Cyrus Reviews "Kung-Fu Panda" and "Secrets of the Furious Five"

Let me apologize for the length of this one...I'm actually reviewing two different DVDs here so thus the lengthy review...

Jack Black worked for a long time to get where he is now and kudos to him: he’s a funny guy. Roles like his arrogant record store clerk in “High Fidelity” endeared him to audiences looking for a new comic talent and he even gained hipster cred as the front man for “The Greatest Band in the World” Tenacious D. The problem was, Black didn’t really have a lot of range. Not that some directors didn’t try to let him try to stretch (“King Kong”, “The Holiday”) but the cock-sure fat guy roles seemed to be the ones that stuck. And stuck. And started to stink. I’ve been a big fan of his for years but even I was starting to say, “Geez, enough already.”

Thankfully, Jack got two in a row right this year, and arguably they’re his two best films altogether. While you all (hopefully) saw “Tropic Thunder” and are all too aware of how frelling hysterical and brilliant that ended up being, too many missed Dreamworks animation’s “Kung Fu Panda” with Black in the lead character role of Po the Panda. I’ll admit that the title doesn’t exactly cause grown men to go rushing out to the theater, wallets in hand screaming “Yes, Yes, I’ll pay anything, I MUST see this film!” However, I gotta tell ya, I’d be real sad if I saw this for the first time on DVD. I would have said, “Damn, I should have listened to Spill.” Yes, You should have.

I may have only liked about half the films that have come out of the Dreamworks CG department but this is their crown jewel and possibly the only one I’d put on a tier with the best stuff from Pixar. Not only are the characters endearing and the comedy (mostly) quite funny, but the kung-fu...frak yeah! The Furious Five is Tigress (Angelina Jolie), Monkey (Jackie Chan), Mantis (Seth Rogen), Viper (Lucy Liu) and Crane (David Cross), and when they fight in their “animal styles” versus the evil (yet pleasantly fuzzy) Tai Lung (played to snarly perfection by Ian McShane) you can’t take your eyes off the screen. A lot of work went into making this exciting and it shows. Can you imagine being the animator who got told “We need you to make cute stuffed animals fighting kung-fu but make it bad-ass.” I’d go home and hang myself but their team practically have invented a new genre here. One I’m sure that I’ll be sick to death of eventually but for now...wow. Major, major kudos for a job well done.

The extras on the disk naturally skew more towards children than adults, which is the case 90% of the time with animated films, but I’m gonna go through it all anyways for youse guyse because I love ya…

“Meet the Cast”

This is a 13 minute featurette that takes advantage of whatever camera time they could get with the big names in the film in the recording studio. While it’s not the funniest thing you’ve ever seen, I wasn’t bored. No big surprises here though.

“Pushing the Boundaries”

Was it hard animating these guys doing kung-fu? Yes, gorramit, it was hard as frak and here’s where you get to watch the nerds behind the scenes mop the sweat off their furrowed brows. Take a break and drink an imported beer, dorks, you’ve earned it.

“Sound Design”

Really? Sound Design? Young children LOVE this stuff. Ooh, I hope we get a chapter on the lighting department. But actually, in THIS particular animated film, sound is pretty essential. All that impossibly fast fighting and destruction mixed with cute creatures and goofy situations all adds up to one thing = an exhausted Foley department. Seeing one of the team do an effect by popping a plunger off his bald head is worth the price of the entire disk. And these are the same guys who did the Lord of the Rings Films. Must be nice.

“Kung-Fu Fighting Music Video by Cee-Lo Green”

EEK! Oh My FSM did I hate this re-worked version of the song “Kung-Fu Fighting” that played at the end of the movie. I hate even more watching the video. He better have needed an operation for his grandmother or something.

“Mr. Ping’s Noodle House”

That dude Alton Brown from the Food Network narrates as an Asian chef turns a flipping huge ball of dough into all the noodles in the world. It sounds meh but it’s full of win. Hypnotizing. Seems kind of desperate to fill up space to put it here, sure, but it’s like watching a really good magician (which many of you who grew up with David Blaine and Criss Angel may not be familiar with).

“How to Use Chopsticks”

What was I just saying about desperate to fill up space? Yeah. Plus, I have a fork so matter settled.

“Conservation International: Help Save Wild Pandas”

Jack Black briefly explains that actual pandas are dying out and god is crying and it’s PROBABLY BECAUSE OF SOMETHING YOU DID….

…

No, but seriously, save the pandas.

“Dragon Warrior Training Academy”

A mini-game? On a DVD? What will they think of next? Maybe someday, someone will invent a mini-game on a DVD that someone with an IQ over 6 would enjoy playing.

“Printables by Weblinks”

Ooh, online extras for my computer and oh no, I use a Macintosh so I can’t access these features on pretty much any DVD. Don’t creative people generally use Macs? What the hell is up with that anyway? And no, I’m not going to install Windows on my Mac anymore than I’m going to pierce my scrotum with metal rods. I don’t care WHO says it makes some things better, common sense would seem to dictate otherwise.

“Dreamworks Animation Video Jukebox”

This is the one that I’ve got to apologize to the parents for right now. It’s a revolving jukebox of songs from the various Dreamworks animated films. This will be your unending nightmare for months and months. And just when you think it’s over, that they’re old enough to lose interest, you’ll hear those fatal words, “Dad/Mom, can you take me to see the premiere of High School Musical 7?” Brrr.

And that’s the whole shebang. A mixed bag, to be sure, but one that's...wait, what? Um, it came packaged with a whole ‘nother disk? *checks watch* But I really had to go...um...do anything else...oh hell…

“Secrets of the Furious Five”

Yes, an entire disk of more extras for sale now. You know they’re going to keep tugging on your pants leg until you buy it anyways so you might as well buy the lot and save a few bucks. Maybe it will reduce the amount of times you’ll have to suffer through the video jukebox. Ha ha, no, probably not.

What we’ve got here is a 25 minute special featuring a theatrical CG-quality story of Po teaching a class of young bunnehs (now the official spelling of bunnies at Spill.com) a series of fables representing the tenets of Kung-Fu using stories from the lives of each of the Furious Five as examples. Oh, but only the short bits with Po are CG quality. The rest are like that dream intro from the movie. Sort of a paper cut-outs type of dealio. Not to say that it's bad, but don’t be expecting the kind of high-quality animation the movie presented.

The story is a ‘nice’ one and I mean that in the way that I approve of the message for the kids (which I'm sure means a whole lot coming from a barely past virginal 38 year old with no interest in furthering the family line) but it’s not all that funny. Entertaining enough to watch once as an adult I suppose but eminently forgettable. They didn’t make it for me. But hey, they pack it with more extras so lucky me!

*sigh*

“Po’s Power Play”

Three different sections here. First is “Learn to Draw” where you can click on each of the characters and an animator shows you how to draw each one. Kind of cool for the slightly older young’uns who might be showing an interest in animation/art. In the future Comic books and animation will rule all of civilization and the creators of the art will be the leaders of all. So, you might want to take your kid off of the football team and put 'em into art class now. Just saying.

Next up is “Dumpling Shuffle”...mini game that at best will get even the MOST focused child off your back for three minutes or so. But what a placid and idyllic three minutes they will be.

Last is “Pandemonium Activity Kit” which is more stuff I couldn’t look at because I use the better computer. If you think I’m wrong it’s only because you’ve never owned a new Mac and you don’t know any better. I used to be one of you. I know.

“The Land of Panda”

Oh for the love of…

Another bunch of stuff crammed under one title. Ok, first is the marvelous “Learn the Panda Dance” which is the choreographer from “Step Up 2 the Streets” teaching you the dance from the movie (?) with the teen back-up dancers from United Colors of Benetton: The Musical while being all gangsta thug-life Disney channel version of south central. Yes, I can hardly wait to finish writing this so I can go and watch this again and again. How I adore you HiHat. Teach me more slick Kung-Fu dance moves, please, that in a way, demean an entire rich history of learning and culture. And then permit me to die.

Next we’ve got “Do You Kung-Fu?” where we’re back to the character select but now it leads to watching kids do some movements in the actual animal styles (although I’m pretty sure there is no Panda style, but whatever).

Moving on, we’ve got “Inside the Chinese Zodiac” with an entire new selection of astrological bullshit to fill your kid’s heads with. Hooray! It kind of sounds like science. Okay, actually it doesn’t.

You’ve GOT to watch “Animals of Kung-Fu Panda” which is not as bad as my sarcastic opening would seem to indicate. It’s a very brief look at each animal style in actual Kung-Fu and how they were influenced by the creatures they were respectively named after. I would have enjoyed a much longer section on this, but I’m a bit of a nut for this stuff.

“What Fighting Style are You” is the inevitable pointless quiz thing that ends up on so many of these. Really, there’s nothing better you could fill up the space with? Maybe I’m just bitter because I’m one of the only poor schmucks who actually has to look at them.

And then, finally, it’s over. It is over, right? No hidden third disk with Dustin Hoffman’s character Master Shifu explaining how soy sauce is made or Dan Fogler performing Panda moves on an Angelina Jolie blow-up doll? I’m almost relieved. But please, no matter how much fun I’m having at the expense of the bonus features, don’t disregard the film itself. “Kung-Fu Panda” is almost certainly going to end up in my top ten movies of the year and may be in my top ten animated films of all time. I know I’m already a sucker for this, being a big fan of the old chop-sockies, but the film has been made with such care that it should charm pretty much everyone. Except for the first douchebag to comment about how I’m wrong and this film sucks. Your Mom is sleeping with that dick head who beats you up at school. Seriously. And she didn’t want to tell you but you’re borderline autistic. Sorry about that. Don’t worry about it, just go watch “The Clone Wars” again and chill out.


Click Here to Buy ""Kung Fu Panda Two - Pack (Kung Fu Panda Widescreen Edition + Secre...