If it's crap... We'll tell you

Cyrus Presents Jason's Review for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"

What can I say? If even Jason sees the light on this one, the one guy I actually call a friend who is still willing to defend the prequels, if even HE says this about The Clone Wars...well...case frelling closed.

Dear George,

This isn't an easy letter to write. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . I could count on you. We've spent a lot of time together, you and I. It was special. I still have that box of toys. I still have the posters. I had an original Death Star toy from 1977. I watched every episode of 'Droids'. I read 'Splinter of the Mind's Eye'. I saw 'The Phantom Menace' twice in the theaters. Bought it on both VHS and DVD. For years, I've played the games, like Super Bombad Racing and that abominable thing on the original Nintendo. George, I even have a Jar Jar action figure. Do you realize what that's like? That's like carrying around a six inch figurine of the asshat that used to pick on me in junior high. But I still bought it. When I turned 18, I almost got a tattoo of a Stormtrooper, but then I realized only pasty mongoloids who replace social skills with delusions of grandeur do dumb shit like that. Still, I've spent enough money throughout my life to keep the lights on at Skywalker Ranch for at least a year. I probably paid Sam Jackson's salary. Listen to the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. I'm always defending you, but you're making it hard, George. You're making it so hard for me.

And now this. I skipped 'The Clone Wars' in the theater. It's the first feature length Star Wars film I didn't see in the theater. After hearing all of those things people said about you, I wanted them to be wrong, but I was so afraid they'd be right. So I let my expectations drop. I know. It was a shitty thing to do. I always give you the benefit of the doubt, but I was hoping that I would go into it expecting the worst, and be pleasantly surprised.

I was surprised, all right. It was a great start. Giving a synopsis of the largely indecipherable story arc from the prequels in the form of a World War II news reel was clever and charming. Then you lured me in with dazzling, stylized CGI. For the first 8 minutes, you had me. Then that prostitute from 'That's So Raven' showed up, Ahsoka, the girl who's going to fight the Separatist army with the power of sass. I didn't just dislike her, George. I wanted her to be sodomized by the Sarlacc. After listening to her perky impertinence for 30 minutes, it would have been perfectly acceptable for Anakin to say, "Listen, just shut the fuck up, okay? ESS. TEE. EFF. UUU. Do you know who I am? I know I'm an annoying piece of shit right now, but in a few years, I'm going to be Darth Goddamn Vader. Next to Lando, I'll be the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy, so I don't need you giving me this Hannah Montana act. Cunt."

Really, it couldn't have been any worse if she had pulled out her pink Ipod Nano and started singing along to the Space Jonas Brothers.

Your fascination with vaudevillian robot humor has got to stop, too. It's no funnier than Bumblebee pissing on John Turturro. Are galactic civil wars leading up to Jedi extermination really that wacky? And a baby Hutt? Named Stinky? Really? And Capote the Hutt? George, it's shit like this that really makes me wonder if you're just a spiteful sonofabitch at heart. Do you hate me? After 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull', I'm beginning to think you have a 15 year plan to destroy everything good in my life. All that's left for you to ruin is Spider-Man and Huey Lewis and the News. And Quesada already took care of that first one.

You even dolled this DVD up with bells and whistles, but all it did was serve to pull back the curtain on the great and terrible Oz.
-There's a commentary track there from people who did not shape my childhood and will not play a part in shaping anyone else's. It should have been guys named Gary Kurtz and Ralph McQuarrie.
-A digital copy of the film. As if I needed two of this damned thing.
-Previews for the upcoming series. Upcoming series? Of this? You . . . you whore!
-"The Voices of the Clone Wars". What? No Ewan or Hayden? I guess they're not returning your calls any more.
-Crafting a new Star Wars theme song with a guy whose name is not John Williams.
-"Gallery of Concept and Production Art". As long as it's all pretty, right George?
-Deleted scenes. Be honest. You're going to recycle these for the series, aren't you?

I can't defend you forever, George. I'm running out of excuses. It's not me. It's you. This Halloween, so many kids came to my door dressed up like Clone Troopers. I wish I could stop them, now. I wish I could go back and say, "No! This isn't what it's like! It's not padawans and goofy robots and midichlorians! It wasn't supposed to happen this way!"
George, I dreamed of the clone wars for over 25 years. Now, if I could take you to court for custody of the franchise, I would. I would do it, George. As your new little bitch said, "Being a padawan is harder than I thought."

Really? Try being a Star Wars fan.

Click Here to Buy "Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2 Disc Special Edition)"

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Comment by CodyMal on November 19, 2008 at 3:38pm: I laughed so hard at this. This may be the best review of anything ever. Seriously. Milk, nose.... you get the idea.

Comment by Scott_PJ on November 19, 2008 at 9:33am: Great job on the review Jason. A true fan knows when something feels off.

Comment by Ant on November 19, 2008 at 9:09am: I feel like the 2003 clone wars gave me hope, like those guys got what star wars should be. Lucas just needs to stop and write stories while someone who cares about star was directs them.

Comment by Clown Baby on November 19, 2008 at 8:09am: "I dreamed of the clone wars for over 25 years. Now, if I could take you to court for custody of the franchise, I would."

Oh my god, that should be the premiss of FAN BOYS 2!

Comment by Xorn on November 19, 2008 at 1:59am: ALL HAIL STAR WARS

Comment by linksavetheday89 on November 18, 2008 at 11:17pm: rookies was a great episode! Kent

Comment by GreyFox785 on November 18, 2008 at 10:16pm: Lets see, a cartoon series set in the same time period back in 2003 called Star Wars: Clone Wars, got big reviews and was retcon'd. Why? To make room for this piece of crap... What was it called, Star Wars: THE Clone Wars. You couldn't possibly get them confused with one another, I mean the titles are completely different. Oh, and in Clone Wars, just Clone Wars, Grievus wasn't a fucking pussy! He killed two or three Jedi by himself, with his hands and feet, then you discover he can use lightsabers, then holy fuck, he can use four at the same time! When he faced off with Obiwan in Revenge of the Sith I was completely disappointed, all he did was spin his light sabers around and get his hands cut off, awkwardly I might add. Maybe Lucas should just hand the reins over to the fans, because clearly he's lost his glasses and this carridge is out of control and headed for ravine filled with dancing radioactive aligators. George, you've officially ironed the baby.

Comment by THE MILKMAN? on November 18, 2008 at 9:52pm: The best part is the end. Click here to by Star Wars: The Clone Wars. What a joke!

Comment by Trent on November 18, 2008 at 9:32pm: people don't understand ,Lucas does'nt give a shit anymore if he can make more money shoving mediorcre shit down little kids throats instead of makeing a probably epic space flick that did'nt die in 1999 than i would have some respect for him but Lucas is to sci fi what P-diddy is to hip hop.......a constant sellout

Comment by MavenCree on November 18, 2008 at 9:23pm: First time I saw the trailer for this in the theatre, my first words to my best friend next to me, who is also a Star Wars nut, was: "Sigh. Okay. I'm Done with Lucas."

Thanks for the letter. You've pretty much said it all.