If it's crap... We'll tell you
Cyrus Presents Jason's Review for "Star Wars: The Clone Wars"
What can I say? If even Jason sees the light on this one, the one guy I actually call a friend who is still willing to defend the prequels, if even HE says this about The Clone Wars...well...case frelling closed.
Dear George,
This isn't an easy letter to write. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away . . . I could count on you. We've spent a lot of time together, you and I. It was special. I still have that box of toys. I still have the posters. I had an original Death Star toy from 1977. I watched every episode of 'Droids'. I read 'Splinter of the Mind's Eye'. I saw 'The Phantom Menace' twice in the theaters. Bought it on both VHS and DVD. For years, I've played the games, like Super Bombad Racing and that abominable thing on the original Nintendo. George, I even have a Jar Jar action figure. Do you realize what that's like? That's like carrying around a six inch figurine of the asshat that used to pick on me in junior high. But I still bought it. When I turned 18, I almost got a tattoo of a Stormtrooper, but then I realized only pasty mongoloids who replace social skills with delusions of grandeur do dumb shit like that. Still, I've spent enough money throughout my life to keep the lights on at Skywalker Ranch for at least a year. I probably paid Sam Jackson's salary. Listen to the League of Extremely Ordinary Gentlemen. I'm always defending you, but you're making it hard, George. You're making it so hard for me.
And now this. I skipped 'The Clone Wars' in the theater. It's the first feature length Star Wars film I didn't see in the theater. After hearing all of those things people said about you, I wanted them to be wrong, but I was so afraid they'd be right. So I let my expectations drop. I know. It was a shitty thing to do. I always give you the benefit of the doubt, but I was hoping that I would go into it expecting the worst, and be pleasantly surprised.
I was surprised, all right. It was a great start. Giving a synopsis of the largely indecipherable story arc from the prequels in the form of a World War II news reel was clever and charming. Then you lured me in with dazzling, stylized CGI. For the first 8 minutes, you had me. Then that prostitute from 'That's So Raven' showed up, Ahsoka, the girl who's going to fight the Separatist army with the power of sass. I didn't just dislike her, George. I wanted her to be sodomized by the Sarlacc. After listening to her perky impertinence for 30 minutes, it would have been perfectly acceptable for Anakin to say, "Listen, just shut the fuck up, okay? ESS. TEE. EFF. UUU. Do you know who I am? I know I'm an annoying piece of shit right now, but in a few years, I'm going to be Darth Goddamn Vader. Next to Lando, I'll be the baddest motherfucker in the galaxy, so I don't need you giving me this Hannah Montana act. Cunt."
Really, it couldn't have been any worse if she had pulled out her pink Ipod Nano and started singing along to the Space Jonas Brothers.
Your fascination with vaudevillian robot humor has got to stop, too. It's no funnier than Bumblebee pissing on John Turturro. Are galactic civil wars leading up to Jedi extermination really that wacky? And a baby Hutt? Named Stinky? Really? And Capote the Hutt? George, it's shit like this that really makes me wonder if you're just a spiteful sonofabitch at heart. Do you hate me? After 'Kingdom of the Crystal Skull', I'm beginning to think you have a 15 year plan to destroy everything good in my life. All that's left for you to ruin is Spider-Man and Huey Lewis and the News. And Quesada already took care of that first one.
You even dolled this DVD up with bells and whistles, but all it did was serve to pull back the curtain on the great and terrible Oz.
-There's a commentary track there from people who did not shape my childhood and will not play a part in shaping anyone else's. It should have been guys named Gary Kurtz and Ralph McQuarrie.
-A digital copy of the film. As if I needed two of this damned thing.
-Previews for the upcoming series. Upcoming series? Of this? You . . . you whore!
-"The Voices of the Clone Wars". What? No Ewan or Hayden? I guess they're not returning your calls any more.
-Crafting a new Star Wars theme song with a guy whose name is not John Williams.
-"Gallery of Concept and Production Art". As long as it's all pretty, right George?
-Deleted scenes. Be honest. You're going to recycle these for the series, aren't you?
I can't defend you forever, George. I'm running out of excuses. It's not me. It's you. This Halloween, so many kids came to my door dressed up like Clone Troopers. I wish I could stop them, now. I wish I could go back and say, "No! This isn't what it's like! It's not padawans and goofy robots and midichlorians! It wasn't supposed to happen this way!"
George, I dreamed of the clone wars for over 25 years. Now, if I could take you to court for custody of the franchise, I would. I would do it, George. As your new little bitch said, "Being a padawan is harder than I thought."
Really? Try being a Star Wars fan.
Click Here to Buy "Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2 Disc Special Edition)"
Add a Comment
40 Comments
-
Comment by Zero on November 20, 2008 at 1:25pm - Ghostwriter, you should probably keep your friend away from those teen magazines. kidding :D
-
Comment by ghostwriter on November 20, 2008 at 5:34am -
Jason, print your "letter" and send it to Lucas.....seriously! Someone has got to knock it into his head what he's done to us. I didn't even bother with this, but a guy I work with who's a stone hard SW fan said he liked it and liked Ahsoka!
Seriously, mail him a copy....maybe he'll read it, probably won't...then, maybe, just maybe the dawn of a new era will begin....George will hold your letter high and proclaim to the Universe, "I have seen the error of my ways! I shall go forth, a kinder, gentler George Lucas who will give a damn about my fans!"
Huzzar!
-
Comment by Draco on November 20, 2008 at 12:27am - I despise , I can't wait for Anakin to angrily turn around and bitch slap her! "Who's the master b&^%#!!!!!!!!"
-
Comment by BladeRunner007 on November 20, 2008 at 12:05am - Jason, I agree with everything you said. But, the movie for me was okay!
-
Comment by PoopaPapaPalpatine on November 19, 2008 at 11:32pm - Also, I despise Ahsoka.
-
Comment by PoopaPapaPalpatine on November 19, 2008 at 11:30pm
-
..."No! This isn't what it's like! It's not padawans and goofy robots and midichlorians! It wasn't supposed to happen this way!"...
No. No different! Only different in your mind. You must unlearn what you have learned, Jason. Hear you nothing that I say?
Always in motion the future is, Jason. No one can see what's coming. The Prequels and the Clone Wars series aren't meant for fans like us [OT fans]. This is for the new generation of STAR WARS fans. This is the equivalent of Droids or Ewoks to them...
...and they are just as canon. *wink*
If you don't believe me,
That is why you fail.
-
Comment by Zero on November 19, 2008 at 6:15pm
- "Ahsoka, the girl who's going to fight the Separatist army with the power of sass." Hahahaha! That was awesome Jason! :D
-
Comment by Rolland on November 19, 2008 at 4:01pm - The series isn't as bad as the movie though.
-
Comment by Liam T on November 19, 2008 at 4:01pm - We all know. We cannot hold on to the notion of a perfect franchise. We will forever be fucked by the long dick of Hollywood...
-
Comment by Muffin-Of-Doom on November 19, 2008 at 3:45pm - Can I hug you?
Share This!
Latest Activity
So Morgan Freeman is gonna marry is 27 yr-old step-granddaughter. Talk about keeping it in the family
I'm hopefully watching this after, but can you tell me....
ickt tha films godch or utern shitern?
The Austin Spill Party 2009 is coming along nicely. I've already got a few things in the works. Now all I need is an idea about how many people will be there.
Music
© 2009 Created by The Spill Crew
You need to be a member of The Spill.com Movie Community to add comments!
Join this social network