In tonight’s “Freeform Anger,” we set the Wayback of Fail Machine back to 2007 and fire our lazors on one of the easiest targets out there: Epic Movie.
This is another of those “Oh God why did they let someone do this” movies from the handjobs who wrote and
directed “Disaster Movie” and “Meet the Spartans.” If you liked these movies, would you kindly GTFO.
Sometimes I feel like Alex from A Clockwork Orange doing these Freeform Angers. Eyes propped open, the
occasional drop of saline solution, and good ol’ Ludwig van make me give up the ultraviolence and end up getting
beat half to death by my former friends who became cops.
I’m feeling classy with my Merlot tonight, poured from a 5-dollar jug. Prepare for takeoff, here we go.
It took 14 seconds for someone to get nailed in the head.
Kung-Fu: The Legend Fails!
That’s not proper Latin.
I’ve got a golden shower! I’ve got a golden thumb up in my butt!
Oooooooohhhhhhhhhh SHUT UP
You’ve earned this beating after Guantanamo Bay, Kumar.
I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ jokes in my motherfuckin’ movie!
Land on Paris Hilton pleaaassee YES
CARMEN ELECTRA AGAIN F MY LIFE
Wolverine and Cyclops don’t hang out. This is just stupid.
Jesus, is that Crispin Glover as Willy Wonka? That… actually works.
Yeah, I saw that joke skydiving in from the stratosphere.
I’m not sure I understand this part, aside from it sucking ass.
Only Friedberg and Seltzer can make a gag about getting punched in the face completely unfunny.
COME BACK HOT NAKED CHICK!
Prepare the Triple Dog Dare!
And there goes their production budget. Way to shoot your wad early, guys.
Cribs? Didn’t that show get canceled years before this movie even came out?
STILL NOT FUNNY STOP IT
That black midget guy showed up early in this one.
Nice, magical 40 oz. I dig it. Not my brand, though.
Everyone in this movie eats too much asparagus.
Someone has seen The Naked Gun. And learned NOTHING from it.
And it’s my destiny to put my foot through the screen.
Crunk Juice can be sold, so that’s product placement.
Those argyle socks are baller.
I win. The writers watch MTV, VH1, smoke weapons-grade crystal meth, then make movies. That’s my thesis.
Nobel prize, here I come.
This has the potential for serious creepiness OHHHHH there it is.
Kids in the Hogwarts?
Well, at least they warned me about the montage. That was nice of them.
For as bad this is, their celebrity impersonators are surprisingly good.
MTV. Lowering the standards of America’s youth since about 1998 when they stopped playing videos.
How did we get into a Renaissance Faire?
THAT’S NOT EVEN PARODY IT’S JUST STEALING JOKES
Hey, Fred Willard. Someone stole Christopher Guest’s casting list.
There are other places on the human body you can punch other than the balls that is funny.
Lucy’s dumb as hell but I would still wreck her.
AND MY AXE
The red cup is the international sign for alcohol poisoning.
Damn. Someone needs a Listerine pocket pack.
DO NOT WANT
CAN WE HAVE ONE OF THESE GODDAMN MOVIES WITHOUT A RECORD SCRATCH?!
Is like Russian comedy! Big laughs, everyone dies, is good joke.
DON’T YOU DARE REFERENCE CLICK
OH FUCK YOU MOVIE
Well if anyone was going to wear a piss-soaked fur coat, it would be in this catastrophe.
All done. What has been seen, cannot be unseen.
What really hurts these parody movies, aside from being awful to begin with, is that they’re like copies of the
Madden football games. In a year, they’re completely obsolete and have no reason to exist anymore. The pop
culture stuff is completely irrelevant before the DVDs come out.
Anything I could say about “Epic Movie” has already been extensively shat on by my reviews of Disaster Movie and
Meet the Spartans. It’s a bunch of people farting and getting hit in the balls in between references to something a studio executive’s daughter said was “totally hawt” that week. They’re not even worth making fun of anymore.
In fact, I’m going to go ahead and write the next Friedberg/Seltzer movie right now. It will parrot the plot of Slumdog Millionaire (the lead won’t be Indian though). In between people getting alternately hit in the balls and head, we’ll have some Dark Knight, some sparkly vampires, something to do with Seth Rogan and/or Jonah Hill, someone pretending to be Christian Bale will flip the fuck out, a stock market joke, Rhianna will beat the shit out of Chris Brown, Obama will show up at some point (this is Tony Cox’s next role), a couple of Facebook or twitter jokes, some random superhero nonsense, the Enterprise will show up at some point, and I will kneel in the rain, holding the cold, lifeless corpse of good movies in my arms, and screaming “WHYYYYYYY?! WHYYYYYY?!”
There you go, guys, I’ve done your work for you. Residual payments will be only accepted in cash or shaved Asian boys. Fuck this movie. I’ve got work tomorrow.