Horror Movie Reviews, part 1 of 4.

I just rented a bunch of movies, and after I had done so, I realized that they were all horror movies! So I figured I'd make a few blogs dedicated to them. This is the first of four I have planned. Hope you like 'em. And yes, there will be SPOILERS
Here We Go!

A Nightmare on Elm Street 1984

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Empires are built on minor foundations. That's the sagely-but-not-really lesson I learned from watching A Nightmare on Elm Street. I'd be shocked if there's a person who hasn't heard of Freddy Krueger. The burnt dude with the sweater and the "fingerknives", as one character put it. Freddy has ascended his roots to become an iconic villain. Hell, New Line is referred as "The House that Freddy Built." But, there's a reason Fredd Krueger's considered to be legendary, and not the movie itself. Obvious answer? It's not that good. It's a film that has a fantastic premise, but it's squandered by terrible actors, and characters that do stupid things.

While watching the film, I was struck with a feeling of ironic amusement, which was really due to recent events. The movie starts off with a scene you'd expect from the remake's trailer, showing an unseen figure carefully putting together and then testing the iconic "fingerknives", panting and giggling as he works. There's also the little song. Glorified in the trailer, sang once in the original. The film cuts to a girl exploring a boiler room, seeming to be alone. And wouldn't you know it, the man of the hour arrives, at proceeds to chase the screaming girl. She screams, and then wakes up. It was all a dream. What a relief, thank God she's alrigh-oh shit, her shirt's torn up. So at this point, the viewer knows what's going on. This burnt guy can kill you in your sleep. It's such a goddamn shame it takes the characters another hour to realize this concept. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me talk about what's good about the movie, little of it there is.

The best parts of the movie are with Freddy Kreuger himself. Anyone suprised? No? Anyway, Robert Englund delivers a downright creepy performance. He actually seems like a serial killer, and not some paranormal entity. He's giggling or breathing heavily throughout the entire film, and it's a blast to watch. Either he's cutting some of his digits, or teleporting behind his prey, it feels like he's just toying with them. The dream sequences, which are mainly the only times Freddy gets to come out and play (not cheesy sounding at all), are nearly impossible to predict. It's a lot of fun realizing one of the characters has inadvertently fallen asleep, and has to pay the consequences.

But now, the bad. And there's a lot of it.

Alright, where do I begin? How about the acting? Sure, I'll start there.
You know when you watch a movie, and the actors are really bad? As in, they seem like a form of android, attempting to display human emotion, but knowing deep in their mechanical hearts that they are incapable of doing so?
You know what's worse? Actors that are so bad, they display the wrong kind of emotion.

The main character Nancy is played by Heather Lagenkamp, and she's wretched in this movie. If you fall asleep, and in your dream you are attacked by a burnt child killer with knives for fingers, I'd assume you'd wake up and have an expression that might express this: "Holy Fucking Shit, he was going to fucking kill me I need to find somebody to talk to, mabye sort all this shit out." But not Nancy. No, when she wakes up, she has an expression that's more annoyed than terrified. It's an expression more akin to realizing you fell asleep on the job, rather then realizing you are being hunted in your sleep. When she's in the dreams, she looks more distracted then scared. There's a Hall Moniter wearing Freddy's glove, and cackling dementedly? Whatever, please get out of my way. Her boyfriend Glen, played by Johnny Depp, is more in the android-ish categorie of acting. His main expression throughout the movie is basically "As long as the check clears". But he is sucked into a black hole, and ejected outward as a geyser of gore. That earns a golf clap.

And the second half of my rant, the story. Why is everyone so stupid in this movie? I know it's a tradition of sorts for horror movies, but this is a new level, at least for me. For example, after the blond girl and Rod the greaser break the Cardinal Rule of Horror and finish having sex, she falls asleep. Naturally, Freddy shows up and claws the shit out of her. So at this point, Rod can see a screaming, levitating female with multiple slash wounds being dragged across the ceiling, causing a trail of blood as she goes.
Let me ask you, the Spill members, what would you do if you saw you girlfriend gutted like a fish, and used as a fucking brush to paint the room red?
Would you:
a. Scream and Scream and Scream while a pool of urine forms beneath you?
b. Stare dumbstruck as you brain tries to comprehend the inexplicable horror being presented?
c. Jump out of the window?

What do you think Rod did?

Thank you Rod, for now being a major suspect in a homicide investigation. Oh, you were afraid that they'd find your switchblade, and think you killed her? The blade that has no blood on it whatsoever? The blade that could help clear your name? Good going, dumbass.

And now, the pinnacle in stupidity: Nancy and her family.
After Glen's death, Nancy decides to go into the Dream World, drag Freddy out kicking and screaming, and beat the ever-living tar out of him. Not a bad plan, I admit, but I'm sure you're wondering: How will she beat him up?

I'll give you a hint, she uses a method of combat that defeated two other Masters of Evil:

Yes, in a mastery of hi-jinks only rivaled by the dumbass kid from Home Alone, Nancy ties a Sledgehammer to a doorknob and firecrackers to a trip wire. So, when she pulls the homicidal maniac out of the Dream World, she gets the upper hand on him by throwing a vase at him, and then closing her door. This is suprisingly realistic. It'd be a bitch handling a doorknob with claws that have knives attatched to them. The trap is sprung! Freddy gets the door open, and is hit the the stomach by a hammer, in a hilarious manner.

But not this hilarious.

And by the way, let's give the worst parents award to Nancy's parents. Her mom's a self-destructive drunk, and her dad needs permission from his boss to cross the street and see why his daughter's screaming hysterically.
Nancy finally ends this pathetic game by lighting Freddy on fire, and then stops believing in him. This equation is the only way to stop him, and he dissapears forever.
Or does he? Of course he doesn't. Nancy thinks it was all a dream, says goodbye to her now non-alchoholic mother, and gets into a car with her friends. Suddenly, the car rolls up the windows, and locks the doors! Her mom is still waving obliviously. Her daughter and all of her friends are then taking to Freddy's Playground of Nightmares, where they are visciously torn apart.

And so it ends. My Review-turned-Rant of A Nightmare on Elm Street.
I hope you liked it, there will be a few more, if the gods are in my favor.
I hate to be a broken record of sorts, but it's my first review. Critique is welcome, and appreciated.


Till' next time.