How are you gentlemen?! It’s Freeform ಠ_ಠ time! Tonight we dig our spork into another helping of Uwe Boll’s video game crapstravaganza. This time it’s Far Cry. If you don’t know who Uwe Boll is, count your blessings and run screaming from your computer right now.

For the rest of you, yes, Uwe Boll got his greasy sausage-fingers on Far Cry, a game that, while technically outstanding, isn’t really all that fun. It’s a really, REALLY pretty FPS on a tropical island covered in cannon fodder.

But if I know Uwe Boll (and I do, I have a voodoo doll of him in my conservatory), the game and the movie will have nothing to do with each other. I’m guessing there’ll be a guy on an island shooting things. So let’s just start this bullshit and weed out the nonsense later.

For great justice, take off every zig!

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I, also, have a bad feeling about this.

The costumes for this scene were bought at a Nazi surplus store.

The Predator’s gotten lazy in his old age.

Dude, with a rasp like that, you should really quit smoking.

Ouch, that reminds me of Skate or Die when you went through the chain-link fence.

I WAS PROMISED WHALES, GEORGE.

Sweet fuck I hope a whale eats this bitch.

Please do not bother Udo Kier while he’s painting. You wouldn’t like him when he’s painting.

Why does everyone in Uwe Boll’s movies look like they’re trying to pinch a loaf?

What in the bald blue fuck is wrong with Valerie’s eyebrows?

I can’t even fathom how that door is supposed to work like that.

Guess I didn’t give the epic military facility’s IT department enough credit.

They’re installing an IDE hard drive in that man. How odd. I would have gone with SATA myself.

Where the hell ARE they? I don’t think they even sell that VW in the US.

He’s been wearing that flower shirt for awhile. That’s GOT to smell by now.

I prefer just hot. Save the eyebrows.

That accent is just grating against my eardrums. Like chainsaws on a chalkboard.

All he needs is some sparkles with that pale skin and he can be a vampire.

WHERE THE HELL WERE THEY HIDING THAT ROWBOAT?

You called down the thunder, well now you got it! Vengeance from a guy in a red and white floral-patterned
button-down short-sleeved shirt!

Oh, wait, he took the shirt off.

I think the only way Uwe can get an erection is by blowing up a Humvee.

She seems awfully calm for a person being shot at with .50 caliber bullets.

That’s the dumbest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen Manos: The Hands of Fate.

On top of the awfulness present, the music sounds like it was a project by a high school kid learning MIDI.

C’mon titties…

Awkward…

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Yeah, share a moment with the guy who was about to kill you. This has crossed into retarded.

They have very poor health insurance on this island.

Far Cry: Shot on location at the filthiest garbage dump in the cosmos.

That was entirely unnecessary.

SANDVICH OM NOM NOM

Oh neat, they have a physics engine in this movie. Just like the video game!

Why are you giving a shit about the fatty fat fat fat? Aside from the fact that he was pretty funny in Postal, I mean.

Wow, that was really, REALLY awful. I gotta give it up for that.

Oh, that’s right, eyebrow-girl’s still in this movie.

The plot here came to a screeching halt about 40 minutes ago and is currently drooling quietly in the corner.

I Spy? Are you fucking kidding me?

Ain’t nothing wrong with being a sick egotistical maniac.

This worked so much better in the Last Crusade. SO much better.

Evil geniuses of the world agree; Alienware is a fine computer.

I don’t even know what the fuck is going on anymore.

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At this point I miss the bullet-time horseshit from House of the Dead.

Wait, are there teams now?

That was a well-placed shotgun HOLY SHIT

Udo Kier is SO going to die at the end of this.

I think the guy with the intestines hanging out is a lost cause. It’s the one thing I took away from Saving Private
Ryan.

Can we stop with the flashing lights now? I’m going to have a seizuhreoaijnsdladf

Shot in the back over a matter of 80 dollars?!

You guys don’t have like, a helicopter? A Dirigible? Something more… you know, supervillainy?

MAX SMASH

You… you’re going to end it like that? REALLY?

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I don’t ask much of Uwe Boll. I really don’t. I expect a shitty-ass movie based on a video game that had little to no plot to begin with, and I expect to laugh at how bad it is. But Far Cry? No. Just no. The bits that were supposed to be funny made me cringe. It was just so forced and so disingenuous. And the action scenes looked like something Backyard Wrestling fans would scoff at.

Personally, I think Uwe Boll hates video games, and has made it his life’s mission to annihilate any chance for a video game movie to be good. And he’s not the only one. I think ANYONE who makes a video game movie despises them and purposefully makes an ass movie to undermine the artistic merit of the game’s plot. And considering that the Halo movie was canned, I also believe there’s a conspiracy behind this.

Our only chance left is Bioshock, and I’m afraid they’re going to wreck that too. I’m going to rate Far Cry a hybrid rating of Fuck This Bullshit. Uwe Boll should have stopped with the greatest troll in movie history, Postal, and laid this whole thing to rest.

Jesus.