Freeform Awesome: Punisher Warzone

In the grand tradition of Freeform Anger changing shit up, tonight we present Freeform Awesome. Our feature this evening is “Punisher: War Zone,” another apparent reboot of the Punisher movies. And no Marvel hero has gotten more rebooting than Frank Fucking Castle.

A buddy of mine recommended this to me, stating in no uncertain terms that this shit be off the chain, yo. So instead of lambasting poor ol’ Frank as we usually do in FFA, I will be chronicling my Holy Shit moments. Hopefully they will be abundant or we’re gonna have a really short trip.

Okay, PUNCH IT!

Marvel Knights. I’m guessing that’s like Fox Searchlight with more ass-whooping.

Damn, this guy’s got guns like Liberace has feathered hats.

The streets of New York will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.

Cocaine is a helluva drug.

Mob targets acquired. Prepare for DOOM!

OH SHIT FUCK

HOLY GOD CHAIR IN THE EYBALL

Chandelier murder is the most delicious kind of murder.

FRANK CASTLE HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHIT

Mofo fixed his nose with a pencil. He eats rage and shits justice.

A crossbow is fine too.

Hope they have recycling services IN HELL

Frank doesn’t talk much in this flick. Probably because he’s thinking about who he’s going to wreck next.

His lair is like the Batcave but with more pain.

Looks like we’ve got a hot widow just WAITING to jump on Punisher’s nuts. Their children will be born with pistols in
hand.

YOU WILL NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE CASTLE. He will set your family on fire.

You think you can bring the Punisher down? ROFLMAO

That’s right mister FBI, Frank has killed the ENTIRE STATE OF DELAWARE

NEWMAN. This movie makes him awesome.

Say hello to Jigsaw. Sweet, now Frank gets to double-kill him.

Killing a doctor is bad luck.

Those children need to be punished for reminding Frank of his kids. It’s their fault.

This will end in tears. Which is AWESOME.

The only reason she’s not dead is by the grace of Frank. The good Frank giveth, and Frank, he taketh away.

You know what this movie needs? MORE MURDERING IN THE FACE

The first death by wine glass in movie history. And it will never be topped.

You can’t quit, Frank! There are bitches to be ruined!

Oh hell yeah. Time to tear open some chests and teabag some souls.

Parkour, eh? Can you outrun a rocket launcher?

GUESS NOT GREASESTAIN MOO HOO HA HA

You dare question the Punisher? Then you reap what you sow, filthy assistant.

Also the first NY officer killed by sabre. This is a movie filled with firsts.

That’s right Mr. Officer, you do what Mr. Castle tells you.

SEE? Coke will kill you, fool.

I smell shenanigans. And BLOOD.

Nice try, Russians, but the T-Virus is Umbrella’s business.

Don’t go? DON’T GO?

Birds gotta fly, wind’s gotta blow, sun’s gotta shine, and the Punisher? He hurts things, brother.

Grandma’s seen better days.

I hope the Punisher works Jigsaw for a good long time just thanks to that ridiculous outfit.

DON’T DIE ON ME

Please. Frank Castle went back in time and wrote the Bible, just so he could break every single rule he wrote in it.

The Punisher vs. an army of thousands? Pfft. The Body-Count-O-Meter awaits legendary status.

Do you plan to reinforce your stronghold? Silly mortals. Not even the Almighty Himself can slow the march of
brutal justice.

Time to Unleash the Fury©.

BULLETS CANNOT STOP HIM

WALLS CANNOT HOLD HIM

And this sequence throws more lead than a pencil factory.

Cool, the Final Boss. Time to Do Work, Mr. Castle.

Yeah, you should kill Newman. I’ve had a bit of enough of him.

Aww, I was enjoying the torture. Get back to FUCK YEAH

Let the cleansing flame consume you, you miserable cockgobbler.

YES YES YES FUCK YES

Now THIS is a proper Punisher movie. No punches pulled, no beleaguered story, no nonsense. Just good old-fashioned ass-beatings and buckets of blood. The beauty of the Punisher mythos is that he has had enough of everyone’s shit, and while he might have a soft side for the children, everyone else is fair game.

Punisher: War Zone is, compared to the full scale of films, not good. There are some cringe-worthy lines, and the plot jumps around like a cricket on the surface of the sun. But no other flick has captured the sheer brutality of the Punisher’s methods, and his moral absolutism is portrayed without any quarrel. On the Dungeons and Dragons Alignment scale, he’s as far Chaotic as Chaotic Good can go.

Punisher fans will love this. It's completely over-the-top chaos. Very comicy and filled with rage. And if you’re into it, I hear the video game is just as brutal. Marvel has too many pansies. The Punisher sets them all straight. With bullets.

I’ll throw up the horns for Mr. Castle, just so he doesn’t come and kill me in my sleep. Farktoid out.