If it's crap... We'll tell you

Cyrus Presents Jason's Review for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

What can I say? If even Jason sees the light on this one, the one guy I actually call a friend who is still willing to defend the prequels, if even HE says this about The Clone Wars...well...case frelling closed.

Dear George,

This isn't an easy letter to write. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . I could count on you. We've spent a lot of time together, you and I. It was special. I still have that box of toys. I still have the posters. I had an original Death Star toy from 1977. I watched every episode of 'Droids'. I read 'Splinter of the Mind's Eye'. I saw 'The Phantom Menace' twice in the theaters. Bought it on both VHS and DVD. For years, I've played the games, like Super Bombad Racing and that abominable thing on the original Nintendo. George, I even have a Jar Jar action figure. Do you realize what that's like? That's like carrying around a six inch figurine of the asshat that used to pick on me in junior high. But I still bought it. When I turned 18, I almost got a tattoo of a Stormtrooper, but then I realized only pasty mongoloids who replace social skills with delusions of grandeur do dumb shit like that. Still, I've spent enough money throughout my life to keep the lights on at Skywalker Ranch for at least a year. I probably paid Sam Jackson's salary. Listen to the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. I'm always defending you, but you're making it hard, George. You're making it so hard for me.

And now this. I skipped 'The Clone Wars' in the theater. It's the first feature length Star Wars film I didn't see in the theater. After hearing all of those things people said about you, I wanted them to be wrong, but I was so afraid they'd be right. So I let my expectations drop. I know. It was a shitty thing to do. I always give you the benefit of the doubt, but I was hoping that I would go into it expecting the worst, and be pleasantly surprised.

I was surprised, all right. It was a great start. Giving a synopsis of the largely indecipherable story arc from the prequels in the form of a World War II news reel was clever and charming. Then you lured me in with dazzling, stylized CGI. For the first 8 minutes, you had me. Then that prostitute from 'That's So Raven' showed up, Ahsoka, the girl who's going to fight the Separatist army with the power of sass. I didn't just dislike her, George. I wanted her to be sodomized by the Sarlacc. After listening to her perky impertinence for 30 minutes, it would have been perfectly acceptable for Anakin to say, "Listen, just shut the fuck up, okay? ESS. TEE. EFF. UUU. Do you know who I am? I know I'm an annoying piece of shit right now, but in a few years, I'm going to be Darth Goddamn Vader. Next to Lando, I'll be the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy, so I don't need you giving me this Hannah Montana act. Cunt."

Really, it couldn't have been any worse if she had pulled out her pink Ipod Nano and started singing along to the Space Jonas Brothers.

Your fascination with vaudevillian robot humor has got to stop, too. It's no funnier than Bumblebee pissing on John Turturro. Are galactic civil wars leading up to Jedi extermination really that wacky? And a baby Hutt? Named Stinky? Really? And Capote the Hutt? George, it's shit like this that really makes me wonder if you're just a spiteful sonofabitch at heart. Do you hate me? After 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull', I'm beginning to think you have a 15 year plan to destroy everything good in my life. All that's left for you to ruin is Spider-Man and Huey Lewis and the News. And Quesada already took care of that first one.

You even dolled this DVD up with bells and whistles, but all it did was serve to pull back the curtain on the great and terrible Oz.
-There's a commentary track there from people who did not shape my childhood and will not play a part in shaping anyone else's. It should have been guys named Gary Kurtz and Ralph McQuarrie.
-A digital copy of the film. As if I needed two of this damned thing.
-Previews for the upcoming series. Upcoming series? Of this? You . . . you whore!
-"The Voices of the Clone Wars". What? No Ewan or Hayden? I guess they're not returning your calls any more.
-Crafting a new Star Wars theme song with a guy whose name is not John Williams.
-"Gallery of Concept and Production Art". As long as it's all pretty, right George?
-Deleted scenes. Be honest. You're going to recycle these for the series, aren't you?

I can't defend you forever, George. I'm running out of excuses. It's not me. It's you. This Halloween, so many kids came to my door dressed up like Clone Troopers. I wish I could stop them, now. I wish I could go back and say, "No! This isn't what it's like! It's not padawans and goofy robots and midichlorians! It wasn't supposed to happen this way!"
George, I dreamed of the clone wars for over 25 years. Now, if I could take you to court for custody of the franchise, I would. I would do it, George. As your new little bitch said, "Being a padawan is harder than I thought."

Really? Try being a Star Wars fan.

Click Here to Buy "Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2 Disc Special Edition)"

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Comment by Azteca on November 18, 2008 at 7:38pm: I snuck in a few cans of PBR tallboys when I went to the premiere and good gawd! I wished I bought in a case just so I can tolerate the ridiculous banter.

I hope Lucas can add in Asoka's demise in a future special edition of episode 3 and may it be slow and painful to make it up to us.

Comment by Spider-Geek on November 18, 2008 at 7:25pm: Good review Jason, sorry that you seem to really think this is WORSE than Phantom Menace. I, however, did like this better than the first two prequels. I too, found Ahsoka's nicknames and teenage sass annoying, but then i realized she reminds me of my sister (sassy and annoying but she's got her cool moments). I also recommend you see the TV series (though i'm skipping this week's though it might make you happy...Jar Jar to Padme's rescue). Anyways, I enjoyed the movie because it had good action, cool lightsaber scenes and a good addition to the Star Wars cannon. Oh, and the droid army's stupid jokes? in my opinion, why not have stupid droids serving the bad guys? Evil always looses and it's always funny to see Dooku or Grevious whack their heads off.

Comment by AT-man on November 18, 2008 at 7:17pm: fuckin fantastic piece. jason, you are a genius. thanks for the entertaining read...and I cannot help but agree with you; Star Wars has truly gone down to shitsville.

Comment by Chillax on November 18, 2008 at 6:49pm: Good Review / Rant. I never seen the Clone Wars movie but i did see a couple of episodes of the TV series. Too kid-friendly for my taste.

Comment by DonTerrifico on November 18, 2008 at 6:35pm: As your new little bitch said, "Being a padawan is harder than I thought."

Really? Try being a Star Wars fan.

lol classic, i'm done with star wars havent seen this one yet but enough is enough

Comment by Dr. Detfink on November 18, 2008 at 6:31pm: With Star Trek being completely re-vamped, I've given into the notion that every thing in my childhood is going to be re-done for a new generation without half the appreciation of how ground breaking Star Wars (original trilogy) was.

Once you get over that, you realize it's time to move on in Star Wars. The Clone Wars lore is mostly a business venture to capitalize not just on toys but animation technique, art style, and it's a less costly venture than live action.

Of course Lucas doesn't give a shit what goes on in the Clone Wars 3-D animation. Why would he, the saga was written and done with. He pretty much has made sure the animators confine to these guide lines and then let's them do whatever he wants so long as he's making money.

Comment by Michael on November 18, 2008 at 5:56pm: That's it I'm typing my Star Wars Rant

Comment by PREÐATOR on November 18, 2008 at 5:55pm: "I almost got a tattoo of a Stormtrooper, but then I realized only pasty mongoloids who replace social skills with delusions of grandeur do dumb shit like that."

... *cough*Kent*cough*...