Freeform Anger: Bedtime Stories

Adam Sandler has become death, the destroyer of worlds.

Farktoid back again with tonight’s Freeform Anger of Bedtime Stories. As a disclaimer, I grew up on Adam Sandler movies. I contend to this day that Billy Madison is one of the single most brilliant comedies of modern history, and anyone who disagrees can jump into that pit in 300. The swan is still looking at me.

But let’s cut to the chase. Bedtime Stories sounds like A Night at the Museum sans the museum. So let’s light this bitch up quick and see where it takes us. Hold on to your turban, kid.

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I could use a dump, fine narrator.

This violates a child labor law somewhere, I know it.

Protip: It NEVER rains like that in LA.

I like the blonde in the back, but I’ve got nothing for this bit otherwise.

These are the worst kind of shenanigans I’ve seen.

This awkwardness is Ben Stiller’s schtick. And Courtney Cox does not belong here.

Felicity grew her hair back and is hot again. Joy!

Ketchup, I don’t…. I don’t get it.

Childhood without a TV is a lost life. Thought I should point that out.

FUCK that guinea pig is terrifying.

Keri Russel is a mermaid? Oh hells yeah.

Ain’t so bad living in a giant Chuck Taylor.

I do like gumballs… kinda… do they even have gumball machines anymore?

Why is health food always more disgusting than human food?

Okay, now we’ve entered that part of Creepshow with the cockroaches that ruined my childhood.

Pedobear is on the sidelines, waiting for the chance to pounce.

Challenged ownership of a hotel? This is the plot to Billy Madison! COME ON!

GUY FROM GRANDMA’S BOY

LOL, Shawshank Gumballtion.

Seriously, someone take that Guinea Pig to a doctor, he needs help.

Bacon is the source of all life, these kids’ mother is a horrible person.

FART JOKE

Oh, look, it’s Rob Schneider with a big fake nose. I should have been waiting for that.

What the frak happened to the music budget? Suddenly it’s a jackass in a small studio with a Commodore 64 making beeps and boops in between nosefuls of cocaine.

And the midgets literally RIDE into town. That was horrible.

Seriously. Adam, Rob, just make out. It would be less painful.

Teresa Palmer is the poor man’s Keira Knightley and it works SO well… OM NOM NOM

Bugsy is giving me AIDS right now.

THE SUITE LIFE OF FAIL AND AWFUL

No Adam Sandler villain will ever match Shooter MacGavin.

Damn, that’s nice. I want a part of that campout.

TOUCHING MOMENT GET

D’awwwww!

Again, that’s just inappropriate.

CAN YOU DIG IT

Oh give the poor bastard a break here.

Where the hell did this romance come from? It makes no goddamn sense.

Wait, is that Aisha Tyler? Dude, dump Felicity and run for her, you fool!

DAMMIT

I’m having trouble with the logic in this flick. Or, to be specific, the complete LACK of logic.

Okay, some Ender’s Game action, let’s do it.

Dude, just… just gross.

TO INFINITY AND FAIL!

I AM ON FIRE

Now I don’t even know why this movie exists.

Gaaaaaaaaaaay…

This is just too awkward for words

REALLY? That’s all it takes? Jesus.

The magic is gone. Honestly, it was never here, and this is bullshit.


Oh no… no, okay. The ending is just not worth it. Happily ever after blah blah fuckin’ blah.

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Wow. At least movies like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans have a source of anger. Something to grab ahold of and strangle, perhaps to save humanity. Bedtime Stories does not have that. It’s Little Nicky with a bigger budget and some cute kids. It’s one of those 80’s movies where the cool kids are trying to destroy the youth center and the awkward guy has to win the skiing race to save it. It’s Bikini Car Wash Company without the tits. Even the special effects are half-assed. It’s a drawn-out, tired rehash of a thousand movies before it, and does nothing to stand out from those.

It’s not even worth it for the special effects. Watch Inkheart if you want that. Or even better, watch one of Adam Sandler’s early comedies on ecstasy and see it for the first time… all over again.

This is Farktoid signing off, and someone please touch me because the drugs are kicking in.