If it's crap... We'll tell you
Jason Must Bear Terrible Witness to "Razortooth"
Why, you ask, why would I subject the beloved LEOG founding member Jason to such an obviously horrible piece of dreck like "Razortooth". Well, for one, I thought maybe it would fall under that 'so bad it's kind of good' exception. You never know. Two, Jason owes me ten bucks and I'm collecting interest in little chunks of his soul. And three, look at those pictures from the movie below. Somebody has GOT to hook me up with some funny macros for those. I want to see some lolrazortooth, stat. In the meantime, here's Jason with his review...
If I never see another CGI serpent movie, it will be too soon. Poor CGI has claimed more victims than the bubonic plague, and usually, it's in the form of a giant fish/lizard/snake. Since 1998, they've had to add an entire new wing onto the big box video stores. There's DRAMA, ACTION, COMEDY, NEW RELEASES, and MURDEROUS, GIANT ANIMALS CREATED WITH SHITTY CGI. The harvest is bountiful, but it's all poison. My God, if I could count the hours I've spent on trash like this when I still haven't seen 'The Third Man', I'd turn in my film nerd badge. Revoked, Jason! Go to the back of the line with Lorenzo Lamas, Kane Hodder, and Michael Bay's star spangled dick!
Do I even need to explain the plot here? Deep south. Swamp. Genetic engineering. Giant eel. Dead people. The end.
I can't tell you how many times I've seen this movie. You all have. At least once. It's like finding that 15th generation dub of the Roger Corman 'Fantastic Four' movie at a comic convention. The original had bright, crisp colors, but then someone copied it. And then copied that copy. And on and on and on. Eventually, all the life was sucked out of the image. It's a blurry mess that looked like crap to begin with. With each iteration, things get just a bit worse. 'Razortooth' is mired in cliches and stereotypes. If Hollywood (or the empty lot where this was filmed) is to be believed, the South is full of knuckle-dragging degenerates who struggle through every syllable. They're only slightly more intelligent than faceless mannequins. Honestly, with the lack of character development, they could have just cast inanimate objects. The only thing that these human actors have above furniture is that you can at least hear the people scream when they get eaten. All of them behave as you would expect, provided you've rented from the MURDEROUS, GIANT ANIMALS CREATED WITH SHITTY CGI section before. When threatened with a giant eel, what do they do? They hop in boats and go looking for it in its native habitat. Not once do they say, "Hell. Maybe we should leave town for while. You know - avoid the whole man-eating eel thing." Even if they had been given a good script, I don't know that they could have done anything with it. The casting director surely found these actors living in an actual swamp alongside the Man Thing, feeding on rats and believing that book learnin' is how the devil gits ya.
Two good things about the film?
1) Gruesome kills
2) It ends.
SPECIAL FEATURES:
-The Cast and Crew discuss the inception of the film and how hard it is to work with CGI. No shit? Really? I couldn't tell since all of you were looking in different directions whenever confronted by the giant eel. Having Ray Charles act alongside Jar Jar would have been more convincing.
-An honest-to-God country music video performed by the two leads. I'm not kidding. If you buy this DVD for any of these special features, you're probably related to someone involved in the production.
The wikipedia entry Asian swamp eels was far more interesting than the film itself. They're real, apparently. Not giant ones crafted from pixels, of course, but they do exist. They're also known as 'rice eels'. Not nearly as menacing, is it? I really wish the title had been 'Razortooth: Attack of the Rice Eel!'
I never thought I'd say this, but if you really must have a giant snake movie, watch Anaconda 3, instead. At least it's got the Hoff.
Click Here to Buy Razortooth
Comment
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Comment by Red Troll on July 7, 2009 at 11:58am - Wow, owing Cyrus ten dollars and your fate is gone. Imagine if it was twenty....
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Comment by Doctor Lightning on July 7, 2009 at 11:09am - PPS: I love how precisely the tagline describes the movie as opposed to the monster.
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Comment by Doctor Lightning on July 7, 2009 at 11:08am
- PS: I know usually snobs say that 'you call yourself a film-buff-filmmaker' about a movie... but it's the Third Man, dude, it's arguably as good if not better than Citizen Kane.
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Comment by Doctor Lightning on July 7, 2009 at 11:07am
- Yeah, really, what the fuck are you doing not watching the Third Man? And you call yourself a filmmaker? You have not LIVED let alone made a film without having seen Carol Reed shoot Orson Welles running down a sewer drain and reciting his cuckoo clock speech (in two different scenes no less!)
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Comment by The Emerald Archer on July 7, 2009 at 11:02am - Bro, I had to see Loch Ness Terror with my girlffriend, I feel your pain. The only good thing I got out of that movie was the episode of Blood+ in the bonus features. This movie was clearly out of the same cookie cutter.
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Comment by superkavi on July 7, 2009 at 10:40am -
jason, what did you do to cyrus to make him want to punish you by making you review shit films like this?
did you take a picture of your dick in his mouth while he was sleeping.
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Comment by AdventChild on July 7, 2009 at 10:32am - Wow how craptastic! Seriously, it resembles the likeness of a Sci-Fi Original movie, and most of those movies get created in about a week or so. It sounds terribly cliche'd as well.
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Comment by Mr. Erreebus on July 7, 2009 at 10:11am - Seriously Jason, I would rather pay Cyrus ten buck for you than make anyone sit through this.... This movie wouldn't even make the cut to be played on Showtime (The low rent HBO) at 2:00 AM.
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Comment by Timmy Cupcakes on July 7, 2009 at 10:07am - It's amazing how much the monster in the movie doesn't look like the monster on the cover.
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Comment by CULT STATUS on July 7, 2009 at 7:29am -
You just know a movie's bad when it drops another movies' name above the title. From the producer of Dark Knight, From the Director of Trainspotting, From two of the writers of Terminator.
I'm waiting for a movie thats so fucking bad its like, From a gaffer and a key grip that worked on the set of Cyborg 2 and says that they talked to Angelina Jolie for like a second at the catering table.
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