Jason and Cyrus Are Only a Little Itchy From "The Thaw"

JASON: Look, kids! It's Al Gore's favorite horror movie! "The Thaw" is some doom and gloom shit that takes environmental panic to the next level. Borrowing a bit from "The Thing", a body-possessing horror has been exhumed from the ice near an Arctic research station. In true comic book supervillain style, Val Kilmer wants to unleash it on the world for the greater good. A group of idealistic, tree hugging students come up to the research facility so that our crawling things can root around inside of them. Bull-in-a-china-shop activism runs riot, along with a few squeal-worthy moments.

CYRUS: I'm of the pro-Al Gore environmentalist mind set (as is anyone actually paying attention to the facts, but whatever) and I can't help but agree that this is ridiculous. The film even brings a group of young people into it, one of them playing Val Kilmer's daughter (Martha MacIssac) who isn't a believer (or at least doesn't care) in global warming, but after seeing folks get eaten alive by bugs released by...THE THAW...(this titular moment brought to you by Cyrus, inc) she realizes that the hippie kids are right and we all have to stop using aerosol or something. "The Thaw" struts about, proud to be part of the fight, as is even more wincingly evinced by the featurettes, but it really isn't at all. Global warming is the macguffin of the film but ultimately has nothing to do with anything. If this film is pro-environmentalist because of it's content then I'm pro-conserving energy every day I spend at home on the couch. Which would be a lot of days. Someone should give ME a Nobel Peace Prize.

JASON: Yes, sir. You are a true saint. Your indolence will be lauded for all eternity! I can only imagine your acceptance speech.

"Well, the only thing I can really recommend is drink more beer and play more PS3. That's what I did and it seemed to have worked out well for me. So . . . does this award come with a lifetime supply of Doritos or anything?"

But I digress . . .

This isn't a bad film, by any stretch, but it does have it's victims, the main one being Val Kilmer. This certainly isn't the first straight-to-DVD flick I've seen him in and I'm sad to say it won't be the last. Fortunately, the rest of the actors more or less keep up with him in his limited screen time. I was expecting some community theater caliber dreck here, but the twin of the guy who played Iceman in the X-Men movies and Michael Cera's love interest in "Superbad" do well enough. Okay, so maybe Martha MacIsaac doesn't quite sell the end-of-the-world desperation, but we've certainly seen worse in movies of this grade. Overall, the film gives you the heebie-jeebies just from a healthy dose of botfly-like critters that burrow under the skin. Unfortunately, it never takes it to "Arachnophobia" levels, where the viewer feels completely overwhelmed by the swarm of nasties. The characters turn on each other, evoking more shades of 'The Thing', and the threats roll along at a good clip. Still, it was missing the feel of apocalyptic horror wrought on a personal level. As Aaron Ashmore laments about the general public in this film, we, the audience, just don't care. RENTAL.

CYRUS: Hey, it would be a peaceful world if we all took some time to enjoy our PS3s, beer and snack foods of choice each day. Just sayin'.

I can't hate "The Thaw" despite it's tired and preachy premise, just ok looking CG bugs and Val Kilmer looking puffier than ever. If any of you had made "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" into the giant success it totally deserved to be, poor Val wouldn't have to be lowering himself to doing this stuff.

There are some genuinely cool moments in here, like an arm removal with a meat cleaver that delivers with the build up and then viscerally as well. I'm not a big bug fear guy at all but I'd imagine if I was, the scenes of bugs crawling into scabby wounds would have me freaking out. As is, I found it all kind of unimaginative and dull saved mainly by the competent performances from the cast. I can't see recommending it as any more than just a RENTAL. And folks, the only thing worse than bad information on our environmental problems is unsympathetic and uninformative hand wringing about it. Stop that crap right now before I release a carnivorous bug swarm on top of the crowd at the big Dave Matthews Band concert.

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