It is often said that the same piece of artwork can look entirely different for two different people. One person could say that the Mona Lisa depicts a seated woman whose smile says she is hiding a secret, possible a clue to the location of the last living heir of Christ, while someone else could say the Mona Lisa would look a whole lot better with a set of breast visible, yet it doesn’t change the fact that it is still a painting. The same thing could be said for a piece of shit. To one person a piece of shit could look like Jesus hanging from the cross, while another one would say it looks like someone had the beef and cheese taco from Taco Bell, either way it is still a piece of shit. What does this have to do with my current review, outside of giving me a valid reason to compare religion to shit? What other clever way could I have used to lead into my review of Dragonball Evolution, outside of showing you a picture with the entire cast and crew decapitated? Yes I have in fact two opinions when it comes to Dragonball Evolution, though, as stated in the shit metaphor, it doesn’t change the fact that this is still a terrible movie. Now what are those two different views you ask? Well my dear readers its very simple, I can see this movie from to different stand points,; one being my analytical mind that can dissect movies with the care of a surgeon, and my undying nerd rage over what has been done to such a beautiful series. The best way to image my voice for each different view is like this, the analytical mind is a charming, well-read British man, and while the raging nerd in said of me has the voice of a drunken Scottish-man. Nevertheless, let us get started with this review of, Dragonball Evolution.

The movie starts, as most movies do, with the opening credits. Unlike most credits which just have nice music while the names of actors and people you will never remember or care about flash up on the screen, this one gives up a back story for the movie.
A back story which really isn’t needed here. After all, this is Dragonball most people have either seen this show, heard about it, or wiki’d it before they cam… GOKU IS NOT PICALLOS SLAVE!!! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU RUIN AN ENTIRE SERIES WITH JUST ONE SENTNCE. MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE BLOODY PAINFULL ISN’T. WE ARE ONLY TWO MINUTES IN AND I HATE IT!

Yes as my drunken counterpart so loudly put it, this is where the movies loses all connection with the Dragonball series as a whole. From this point on destroy all expectations you had of ever seeing a Super Saiyan Goku, or any mentions of Saiyans for that matter, for in Evolution it is all a lie. Goku was never sent here from the planet Vegeta, instead he was a servant of the evil warlord Piccolo who once came to Earth and nearly destroyed it about two-thousand years ago, who was stopped by seven mystics who sealed him inside of the Mafuba for all eternity.
Wait, so is this Mafuba the rice cooker? And this would have to make him Demon King Piccolo if they sealed him away, right? WRONG! There is never a mention of Kami or how he was separated from his evil half which changed into Piccolo. No, in Evolution, he is just an evil Namekian who wanted to destroy the world. Before you even ask, they don’t pronounce Namekian right; this movie is already pissing me off.
Anyway, we cut to the face of our CGI sweat covered protagonist, Goku. Yeah, they don’t use real sweat for this scene and it’s a really stupid one at that, we spend thirty seconds looking at sweat fall from his face, onto the ground, mixing with the sand, and then we get to see his face, but not before a leaf blows lazily in the wind.
Yeah, this guy, with the biggest hurr-durr, expression is supposed to be Goku, who is being read the rules form Fight Club by Grandpa Gohan. Just from this one shot I can already tell that I’m going to hate this guy. Why you ask? Because, he is a bloody teenager! A GODDAMN BLOODY, WHITE ASS TEENAGER!!! Well technically he is eighteen, but that doesn’t matter. Goku in the Dragonball series is supposed to be a kid, one who is living on his own, without a care in the world. His life consists of fishing bare assed in a river, and training, not worrying about his goddamn school grades!
But before we can get to the beauty that is Goku’s high school life, we must get a shot of his home life, where he lives with his adoptive Grandfather Gohan. There charming little life is filled with sparing matches where Goku is a little cheating bastard and throws a beetle into Gohan’s mouth. Don’t worry, that rebellious little teenage bastard gets a face full of Ki and is knocked on his ass and into a patch of watermelons, being the first of many painful pratfalls.

And while we are on the subject of Ki, I’m just going to jump in here and say, I hope that this isn’t what the attacks are going to be based on, a shameless rip off of Avatar: The Last Airbender, if so someone is going to pay dearly.
After a brief scene where we find out that it’s Goku’s eighteenth birthday, no doubt a plot point that will rear its ugly head somewhere in this film, we find out that he is teased by bullies at his high school. You know what, I’m going to sit back and smoke a joint, while my drunken counterpart handle what happens in these next few scenes.
{Long sigh followed by a sharp in-take of breath} THIS IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER HAD THE DISPLESURE OF WATCHING! MY CHILDHOOD HERO, GOKU, HAS BEEN TURNED INTO A QUIVERING PILE OF PUSSY, ONE WHO LETS BULLIUES OUT OF THE MOST CLICHED SCHOOL FOR BULLIES WALK ALL OVER HIM. WHY, YOU ASK? BECAUSE HIS GRNADFATHER TOLD HIM ITS WRONG TO FIGHT. I CALL SUCH BULLSHIT ON THIS. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK HE WAS GOING TO DO WITH ALL THE FIGHTING LESSONS YOU WERE GIVING HIM GOHAN, BECOME A SIDE SHOW AT FUCKING BARNUM AND BALIEYS CIRCUS! AND THEN THEY HAVE THE NERVE TO BUT MY HERO ON A FUCKING BYCYCLE. A FUCKING BIKE! THIS IS A TRAVISTY THAT EXTENDS BEYOND ALL TRAVISTIES, THEY HAVE TUNRED EARTH’S MIGHTEST FIGHTER INTO…AND FUCKING TARGET FOR BLOODY BULLIES. YOU KNOW WHILE I AM HAVING MY LITTLE RANT HERE, LET ME SAY SOME MORE ABOUT THAT FIGHT WITH GOHAN. IT IS BY FAR ONE OF THE WORSE COROGRPHED FIGHTS I HAVE EVER SEEN. THEY BOTH JUST SWING THEIR ARMS LIKE TO IDIOTS WHILE THE WIRE CREWS PULL OF SOME OF THE MOST PAINFUL WIRE SEQUENCES IN EXISITANCE. THEY EVEN TRY TO USE SLOW MOTION AND THEY FUCK THAT UP. HOW DO THEY SCREW UP SLOW MOTION? BY HAVING GOKU GOING INTO A TERRIBLE FLYING KICK IN SLOW MOTION, WHILE GOHAN JUMPS IN THE AIR AT REULAR SPEED AND FIRES OFF ONE OF THE MOST POORLY PUT TOGETHER SPECIAL EFFECTS ATTACKS. THIS IS ONLY MARED BY THE SLOW MOTION SHOT OF GOKU HAVING HIS MOUTH BLOWN WIDE OPEN, LIKE HE IS SOME DOG STICKING HIS HEAD OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR WINDOW!
You done over there? {holds up finger, trying to catch breath] Very well then, I shall continue.

After Goku arrives at school, we get to see the bullies that he has been complaining about. Usual the bullies in movies just tend to push you around and call you names. Well these bullies, they don’t fucking play, the run Goku over and crush his bike underneath their car. I mean holy shit, these guys are just plain out assholes. I can’t even see any reason why they would bother Goku in the first place, it’s not like he is incredible smart, or dresses in all black. He seems to be just a normal looking student, even though we know that he is not. There is really no reason or logic behind the bullies messing with him, outside of trying to overcompensate for the fact that they have three inch cocks. And are all gay for each other. Also, the actor who plays Goku has some of the worse face shots I have ever seen, after the bullies tease him and almost commit vehicular manslaughter, we get a nice full frontal face shot of what Goku looks like after a night of Taco Bell. No joke, it looks like he is trying to shit the Titanic in that shot, its utter comic gold.
After a transition from Goku’s constipated look, we get to see our first shot of the villain of our film, Piccolo. How did he escape the Mafuba? Fucked if I know, I’m just trying to make it through without killing anyone. SO our Piccolo, flying in his really…weird looking ship, drops a Ki ball into a village below. At least I’m assuming it’s a Ki ball because it looks like a red ball of smoke to me. Last time I checked, the Ki balls in the series were bright yellow, almost white in color, and were not smoky at all. I know that I should let my drunken nerd counter-part point this out but he is dealing with a really sore throat. Well back in the film, the Ki ball that Piccolo dropped seems to be very selective about its destructive powers, for it only seems to level all the buildings in the area while leaving all the people unharmed. Once again, fucked if I know. It is in this destroyed village that we follow a young woman. Who is this young woman, what does she have to do with anything in the movie, why the hell do you think I give to shits? Well one of my questions is answered when we discover she has a Dragonball for some reason. My guess is they needed some way to move the plot along after they introduced Piccolo, so giving a random chick in the middle of a leveled village that we know nothing about seemed to be the best course of action. After we establish that this random girl has a Dragonball, we then find ourselves face to face with…another random chick. MY GOD THEY JUST SEEM TO BE THROWING ANY RANDOM PERSON THEY CAN IN THIS MOVIE. Oh, you mean that she has nothing to do with the series what so ever? YES, THIS IS JUST ANOTHER RANDOM PERSON THAT HAS BEEN THROWN INTO THE MOVIE FOR THE SAKE OF MOVING ALONG A REALLY TERRIBLE PLOT, I CAN’T WAIT TILL THIS MOVIE IS OVER. Well I’m glad that your voice is feeling better, though I think you should stop shouting. Well it’s kind of hard to contain all this hatred, I have to shout it to the heavens in hopes God strikes down the entire cast and crew of the movie. I don’t think that’ll be happening anytime soon, I kind of compared religion to shit in the name of a metaphor. You idiot, now I have to do it myself, but maybe we should get back to the review. Yes we should.

Well after Piccolo and his random Asian thrall acquire the Dragonball, we then jump back to Goku sitting in class as we over here the teacher talking about a solar eclipse. No doubt this has something to do with the plot in some fashion, because I highly doubt that a bunch of 12th graders don’t know what a solar eclipse is. While the teacher talks about the important plot point, Goku decides it’s the perfect time to have a wet dream in the middle of class, His fantasy of choice this time, Chi Chi eating a strawberry very seductively in a felid of flowers. Unlike most people that have fantasies about the hot girl in class, Goku looks directly at her and puts on the biggest perverted grin in the world. God, this guy is an idiot. Before Goku has a chance to jizz in his pants, the teacher quickly pops him out of it and asks him a question about the eclipse. Normally I wouldn’t bring up such a mundane point in a story, but this one is special, for it I think my drunken nerd can break it down for you.
Well, this is just a tiny infraction, one that really gets lost in the sea of bullshit. Goku, who got this information from his grandfather, mispronounces the word Namekian. It’s a very small thing, one that barely deserves my full on rage, but it still one that irks the ever loving shit out of me. That and also if the Namekian’s nearly destroyed earth only two thousand years ago, why aren’t there any records of this. I mean it was only two thousand years ago, it’s not like the entire human race was wiped out of existence, and I’m pretty damn sure that at least one person would have kept records of such an event. This entire sequence is not only an error to the series, but an error onto the movie itself, as such it should be removed as soon as possible. Preferably with a sledgehammer. Wow that was rather calm, it totally caught me by surprise. I know, I’m building my rage for the big stuff, please do continue.

Right, well after that little bit, we cut to Goku and Chi Chi in the hallways, were Chi Chi is having trouble with her locker. This looks like a job for, Goku The Locker Opener. Using powers that he previously couldn’t use, Goku valiantly opens all the locker down the hall with a single attack. And yes, all of that was meant to be read with a heroic voice filled with sarcastic overtones. Apparently lockers are the only thing that Goku’s Ki will work on, after all, earlier in the movie he couldn’t use it against a tree, but locker, oh they don’t stand a chance against Goku’s might. After Goku gets caught with his Ki hanging out, Chi Chi, who somehow knows about Ki, decides to invite the locker warrior to her party. Before we get to the party, we get to partake in food related humor and hair related humor. What food humor could there be? Well if you are hoping for Goku to be surrounded by food and empty ramen bowls as the food humor, well you’re wrong. Instead we get to see Gohan eating chicken feet in front of the camera, and it’s kind of…disturbing. I swear it sounds like he is making out with the chicken foot, gives me the creeps. Then we have Goku trying to flatten out his not Goku hair. This results in a sort of funny moment where his hair pops back up, splattering the mirror with hair gel. Well after that little bit of humor we see Goku head out, taking the Dragonball with him for some odd reason, leaving Gohan to celebrate Goku’s birthday alone. Somehow I highly doubt Gohan left anything in his will for Goku.
Goku arrives at Chi Chi’s party and immediately attracts the attention of the bullies. Goku quickly pussies out and gets ready to leave, but then he remembers that he is a fucking Goku and goes back and beats them all to a pulp. Well at least I wish he would, instead does some quick time event like dodging, and the bullies beat themselves up. This all is done with some really bad choreography, what a surprise, and Goku pretty much breaking dancing all around the place. Yes, this is what passes for a fight scene in this movie, but don’t fret, we are only seventeen minutes in, things can only go up from here.

Unfortunately they don’t go up from here, after we get a really cheesy conversation between Goku and Chi Chi, where he explains that he always celebrates his birthday on the exact same day, which happens to be on the day of the full moon. Does this mean he turns into the Ozaru and kills everyone in sight? No, the full moon means absolutely nothing, it just happens to be there. Things just go further down hill, as Gohan, who looks like he is regretting ever finding Goku, is suddenly visited by Piccolo’s minion, whose name I think they never mention though through the power of Wikipedia I found out her name was Mai. This results in a very quick but painfully stupid fight scene in which the two play baseball with throwing stars. Yeah, even though Mai has a perfectly working laser pistol which she could use to injure the obviously frail old man, she resorts to using throwing stars. Why, you ask? Because she looks and acts like a ninja, and all ninja using throwing stars! Also Gohan’s weapon of choice is a red Bo Staff which is supposed to be the power pole. If it is in fact this weapon, why the hell doesn’t he just make it extend and beat the ever loving shit out of our wanna be Naruto? After that Piccolo walks in, doing his best imprison of Lord Voldemort, and senses that the Dragonball is not in Gohan’s possession, after which he performs the Cruciatus Curse, see that Harry Potter reference went somewhere, and leaves, but not before crushing Gohan’s house with his bare hands. Well, more like making a crushing motion with his hands, and scared the house into collapsing in on itself. Also I must say Gohan takes a lot of abuse in this movie, Goku not only leaves him alone in order to look at Chi Chi’s Chi Chi’s; but makes him to swallow a bug, disrespect’s him, and in the end he gets crushed by his own house, God no one loves Gohan.
Another thing I notice is that, Piccolo can sense the Dragonball’s therefore wouldn’t he know that it wasn’t there before he went inside the house? I mean, the ball isn’t in there anymore, so he wouldn’t feels it energy, and he couldn’t know the Gohan would even have it because he has been imprisoned for two thousand years, so there is no way that he could even know that Gohan was in possession of a Dragonball. For all Piccolo knows, they are sitting in the middle of a damn Pawn Shop. Moving on, the Goku’s feels that someone else is abusing Gohan other than him, for some reason the Dragonball reacts to this, and he rushes back home. Once there he sees his crushed home and runs inside, this is shown by the way of some really quick camera cuts that serve absolutely no purpose except to make you scratch your head at them. Goku drags the dying Gohan who tells him that he needs to find Roshi and tell him that Piccolo has returned and that the only way to defeat Piccolo is with the seven Dragonballs that must be found before the Eclipse. Even though the eclipse has absolutely nothing to do with the way the Dragonballs work and is just the writers trying to stuff something to do with the moon into this movie, just because the moon is important in the series. Hell, if you are going to try and crowbar something into a movie that’s based on something else, at least crowbar it in there right.

After Goku buriers Gohan on a hill, instead of calling an ambulance or anything, he goes rooting through his ruined house to find the iconic Gi that Goku wears in the Dragonball anime. Why does he have this, what significance does this have outside of pleasing some sad fan boy out there? None, none whatsoever. We get no back story on where the Gi came from, just a disembodied laugh from Gohan. Though he is pulled from looking at this Gi when a new character come onto the scene, this one being Bulma. No, that’s not Bulma. What are you talking about, she says her names is Bulma. No, THAT is not Bulma, that’s a Laura Croft wanna be, she was a bossy damsel in distress who often needed other’s to help her. Also, she knew that the Dragonballs were used to make wishes, not some type of bullshit power source. Ugh,, this movie is giving me a headache. Are you sure it’s not the alcohol? Maybe, I mean I am playing the Dragonball Evolution Drinking Game, every time this movie fucks up something in the series you take a shot. So, I should have the hospital on speed dial? Yeah, ‘causes here goes number thirteen, for fucking up Bulma’s hair-do. And people said this movie wouldn’t kill you. After we hear some more talking from Bulma, mostly about her Dragonball being stolen and how she wants them all so she can make an unlimited source of energy, the two decide to partner u to find the remaining balls. Though there is something else irking me here, if Bulma’s machine could pick up on the Dragonball’s energy signature so easily, why couldn’t Piccolo, I mean he had to have been closer to Goku than Bulma was, hell Goku arrived only a hour at the very least after Piccolo’s attack, and Capsule Corp. was all the way in the city.
After hopping on a reject from the Transformer’s movie, the pair make their way to Paozu city, where they search for Master Roshi. You know, the same Roshi that lives on an island, not in a city, ‘nother shot. While Goku is stuffing his face full of chicken, at least that got something right about his character, he senses Gohan in the air, which somehow tells him that Roshi is in the city. This is also somehow confirmed when Bulma’s Dragonball Locator picks up on the energy signature of another ball. This leads them to Roshi’s house. Is this the same house that Roshi lives in on an island that has Kame House written on it? Nope, instead he lives in a construction site, which is like an island, apparently. Damn, I’m getting wasted, how far are we into this movie? Twenty-eight minutes, and things will only go downhill from here. I’m going need another bottle. Moving on, Bulma and Goku proceed to break into Roshi’s house, we are treated to a really terrible scene were Goku snags several rocks out of the air, of course when you have the rocks moving in slow motion and Goku moving at regular speed, it kinda ruins the affect. One of these rocks pings against the sleeping Roshi and he quickly leaps down to attack Goku. Now I love Chow Young Fat, he is one of my favorite actors and he does not disappoint in this movie either. He is the only person who seems to have actually studied the character that he is supposed to be and tries his best to embody the personality of Roshi. Sure he overacts a bit, but hell at least he is fucking trying. So I don’t have to take a shot? Well, no, not really, I mean he is perverted, old and can actually fight. Good, ‘cause I just pissed on the floor, and it smells like whiskey. Ugh. After the fight where Goku gets his ass handed to him and then hits Bulma with a terrible CGI air ball, this being my one and only favorite fight scene in this movie, Goku tells him that Gohan has been killed. This prompts Roshi to recite the poem about the Dragonball’s while doing a very…weird dance to his speech. Why is he doing this? Apparently he was auditioning for The Last Airbender movie and wanted to practice his bending. Why did you mention that shitty movie? Oh, you will see why in a few moments.

After Roshi does his little song and dance, Goku finds the next Dragonball, this gives him brief flashes of Piccolo and Ozaru alongside some places on the Earth being blown up, he tells both Goku and Bulma that when the Sun is eclipsed by the Blood Moon, the apocalypse will happen. Yeah, somehow we have gone from dealing with a warlord bent on destroying the world, to the goddamn apocalypse. Sure you could argue that Piccolo is the apocalypse but let’s look at his plan. All that appears to be on his checklist is get the Dragonball’s and kill anyone who gets in his way. We never find out what he wants to wish for, he just wants to collect all the Dragonballs, like he got the wrong idea how Pokémon works. Speaking of the walking Yoshi, we cut to Piccolo on his flying air ship as he blows away all the water in a lake. Where the water goes, I have no idea and I really don’t care. Either way, he finds a Dragonball in the water and then we cut away from him. Yeah, we really don’t get to see much of our villain do anything outside of blow up a small village without killing everybody, kill an old man and destroy his house, and now banishing all the water in a lake to who knows where.
Any who, we cut to our three heroes, and I use that term very loosely, where we get to see why I mentioned Last Airbender. Don’t tell me what I think you are going to see is what happens in the movie. Well if you are expecting me to say that all of the attacks used in the movie are not based on Ki flow but on how you manipulate the elements of Fire, Water, and Air, then you would be correct. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How the hell can you do that, again this movie fucks up everything I love. I mean God, this is just painful, fucking air bending technique. Are…are you downing an entire body of Jack Daniels? So….this movie…is just…so…ba…d. *hic* Imma pass out now. Uhmm…okay…I should go call an ambulance, but you deserve this, besides no one ever makes it that far in the Dragonball Evolution Drinking Game.

After that painful bit and some equally as painful dialogue being exchanged between our characters, our intrepid trio, somehow, cover at least hundreds of miles on a small underpowered ATV, or in Goku’s case on foot, and arrive at some scared place that Roshi was babbling on about. Yet when they get there they are in for a surprise when they find out that participants in a Martial Arts tournament are training here. Why is there a Martial Arts tournament? So Chi Chi can have something to do outside of being useless, after all when your character contributes nothing to a plot you shove them into a fighting tournament, besides it worked well for Yu Yu Hakusho, why won’t it work here. Oh, that right, Yu Yu was actually good. Any who, Chi Chi tells Goku that she’s a fighter and that no one at school would understand, and considering the fact that the people at this school consist of bigger douche bags than the ones one the Jersey Shore I’m inclined to believe her on this one. After this pointless scene, Goku and friends speed off into the distance, rocking out to some really terrible music that tries to make Bulma look badass but fails epically, Roshi continues his training with Goku in the art of ripping of a much better show, I mean teach him air bending. This all goes south when Bulma picks up a reading on the Dragonball locator and turns to go find it. Unfortunately she turns into a huge hole that she somehow didn’t see. Who could have dug such a big trap hole? TEAM ROCKET, THAT’S WHO! Wait… I mean Yamcha. Actually I take that back, Team Rocket sounds a whole lot less disappointing. Is Yamcha as annoying and useless in the movie as he is in the series? No, he is actually worse. Somehow he succeeds in being the most annoying character in all human creation, even SpongeBob is more bearable than this asshole. The best way I could put it is like this, take the pure asshole factor of the entire cast of the Jersey Shore, add the pure essences of Pauly Shore, and a tinge of Sara Palin you’d have the Yamcha of the Dragonball Evolution movie. Yeah, and that’s me being nice with that visual. He easily has some of the worse dialogue in this movie, actually every line he says sounds like the butt to an unfunny joke that only he knows. His attempts at humor make me want to strangle baby orphans. Yeah, it’s that bad.

After it gets dark, Roshi tells us the tale of how Piccolo attacked the Earth two thousand years ago with Ozaru, he does this with picture he makes in the fire? How? I don’t know, fire bending for all I know. Though his story does bring up one glaring plot hole, how did Piccolo escape from the Mafuba in the first place? It is never explained at all in the entire movie. Also the eclipse is brought up once again, though instead of saying that it will bring about the apocalypse, he says that it will bring about Ozaru. The story is stopped when the Dragonball locator picks up on the same Dragonball that lead them there in the first place. Why is it just now going off when they have been in that same hole for the past few hours? Why the hell are you still questioning the plot holes in this movie? Anyway, in order to get to the Dragonball they employ the services of Yamcha in exchange for a third of the money Bulma would have made from her Dragonball energy thing. Yamcha uses his drill to cut through a bit of rock in like a few seconds, somehow making him seem even more useless, hell he acts like he just saved the world single handedly all because he drilled a hole through a wall. This movie needs to hurry up and end before I blow a brain nerve or something.

Anyway we cut to Piccolo and Mai, which sounds like the title to a terrible sitcom, where Mai reveals to Piccolo that Roshi is training Goku. What’s odd about this scene is she refers to him by the name Son Goku, when not even Gohan called him Son Goku in this movie. Secondly how the hell would she even get this information, she couldn’t have over heard Roshi say it, is she like some professional stalker as well? I don’t know, and I don’t really give a rats ass. Piccolo does some weird Masochistic stuff, where needles are shoved into his arms in the name of pure erotic pleasure. Or to give life to some monster, though I’m just convinced he enjoys the feeling of pain.

After Piccolo comes down from his orgasm, we cut to an underground volcano. Apparently they walked onto the set of Journey to the Center of The Earth, because that’s what this reminds me of, hell somehow this place even has clouds despite being underground. Anyway, Yamcha does more Yamcha stuff. What is that stuff you ask? Well he gets a jet of steam, steam that must be hundreds of degrees hot considering they are right next to a volcano that only messes with Bulma’s Dragonball locator instead of killing them, right in between his legs. Yes, a crotch joke, as if it wasn’t bad enough he feels the need to tell the world, and I quote, “Peas and Rice, I JUST FRYED MY NADS.” Yes, never before has such an idiotic line ever been spoken in cinema, not since Battlefield Earth has a line of dialogue ever turned a monastery full of peaceful, vegetarian monks, into a mob of ravenous rage zombies, the name Yamcha moaned from their lips as the run rampant throughout city, devouring everyone in sight that looks, sounds, smells, or even thinks like Yamcha from Dragonball Evolution. Are you happy DBE? Are you happy that you have brought the Raging Zombie Vegetarian Monks down upon us? I hope you’re happy, for when I find you and take you behind the shed to kill you like Lassie; it will be that much more pleasurable. To watch as your eyes fade to the back of your head knowing that you have lost every…sorry I was in the middle of a particularly pleasant Wet Day Dream and started typing it into the review. Let me get back on that…after I change my pants.

Alright, after some awkward laughter from the group, laughter that sounds so painfully forced, like the director and writer of this film were off screen telling them to laugh or die, Yamcha claims that he sees the Dragonball across the pool of incredible hot lava. Not knowing how to get over it, they search for a way when they are attacked by the monsters that Piccolo grew. Either that or rejects of the set of Power Rangers. Either way, we get another pitiful fight scene, where Goku does some flips and punches, while Roshi blocks with the staff and fires another sad Windows After Effect attack, while Yamcha and Bulma are off to the side, looking useless. At least they captured that part of the series correctly. After seeing that the Putty Patrol rejects don’t burn, or show any visible damage for that matter, when they are tossed into molten lava, Goku gets the idea to make a bridge out of them. How? Well for plot convenience whenever the monster are cut, both halves form a new monster. See this would make since, if it didn’t raise any questions. For one, if the monsters could only be defeated by throwing them into lava, why the hell did Piccolo send them into a cave that was filled with lava? If he created the little grey bastards, I’m pretty sure he would have known that their one weakness was molten rock from the center of the earth, where are heroes, once again used loosely, happen to be surrounded by. And you can’t say that he didn’t know there was lava, because Mai is right behind them, waiting in the damn shadows. Hell, it would have made more sense to just wait till they got the Dragonball and then had your freak shows attack them. God, why am I trying to interject logic into this movie? Either way, Goku makes a bridge out of the dead, or not dead, bodies of Piccolo’s minions and does his best impression of Mario and gets the fire flower. I mean Dragonball. This prompts another flash, again, of what may be the future, one where they steal clips from other movies where things explode. I’m not kidding here, I swear I saw at least three different scenes from other movies, there is a scene in there from Independence Day, The Core, and Twilight. Sorry, I mean Grandpa Gohan talking to Goku from beyond the grave, and judging by the background he must be in hell. Of course we don’t have much time to reflect on this as a foot, owned by random ninja Mai, comes out of nowhere and snaps Goku out of his little flash thing. This results in a quick fight in which Mai get fisted across the cave. Unfortunately none of them have the bright Idea to maybe kill her, but we need her to give some more use to Chi Chi’s character later on in the film, and that’s using the word film lightly.

Luckily we are spared their travel to whatever the name of this city is, at this point I really don’t care it’s almost over. There we met ERINE HUDSON!!! Yeah, the Ernie Hudson from Ghostbusters. Why is he here? I mean he still has a career and Ghostbusters 3 to look forward to, run Ernie, run away from this abomination!....Sorry, I was under the impression that my voice could leap through time and tell him to back away from the money that he is being offered for his small part in this film. Anyway, Ernie has his painful cameo, and tells Roshi that he will have the Mafuba finished soon. Yeah, sure there is more stuff they mention about the prophecy and Goku not being ready, but it’s not important. The film might try to fool you into thinking its important, but it’s not. Nothing in this movie is important. Any movie that takes the awesomeness of Ernie Hudson and turns it into…a pointless cameo, has no point anymore. I mean, the best GhostBuster there was has been reduce to…ugh….let’s just move on.

Now it’s time for some girl-on-girl action as Chi Chi and Mai fight in the pointless tournament that was created so pointless characters could have a reason to do pointless things. What are these pointless things you may ask? Well how about obtaining someone’s blood so you can shape shift into them later. Yeah, that was the entire point of this tournament, because after this moment it will never be mentioned again. Next we move to Bulma and Yamcha who prattle on how they both wanted to be rich or famous, or have personalities. This is followed by them about to kiss, though they have shared no more than four lines with each other. Though this does capture the fact that Bulma is man hungry, after all she did what to use the Dragonball’s ,in the series, the wish for the perfect man. Instead she wound up with Vegeta, though it’s better than being with Yamcha.

And after that scene we get more of this bullshit about airbending and how the Kamehameha is the last level of AirBending techniques, despite the fact we haven’t seen him practice any of the other levels, or fight the Fire Lord, or lean EarthBending and WaterBending, or fight Zuko, or go into the Avatar State or DUDE! Save that anger for the Last Airbender review. I pray to God that what I just heard is just the booze talking, either way it’s still pure bullshit. HOW can you say Goku wasn’t ready to learn it, when in the series he figured it out just by watching Roshi do it? Does this movie EVER wish to have creditability with any fans of the series? Maybe if I finish off this second bottle of Scotch it will look a whole lot better. Wait…you’re still alive? You blood must be nothing but pure alcohol at this point, I mean I know it’s a drinking game but come on. Oh..this isn’t just for the game, this…is so I won’t remember this…mo *hic* vie now…bottoms up. I…have no words…but….yeah…just no words, back to the review.
So after Roshi shows Goku that AirBending can also light torches on fire, ‘nother shot for lying, and that you can do the Kamehameha through what looks like deep breathing and Tai Chi, ‘nother shot for pure bullshit, this is followed by Chi Chi watching Goku like a voyeur from the shadows and gets him to light all the torches in the courtyard with the promise of sex, and another shot, for Chi Chi being a slut, though that’s not too bad.
Anyway, after that we get a quick, and I do mean quick, scene of Roshi and the other temple guys, who we never get to see again outside of this one shot, before we a whisked away to Bulma sleeping her bed. Sure this would be interesting to look at, if she was wearing a bunny costume, but unfortunately I don’t have the Dragonball’s to make that wish. Suddenly Bulma is awaken by Chi Chi coming out of Goku’s room and comes out ready to blast her head off. Of course we already know this is Mai, because this is terrible writing and its painfully obvious, but to our heroes they are surprised when they find out that the Dragonballs have been taken. This also brings into question how Bulma’s Dragonball Locator works. It seems that whenever the Dragonballs are in it area, the thing goes off, yet when Mai was standing right in front of her, the locators didn’t even beep. Makes you wonder if that thing is only here as fan service, as if to say “OH LOOK HERE SHE HAS A DRAGONBALL LOCATOR! SEE THAT MEANS SHES BULMA, NOW WE CAN USE IT TO SET UP WEAK FIGHTS AND STUFF”. And a weak fight scene is what we get indeed, as the two Chi Chi’s come face to face, and yes I could do a breast joke here but it would be to obvious, as Goku watches form the sidelines, trying to figure out which Chi Chi is the real one. Obviously he listens to the first one that asks for his help, instead of trying to figure out which one is the real one for himself. And for his sheer stupidity he gets shot in the chest and dies. Sure they say that he is barely alive, but no, he is dead, this movie did the one thing that not even Buu could do, it killed Goku. Then again, this really isn’t Goku so, I guess not, but at least that means the movie is over, it’s not like they are going to pull some bullshit, like bringing him back to life. Okay, so they show him on the set of Twilight, with Gohan dropping off hints about him being Ozaru, this is spliced in with shots of Roshi doing something with his hands, similar to what he did when he showed Goku how to …do…the...Kame…their not. Wha’? What are they not doing? God…he’s saying it, they can’t possibly stoop so low. Why is Roshi saying kamehameha over Goku’s dead body? Please tell me it’s the Vodka.
NO NO!!!!!!!!! I CAN”T FUCKING BELIVE IT, THEY DID NOT JUST DO THAT!!!! THEY DID NOT JUST USE THE FUCKING KAMEHAMEHA, AN ATTACK THAT DESTROYED EVERY LIVING CELL IN CELL, AN ATTACK THAT HAS DECIMTATED THE MOON, AN ATTACK THAT HAS ALMOST DESTORYED PLANET EARTH, INTO…A FUCKING HEALING MOVE!!!! MY GOD, THIS IS BY FAR THE BIGGEST SLAP TO THE FACE IN THE SERIES, I WILL NOT STAND FOR SUCH A BLANTANT DISREGARD TO DRAGONBALL HISTORY THIS IS A TRAVISTY OF THE WORSE KIND, THIS BY FAR IS THE WORSE CRIMINAL ACT EVER COMMITED SINCE UWE BOLL MADE ALONE IN THE DARK. MY GOD, MY THE CREATORS AND WRITTERS OF THIS TRAVISTY BE PUNISHED BY THE RIGHT HAND OF GOD AND THE LEFT TESTICALE OF THE DEVIL! MY FIRE AND BRIMESTONE RAIN DOWN ON THEIR CHILDREN AND THEIR CHILDREN’S CHILDREN, MY THE REPRODUCTIVE ORGAN BE RIPPED FROM THEIR BODIES JUST TO FACE FUCK THEIR SOUL’S! You…done…there…you kinda scaring me, considering how you are drunk and talking about reproductive organs face fucking souls. Blame the rage of that one moment, that one moment gave me enough strength to burn away every ounce of alcohol in my body just so I can formulate that one statement, now I must down this entire bottle of Gin just to rid my mind of such an occurrence.
Well…while you’re busy killing off your liver, I am determined to finish this movie, it’s just hit the one hour mark and we are nearing the home stretch. Goku and crew quickly make their way to the Dragon Temple, a place we have never heard of till now, that, for some odd reason Piccolo is going to summon the Dragon from. Why in this spot? Because, we need a area for a climactic battle to take place, that’s why. Anyway, Yamcha uses his flying jeep, just go with it, to arrive at the Dragon temple where Roshi hits Piccolo with an energy wave that collides with one that Piccolo sent out. The shockwave from this sends not only the jeep hurtling towards the ground, but knocks the Dragonballs free. Somehow, no one gets hurts despite them falling hundreds of feet in the air and colliding with solid rock, Roshi and Goku I could understand but Bulma and Yamcha, please. This prompts Piccolo into battle mode, and he jumps down onto the scene in preparation to fight Goku. I could take this time to mention how Justin Chatwin looks in the iconic Gi, but I don’t wish to disappoint you further, just imagine a giant turd dressed as Goku for Halloween. As Goku and Piccolo come face to face for the first time this entire movie, yeah they never met till now; we finally get to hear what Piccolo’s plan is for the Dragonballs. To wish to rule Earth. Wait…what? So this guy who almost ruled the Earth two thousand years ago, a guy who could only be stopped by sealing him in a freakin pot thing, wishes to be able to rule Earth. The way they have built him up and talked about his passed made it seem like he could do it all on his own, sure he had that one weakness with the whole Mafuba, but all he had to do would be to wish for that to never exists, or wish to be immortal like Frieza. On top of that, he also has the Ozaru to do his bidding as well. Dear god this guy is lazy. Anyway, Piccolo reveals to Goku that he is, BIG SHOCK, Ozaru. This is followed by the moon eclipsing the sun which turns him into the Ozaru, a very terrible looking CGI affect. I mean this is just terrible all around, it’s so bad that we don’t even get a good look at the beast, yeah it one scene the camera decides its feet are more interesting than looking at the monster that has been built up throughout this movie. Regardless of the terrible affects, Roshi runs over to the Mafuba and releases its powers, capturing Piccolo within its energy beam. You know, it kinda reminds me of the Ghost trap. The one from GhostBuster, the movie that Ernie Hudson was in. Maybe that’s why he is in this one, he did give Roshi the Mafuba, maybe it’s actually the Ghost Trap. It would at least give a small reason to why they used Hudson in this movie. Though it doesn’t matter because Piccolo pretty much blow ups the Mafuba. This really begs the question, why the hell didn’t he do that two thousand years ago? I mean, he shows that he had the power this entire time to just blow the damn thing up, why didn’t he just do that before. Nothing about this movie makes any sense, so we had a villain who, at first, could only be defeated by the Dragonball’s, then it was by Goku, then it was by the Mafuba, but now it can’t be the Mafuba because he blew that up. How come the writers couldn’t make up their minds on what could get rid of Piccolo, I mean they pretty much destroy everything said about the Mafuba being this one all-powerful weapon that could lock Piccolo back up. I mean if he had shown signs of being more powerful than the last time he was locked away then I would have bought it, but they don’t do that. Instead they say “Oh, he destroys it. Why? Because we need him for our giant battle at the end.” Well even though it doesn’t work, Roshi still loses his life, though with his last breath he tries to get through to Goku. After a moment that’s supposed to be sad, if you actually gave a damn about the characters, Bulma is quickly attacked by Mai and of course Bulma follows her. While this is happening, the movie finally attempts to be Dragonball by having Piccolo and Goku duel it out in a battle of Ki blast, though its mostly just Goku flipping around like a monkey in front of a green screen while multi-colored balls fly past him. Well…its terrible looking…and shoddy….but at least they tried in the end. So now you like this movie? No, still bullshit, ‘nother..*hic*…shot for misleading me.

We then cut to another scene with Bulma and Mai fighting, where our Laura Croft wanna be must have learned to shot from Storm Troopers, because she misses every shot despite Mai being in a small cavern. Then we get another cut, Jesus there are a lot of cuts in this ending, to Goku and Piccolo colliding into each other. Then we cut back to Bulma and Mai and Mai apparently has Bulma cornered, at least till help arrives. In the form of Yamcha. If I were Bulma, I’d rather take the death then say I was saved by a man who said “Peas and Rice I just Fried My Nads”.
And now we come to our climax in the film, our final showdown between Piccolo and Goku. As the dramatic music reaches its crescendo, our fighters take their places, Piccolo in the sky talking about how human power has failed in stopping him before, and Goku on the ground, talking about how he must become one with himself and some other Karate Kid bullshit. Could this be what we have been waiting for? Could all of our tested patience and drunken fun, Yo, be given its rewards? Will pigs fly out of my ass? Of course not. Instead of getting the most notable attack in anime history, you know what we get? A bunch of blue colored wind. Yeah, no bright beam of energy, just wind. Somehow Goku manages to fly while shooting this beam and hits Piccolo head on. How is he able to do this, I have no idea. Wait…I missed it…did ….did it look like the kamehameha? Think about everything that you have seen in this movie thus far, do you honestly think it would? Damn it…’n…’nother…*hic* shot. Aaaaaand he’s out. Yeah….he’s out like a light, that man made it this far into the Dragonball Evolution Drinking Game, he deserves a award. Or a new liver…and a new pair of pants….and someone owes me a new carpet. Dear God it smells like pure alcohol.

Anyway to make a long and painful story short, they use the Dragonballs to bring Roshi back to life, they talk about having to find the Dragonballs again, and we end with Goku and Chi Chi fighting each other. Wait…that sounded stupid. Instead we end with some random lady from before, nursing Piccolo back to health, setting up for a sequel that will never happen. Cut. Print. Burn the script.

This movie is nothing more than pure trash. Terrible dialogue given back terrible actors, actors who seem to not even care or have any ideas on how to portray their characters, a plot that makes no scene and takes a back seat so far back that they can’t even explain what’s going on in this fucking mess. This movie has little to nothing to do with the series, the sad part about it is Akira Toriyama was actually brought on to be an Executive Producer for this film. More than likely they just brought him in to say “Hey, look, it’s the guy who made Dragonball, now watch as we defile it in front of him.” Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like what use to be Akira’s vision of the Dragonball series didn’t make it onto film. Now I would let you hear the nerd side of the review but…he’s not feeling well right now so you can pretty much sum it up with a lot of screaming, ranting, and maybe some dead puppies. Either way this is a movie doesn’t appeal to both movie goers and fans of the Dragonball series alike. In conclusion all I have to say is FUCK THIS MOVIE! This is the FurryHat saying, I still don’t have a clever saying to put at the end of my reviews.