Dan's Retro Reviews: Hellraiser

Please, people, stop buying souvenirs from foreign countries, because whatever it is contains something extremely evil.

To prove my point, we have movies like Hellraiser. Here, a guy buys a puzzle box from Morocco after being told it will give him all the pleasure he could ever imagine and more. Well, as it turns out, it unlocks unholy creatures called Cenobites that TEAR HIS SOUL APART!!!

Fast forward years later, a family moves into the house of the dead guy and an accident involving blood loss provoked said dead guy to rise from the dead. The wife of the family sees him and recognizes that he was her ex-lover. He tells her that he needs more blood to fully regenerate, since he pretty much looks like a corpse. She humbly obliges and soon enough, he’s almost back to normal (at which point he looks like Red Skull from Captain America). However, the Cenobites catch wind of his actions and plan to TEAR HIS SOUL APART!!! (God, I love saying that.)

This movie was a lot gorier than I thought it would be. But considering that this movie has sort of a otherworldly S&M vibe, I wasn’t too surprised. The Cenobites are some ugly, evil motherfuckers, especially Pinhead (who has THE most sinister voice I have ever heard!). They are godlike figures that treat those who summon them to unbelievable pleasure through indescribable pain, which includes hooks and chains through miscellaneous body parts. (So, I would only recommend this if you have a REEEEEEEEEEEEALLY fucked-up fetish.)

Maybe it’s just me, but I found not a single character in the movie (except the Cenobites) likable; whether it was intentional or not, I don’t know. I just didn’t warm up to the characters’ personalities at all: the oblivious husband, the conniving wife, the voluptuous daughter (who I only liked because of her curves), etc.


OVERALL: This is a great horror flick despite the lack of likeable characters. I can see why people love this movie so much. Go see it as soon as possible.


RATING: 5 out of 5