowhere, especially when he's presented with a heroic theme as he stands up. So assuming after this scene, it's finally time for Piccolo and Goku to go at it and finally get an epic battle. Piccolo jumps out of his Dragon Alter tower, throwing off his robe and revealing his shiny plastic armor. So who will throw the first punch?! Will we finally get to see what Dragonball is best known for, the over the top, yet entertaining fight scene?! Well..... *sigh* this is what transpired. The two face off, with Goku proclaiming, "I will defeat you, and destroy Oozaru!". Piccolo replies, "But Goku.... you are Oozaru"

"NOOOOOOOO!!!"

Wait... what?! Did the film try to convey an epic twist on us? Not only that, Piccolo just give's out Goku's origin, of him being a Monster Monkey, coming from space traveling from another world, all in a matter of 10 seconds through quick flashbacks and cuts..... W. T. F. They just threw this information at us, all of a sudden, leaving the audience confused as fuck of what just transpired. As the viewers try to find out what the hell just happened, the eclipse comes, and Goku appears to be transforming into... into..... [Insert "Werewolf, Werewolf" joke here] Nooo, he just transforms into a Man-Bear-Pig with an orange vest looking like a hairy construction worker, becomes Piccolo's pet bitch and is ordered to go after Bulma and Yamcha.

Wow, just wow.

So as the gang run away from Man-Bear-Pig, while Roshi performs the "Mah-Fu-Bahhh" on Piccolo outta the fucking blue. By the way, this attack Roshi performs on Piccolo, has to be the most hilarious attack I've ever seen, omfg did I laugh so hard. Roshi tries to trap Piccolo in a jar using a bunch of glowy energy, causing Piccolo to twirl uncontrollably screaming in a funny incoherent manner. Piccolo escapes, and Roshi dies, apparently in Man-Bear-Pig's hand. Goku remembers grampy's dying words "Have faith in who you arrrrree" and reverts back to normal, with Piccolo stunned from what he saw. I don't know if it was Goku battling his inner demons that amazed him, or the shitty movie that is going on sharing the shock with the rest of the audience.

Piccolo posing for Maxim magazine.

Okay, now do we get to see them fight?! More importantly, will it be a good fight? Since they fucked up so much in the entire course of the movie, will this action sequence be worth it all. Well let's see... Piccolo throws fireballs at Goku, and Goku does the same back while dodging. Basically it's a high budget lazer tag match, with no impressive martial arts combat what so ever.... of course this movie is not going to give you a good final fight scene!! Even when they actually do come in contact with each other, they float up in the air and push each other away so quickly. Sooooo no martial arts... great. Meanwhile in fight plot B, Bulma and Asian Bitch are going at it Tomb Raider style with their puffball guns. Bulma's down for the count, but does one thing which I thought was kind of clever, as she's held up, she tosses the transformers motorcycle capsule, transforms it in mid-air hoping it would crush her opponent. It doesn't work of course, seeing this is rated PG and we can't have vehicles splattering everyone. Bulma down and out, ready to be shot by Asian Bitch, is saved by Yamcha shooting her in the back. Sooooo let me get this straight, Yamcha's heroic deed of this movie... is shooting a woman in the back.

..... what fucking ever, let's end this movie already.

Goku and Piccolo get up and prepare for the final showdown. Now this is the money shot folks! As Piccolo charges up his energy, Goku prepares the famous "Kamehameha Wave"! It looks like the two are about to unleash a massive destructive showdown, an energy power struggle equivalent to the most epic arm wrestle you can imagine. How does it all work out?! Well.....what you are about to witness, is the most beautify retarded finale I have ever set eyes on....

He rides with the energy wave, he himself shot, ignoring the law of physics as it appears that Goku goes up as being pulled up by strings, towards Piccolo's .... flame thrower... attack. Now, Dragonball or not... I don't care how over the top things can get... but fuck.... Inertia doesn't work that way!!! The recoil alone would at least send Goku back, not fucking forward!!! It's like shooting a shotgun and flying along with the blast, it just doesn't work that way! I know, I know, I might be over reacting, since the whole movie was bullshit, but..... daaaaaamn.

Alright, let's wrap this bitch up...

Leaving Piccolo's defeated body on the ground, the gang decides to use the Dragonballs and wish Roshi back to life. Then we get to see Goku perform the Dragon Prayer in the same funny poses Piccolo was doing, only this time Goku yells like a retard making it all so much funnier. A sparkly dragon appears, which looks no where near impressive, the gang makes their wish, the Dragon sneezes on Roshi's corpse and disappears along with the balls. Roshi wakes up, they're all happy, Bulma says "Great, now the balls are gone. Looooks like we're gonna have to find them again ;D". Oh boy, there's gonna be a part 2!!!!!!!!!

So after that pathetic sequel plug. It cuts back to Goku and Chi-Chi, with him apologizing for knocking her the fuck out earlier, during that Chi Chi doppelganger episode. She of course says she let him hit her, questioning his manhood. He accepts her challenge and the movie proceeds to rip off the ending of "Rocky III" as Goku Balboa and Apollo Chi Chi Creed prepare to face off in a slow-mo matrix freeze frame. Cue music, aaaaaannnnnddd..... end credits.

:END SPOILERS:

Okay, now that we're done with that long, "Lord of the Rings" journey through hell, let's get to the main critical points with the movie.

The acting was pretty much terrible, with some laughably bad performances (especially with the character Yamcha). The only ones that seem to be competent was Chow Yun Fat's portrayal as Roshi, even though it seemed he switched from a cartoony performances to a serious one, I honestly think he didn't know what to do with the material he was given. Along with James Marsters as Piccolo, he really seemed to be into the role, but with the little amount of screen time, and poor script and make up choices, things did not work out. Justin Chatwin held his own, portaying a dork Goku, I guess. No.. no, nevermind, he sucked. He didn't bring any likable attributes or personality into the character, and whenever he tried it just seemed weak. Same with Bulma, playing a one-tone note character. Although it could be just the terrible script, so I can't completely blame all of the actors. (Except for Yamcha, holy shit! Although I think he might've hammed it up on purpose)

The story and structure is one of the biggest fucking problems! How the fuck can you screw up a simple storyline? They need to find 7 magic balls, the villain didn't have to be uberly (and inconsistently) powerful, or have a cliche "prophesy" plot. It could've been a simple adventure film filled with rich interesting characters, with great martial arts action scenes with a reasonable villain with a motive. And if you were to put all that unnecessary plot in there, would it have killed you to at least try to make it fit and flow smoothly, instead of making me say "Outta the fuckin blue" so many damn times in this review? It's almost in the same vein as "Mortal Kombat: Annihilation". Nothing was ever explained, the world and setting seemed somewhat futuristic, but we never really go into depth on why that is. Many of the shit here was random, with no effort of connecting each scene smoothly, with no proper explanation of how and why these characters did what they did. Most of the characters seemed one dimensional, with no strong motivations. We didn't give a shit about any of the characters, leaving us with no emotional attachment towards anybody.

Now how did a film with so much of these problems ever get made, how did the problems get there in the first place? The answer is pure and simple folks... they simply did not give a shit. That's why it seems there was no effort put into this film, because no one put their heart and soul into this project. Not the director, not the producers, not anybody. The only thing they were interested in was making a quick buck out of the property name alone and selling a bunch of merchandise off it...

Wait, since when was Screech playing Goku?

Truth is folks, no one gave a shit in this studio, and if they did, their movie making talent absolutely sucks. This is just another sad case of a studio purchasing the rights to a name just to milk it for cash. It's just sad that 20th Century Fox got a hand on one of my favorite parts of my own childhood geekdom.

Now the next paragraph will address my fanboy point of view, so this rant might be a little hostile and incoherent, and hopefully the fans of the anime are with me on this. So for everyone else, I recommend you skip to the next paragraph. Seriously, if you're not a fan of the show, skip it.

:FANBOY RANT:
Okay, here we go. Why the fuck did they betray every aspect of the source material!! Goku's character felt more like Gohan in the Saiyaman saga in the series, being the nerdy high school dork. Why the fuck did Piccolo control Oozaru, or even had knowledge of Goku's origin, do the Nameks control the Saiyans or what?! Why did Chow Yun Fat look more like Master Roshi in the Pirates 3 movie than the fucking Dragonball movie?!?! I don't care about Bulma's hair color, but to dismiss it as "unrealistic" is fucking ridiculous, we see girls with dyed hair all the time, ex: "The 5th Element", "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind". Why try to fit so much from the series that you know wouldn't work, and somehow still rape the source material all into one movie! I can go on and on, it's pretty much pointless to point at every major fault this so called "adaptation" did.
:FANBOY RANT END:

Now to address to all those nay sayers on how you can never adapt this series into a good movie. I call bullshit on your claim. Any source material can make a great movie, given to the right hands, given to the right producers, writers, actors, and director. It's the deciding factor and difference of turning a well known name into either "Batman & Robin" or "The Dark Knight". It's been proven before, you can make the worst piece of shit, and a landmark phenomenon out of the same source material. With Dragonball, you will definitely need to trim a lot of fat out of it, and know what to trim in order to make something great. With this source material being a big part of my childhood, and contributed greatly to my art skills, it hurts. It hurts to see something I love in the wrong hands and have its potential wasted. Sure, the source material is childish and retarded, but so is a man running around in bat tights. Dragonball may have been over the top and kiddie, but it was never insulting. 20 Century Fox, Tom Rothman, commited rape. That's right, and you can quote me on this. 20th Century Fox is a big giant pedophile who rapes retarded children.

Bad touch, BAD TOUCH!!!

Now I know how all X-Men fans felt when X-3 ruined the Phoenix saga, how Transformers fans got a movie more about visuals than a decent story. How all these comic book and cartoon franchises are robbed of a great movie. How Phantom Menace made many fanboys scream in unison for Luca's blood. It's never a big deal to you, until it hits your own fandom. Well, here's a message for all you fanboys crying and throwing a fit over these disasters from a fellow victim...

Fuck it, you'll live, now grow up and get a job and girl, you dummy!

The movie on its own is Bullshit, there's no denying it. But the problem is that it didn't even try, and it's blatantly obvious. I can understand if the movie actually tried, but couldn't quite pull it off. No, not this film, this film is worse than bullshit. This movie is an ugly whore with bad make up, having no redeeming qualities and only interested in taking you money. I'm sure some people will find amusement out of this. If thats the case, pull out a six-pack and enjoy ripping on it with a couple of friends. Hell, even I had some fun tearing this apart with friends, that's the joy out of bad movies.

Now as a fanboy... well, isn't it obvious...


Find more videos like this on The Spill.com Movie Community
Til' next time kiddies..

-Meks

p.s.

For all those, "Whose gonna be teh next v1llian?!?" questions, here's your answer...

Be glad it's not in "Dark Knight 3"