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Cyrus Says This is One "Train" You'll Want to Miss
“Train”
Eastern Europeans have their own health care system according to this movie...dumb American tourists. Taking the “Hostel” train to the next scheduled stop, this “Train” stars actress Thora Birch, looking like she’s lost in pondering how her career got to this point after being in “American Beauty” and “Ghost World”. How, indeed?
Five Americans in Europe on a traveling wrestling team miss their train to the next match in Odessa. Their furious coach, who has stayed behind waiting for them, meets an ice-cold beauty who suggests they join her on another train that stops off where they’re going. And then everyone gets there and the USA wins the match after a music-set montage training sequence and everyone is happy, the end.
I wish.
Instead we’ve got the urban legend express, a train that picks up near-retarded tourists and extracts their body parts as painfully as possible in less than hygienic conditions for those who can afford to pay for them. One by one the team gets picked off and brought into the back car for organ removal until Birch turns into a lethargic Sara Connor, toughing it up for a revenge.
Bloody isn’t enough anymore. It really isn’t. Sure, “Train” is absolutely dripping with the red stuff, apparently even when cut down from the theatrical NC-17 to an R it is still worthy of activating one's gag reflex. But then again, who cares because its all predicable as can be and totally dull. I never thought I'd yawn while watching a Romanian Gunnar Hansen look-a-like gut frat boys, but there you are. "Train" doesn't commit the cardinal horror sin of making its entire cast of victims unlikable jag-offs like so many other horror movies do, there’s not much to say about them either. To say they're cyphers gives their character detail too much credit. At best, they're Everytourist (tm) and we've seen them all too many times before. Even Birch looks like she can barely wake up enough to give two craps. It picks up a bit towards the end once we finally get to some proper revenge but it's hardly substantial or satisfying enough to be worth wading through the rest of the film for. “Train” is one to SKIP.
Click Here to Buy Train
Comment
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Comment by Señor Chaken on December 11, 2009 at 8:37pm -
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Comment by C.H. Gorog on December 6, 2009 at 9:56pm -
It seems like the movie proves the old adage: Unlike environmental documentaries, you can't improve a bad horror movie with heaping helpings of Gore.
...
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Comment by Craig on December 3, 2009 at 9:06am -
Its like I always say, you can't throw a whole bunch of blood and body parts on the screen and expect to scare me. Too many horror films have done that in the past thirty years and say what you want a majority of them suck (with the exceptions or REC, Quarentine, Predator, Alien, The Thing, Scilence of the Lambs, and 30 Days of Night) all they're trying to do is tickle my gag reflex.
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Comment by Shinigami64 on December 3, 2009 at 12:06am -
Hey Thora Birch! I remember when you used to be in real movies...oh well. Say hi to Michael Ironsides for me...
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Comment by doomsday on December 2, 2009 at 10:16pm -
ya i agree watching real wrestling is not to fun to watch but its fun to do like mma some people love to watch it but u could never get them to take classes for it .. and than u get some people who think its gay well if a good boxer ever comes at u ur not going to stand with him ur going to take his ass to the ground :) ........ o ya this movie sucks!!
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Comment by Cyrus on December 2, 2009 at 9:41pm
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This is boring ass school style wrestling. No chairs being broken or flying whatthehellevers.
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Comment by Lab Rat on December 2, 2009 at 9:10pm -
First, is there any actual wrestling by this wrestling team? Second, if there is wrestling, does it involve jello or oil?
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Comment by Lord of Winterfell on December 2, 2009 at 8:10pm
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Train? Could they be any less creative?
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Hey, they make us do that. It's the biz.
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Comment by Vortex Orange on December 2, 2009 at 6:24pm -
LOL I know right.
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