I know it makes me a non-entity in horror buff eyes but I gotta admit: I never saw "My Bloody Valentine". I know, I know. You woulda thought the powers that be sending me a copy of this fancy new re-release of the original film would be the perfect opportunity to finally do right by this supposed minor classic. But no. I couldn't bring myself to even break the seal before handing it off to Jason to review. Finally, I can give him something he actually WANTS instead of the usual armload of crap with Armand Assante in them. So check out his review here and make him feel actualized...

My Bloody Valentine



Say it again - My. Bloody. Valentine. That's a great start, right? I just love the title. You know what's even better? This:

Compare it to this:

Sure, the image of this re-release isn't terribly offensive, but it's certainly one that would blend with every other sub-par horror movie on the shelf. The original image and title combo grabbed my pre-adolescent imagination by the jugular and helped the film take up residence in Midian, where all of the creepy slasher films go to lurk and fester as their legend grows. This one never quite moved on up to the East Side with Freddy and Jason, but sits comfortably with April Fool's Day, Terror Train, and The Burning.

This new release is a real treat for horror fans. Until now, the only version available or seen by the public was a eunuch of a film, one with much of the gore ripped out of it. What's the point of a slasher with the gore cut out? It's like drinking non-alcoholic beer. This new cut is like finally getting to see the hottest girl in school naked 27 years after you almost caught a glimpse of her breasts (and she looks better than ever). Couple that with the fact that this print is amazingly clear, then you've got something that easily goes head-to-head with any other slasher flick of the last 3 decades.

The story is standard enough. After a clever opening that immediately surprises you, we're introduced to Valentine's Bluff, a mining town with a horrible past. Years ago, a bunch of folks got chopped up on Valentine's Day. Now, decades later, they're going to try to have another go at it and hope people don't get butchered by some bogeyman with a gimmick. The gimmick in this one spawned from the bowels of the old mine, an element torn straight from an episode of Scooby Doo. Still, this grimy little burg and it's blue collar lemmings stand out from the usual assortment of campers, sorority girls, and road-tripping dropouts, even if they're all reading from the same slasher-movie playbook. This one has all the good stuff you're used to: shots from the killer's POV, a murderer with a tragic past, false scares, campy kills, and a bunch of post-teens you really want to see get axed. They all laugh and scoff at the legends, drink and fornicate, then die horribly. Death by nail gun. Death by pick axe. Death by laundry dryer. Death by boiling hot dogs! This one's got it all.


SPECIAL FEATURES:

Bloodlust: My Bloody Valentine and the Rise of the Slasher Film This one started off great, with some uber-nerd who has seen way too many stabby films. He's not the kind of guy you'd want to be cornered by at a party. After a somewhat academic post mortem of the genre, this featurette becomes more 'MBV' and less 'Rise of the Slasher'. Then it descends into nothing more than promotional material for the remake.

Deleted Scenes
Longer, slightly varied versions of what's already in the film. Nothing remarkable here.

Bloodlines: An Interactive Horror Film History
This little 'family tree' style dissection breaks the slasher genre up into all of it's sub-camps: Rape/Revenge, Post Modern, New Wave, Classic, etc. Any horror fan will pour over every word. A nice touch that betrays a definite love of the form.

'My Bloody Valentine' is a quintessential 80's slasher. It's one of those video covers you always eyed as they sat on the grease-soaked shelves of your local convenience store. It's never really very scary, but it has a consistent style and enough gore to keep you satisfied from one kill to the next. I'm still a little surprised there wasn't a franchise of laughable sequels. Then again, I can't imagine they'd be able to top someone getting boiled to death in a pot of hot dogs.

Click Here to Buy My Bloody Valentine