If it's crap ... We'll tell you
As you may have heard, during a recent trip to Florida, Cat and I decided that we needed a quiet, romantic evening in Walt Disney World.
Of course, being LEOG members, this required booze. Lots of it! To Pleasure Island!!
Ooooor maybe not...
Turns out, Disney had decided that Pleasure Island was bringing in the "wrong" element and had closed all of the bars and clubs and was in the middle of turning the entire thing into another shopping district. Because, y'know, what more do we need from Disney than more places to blow our hard-earned money.
But then again, when Disney shuts a door, they open a few dozen windows. The World Showcase at EPCOT not only featured exhibitions of other countries' culture and cuisine, they also in their wisdom decided to include that most critical part of any civilization: their alcohol.
So, 11 countries. All with bars and/or booze vending kiosks.
Allow me to reproduce that moment for you:
Harris: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Harris: Good God it's like you're the little Keebler Elves living in my brain...
Now, surely, you must be thinking: These are two well-mannered, responsible adults. Surely they didn't go to Disney World just to get completely shitfaced, did they?
Basic rules: we had to take at least one drink of that country's signature booze. Should they not have one (koffkoffMOROCCOkoffkoff) some reasonable facsimile will suffice so long as there's alcohol in it.
So, Internet, sit back, relax and allow Cat and I to destroy our livers for your vicarious entertainment.
It has been decided that Cat will be drinking the girly drinks while I (who frankly thinks if a drink comes with an umbrella it damn well better be raining outside) will handle the more manly ones. This is what I call an equitable division of labor.
(Um, it is raining. - Cat)
(Quit bothering me with the facts - Harris)
Cat starts us off with something called a "Magic Blue". I am reassured that this is some bastardized form of a margarita. Frankly it looks like something that managed to escape from TRON.
CAT: I hope you know I'm going to make you regret this in the morning right?
I, on the other hand, have the Tequila flight. One blanco, one resposado, and one very delicious añjeo. Also some sort of tomato pureé at the end. Because when I've done this much tequila, you know what I really want? Ketchup.
Never let it be said I don't take my art seriously.
Cat: Norway. Land of the Vikings. You know, the Vikings weren't just the savage pillagers and plunderers you might think. They were avid explorers and traders, leading expeditions well into Russia and Asia.
Harris: Remember kids: rape before pillage. Plunder before burn.
Cat: Did I mention I'm a historian?
As befits Norway, we're drinking a local beverage called "Aqua Vite". In this case, something they're calling an "Aqua Vite Glacier shot". Presumably because, y'know, Vikings towed glaciers behind their dragon ships to keep the booze cold. Or something.
Harris: Oh fuck me running, this tastes like feet and dead hobo.
Hey, does anyone else feel like putting on a horned helmet and plundering Lindesfarne?
Cat: Well you're in luck. I'm pretty certain England's across the lagoon.
Cat: China is a nation that has been around for thousands of years. One that predates Christ. They developed science, astronomy, gunpowder and Jackie Chan movies. So of course the best way to represent it is something they decide to call a "Canta-Lupe."
Also: pandas. And monkeys.
Harris: Meanwhile, for lack of something better and less girly (Tsingtao doesn't freaking count), I'm stuck with some abomination they've called a "Green Tea Plum Slush."
On second thought I'd rather have the Tisngtao. Those always remind me of Sigourney Weaver.
Cat: I'm afraid to ask.
Harris: Flat, yet strong.
Cat: Huh. Monkey hats?
Harris: So it seems.
Cat: You'd think they'd go with pandas.
Harris: Hooray for ditching national stereotypes!
Cat: Be honest. Is this me?
Harris: "A curious game. The only way to win is... not to play."
Cat: Hey, I'm wearing the monkey hat. You know what this means.
Cat: But you promised.
Harris: No. I am NOT wearing the ears.
Cat: I mock you with my monkey hat.
Harris: I'm so not drunk enough for this.
Cat: Challenge accepted.
Harris: There's nothing like trying to represent an entire continent in about 100 square feet. And they decided to compound things by only having Safari Amber, which I'm fairly certain isn't actually from Africa.
Still, it's beer. And not another goddamn fru-fru Slurpee with delusions of grandeur.
Harris: Yup. This was all just building to the punchline of a Toto reference. GOOD NIGHT, INTERNET!
"Gonna take a lot to drive me awayyyy from youuuuuu..."
COMING SOON: PART TWO! FEATURING GERMANS! BRITS! DEBAUCHED DISNEY PRINCESSES! STAY TUNED!