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Cyrus Wishes He Hadn't Seen Uwe Boll's Latest, "Stoic"
STOIC
*sigh* What was I thinking? Did I not see the tell-tale “A film by Uwe Boll” on the cover of this DVD? For those who don’t know, Boll has achieved infamy for being one of the worst and laziest filmmakers out there, having made clunker video game adaptations for most of his career that make even “Tomb Raider” look good. Genre entries like “Alone in the Dark” and “House of the Dead” made Boll the target du jour of fan boy wrath. I suppose when I saw his film “Rampage” at Fantastic Fest last year and it wasn’t awful, I was suffused with hope for the man. Consider me no longer suffused as “Stoic” is just Boll being shocking and trying to pretend it’s important or artistic some how.
According to the film, this is based on a true story, but I’d add a big grain of salt to that since it’s coming from Boll and ‘true story’ doesn’t mean what it once did in Hollywood terms. Simply, three inmates in a shared cell rape, torture and eventually fake a suicide to murder a fourth cellmate. The story is told alternating between filmed interviews with the surviving inmates and of the events themselves as a puffy Edward Furlong and his two buddies turn on their roommate like animals.
Only a pathological bully could enjoy this mess. It’s ugly in concept and execution. Even the editing is sloppy. The dialogue was all improvised so at least it seems more or less natural, which is part of the only thing I can’t criticize too much: the performances. Although Furlong seems out of place here as head sociopath (but then, Boll’s casting practices have nothing to do with who is right for any given role, self-admittedly), generally speaking everyone performs up to snuff, especially the relatively unknown Sam Levinson as the regretful inmate who deserves a chance at better material than this.
Unless you like loving and seemingly endless shots of a man being forced to eat his own vomit, amongst other even worse things, and then being told at the end that it’s all an object lesson about how jail makes even small time criminals into monsters (seriously, how does Boll sleep at night), then you want to absolutely SKIP “Stoic”. I wish I had.
CLICK HERE TO BUY Stoic
BUT ONLY IF YOU HATE YOURSELFComment
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Comment by Palladiamorsdeus on May 24, 2010 at 12:24pm
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Yea, and can you blame them? Would YOU want to take a risk on video game adaptations after what that man has done?
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Comment by Grievous501 on May 24, 2010 at 5:21am -
Uwe is the reason that studios are kind of reluctant to give the money out to make big adaptions like Halo, Bioshock and Gears of War.
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Comment by Santos on May 14, 2010 at 5:01am -
"CLICK HERE TO BUY Stoic BUT ONLY IF YOU HATE YOURSELF"
That is so fucking awesome!
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Cyrus, you have my condolences on having to suffer through anything made by Boll.
Marsailis Bryant, no. Just.....no. If you aren't a fan of the material, that's one thing, and if that is the case then movies like Iron Man or Kick Ass just really aren't up your ally. But that doesn't make them bad movies. Iron Man 2 was not as good as the original, it's true, but it wasn't really a bad movie. It just had some flaws that kept it from being great.
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Comment by Dave on May 12, 2010 at 9:57pm -
dude it's uwe boll,you know that in order to watch anything he makes you have to punch yourself in the face before,during and after because you have chosen to punish yourself.
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Comment by Derek Burgett on May 12, 2010 at 9:05pm -
@Marsailis Bryant
your so so so so so right! im so glad someone else thought that those movies were garbage with effects attached.
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Comment by Marsailis Bryant on May 12, 2010 at 6:19pm -
Surely it can't be as bad as Iron Man 2 Cyrus. Watched this piece of $#!% and it was no worse than Kick-Ass, as a matter of fact, everything you said in your review can be said of the same group of wish fulfillment seeking fantards who enjoyed the ridiculously pointless amount of violence and profanity in Kick-Ass (I read the book, all 8 issues of it and although the film was toned down it still sucked), but then again, I may be wrong...
Though I seriously doubt it.
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Comment by Torrey. on May 12, 2010 at 4:20pm -
Ive seen two films by Boll recently Rampage and 1968 Tunnel Rats which were actually pretty good, saw the trailer for stoic like a year ago though and wasnt really interested then I am now though
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Comment by DarkProphet94 on May 12, 2010 at 3:47pm -
i feel so sorry for you right now, Cyrus. its a damn shame that Uwe Boll keeps makin these movies just to shank money out of unsuspecting moviegoers, yet Ed Wood (someone who actually gave two shits about his work) died penniless and forgotten.
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Comment by iggy456 on May 12, 2010 at 3:42pm -
This movie will make kill yourself.
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