Cyrus Presents Jason's Review of the Fancy New "Friday the 13th" 1-3 Re-Releases

I was looking forward to getting these so I could watch the expression of unholy joy creep across Jason's face when I put them into his hands. Honestly, it was the oddest combination of heartwarming and incredible creepy that you could possibly imagine. Any big surprise that JASON is a big fan of this series? Enough from me. Time to hear from the expert...

All hail the king! Jason Voorhees is synonymous with horror. His presence goes hand in hand with camping, sex, and murder, and for that, we should genuflect before the hockey mask. He has more faces than Madonna – disfigured hillbilly, super-zombie, cyborg – and is as iconic as Dracula. If I ever go berserk, I’ll damn well be carrying a machete. The music still sets off a Pavlovian response and gets me all giddy with anticipation. The guy practically invented creative deaths and elevated it to an art form. While Freddy may be the Dali of murderers, Jason is the Da Vinci.

No, strike that. He’s the MacGyver of murder. He can kill you with anything. I think it was part 5 where he offed a guy with a party favor. Google yourself a list of Jason’s kills. You’ll be astounded. He may have been a mongoloid with questionable hygiene, but I think there’s an idiot savant lurking behind that gruesome face.

Friday the 13th (Blu Ray)

Let’s get this out of the way. Friday the 13th was a rip-off of Halloween. That’s it. Nothing more. The creators even admit as much. Fine. But this one really brought visceral gore into a mainstream film. From what any horror hound has sniffed out in their demented dives into the genre, it’s not that explicit. Most of the deaths are off camera, but it cemented ’10 Little Indians’ as a horror movie trope. Subsequently, the imitator had the mirror turned back on itself. This film doesn’t really ‘hold up’ in the traditional sense, but only because of having it’s blood drained by countless clones: April Fool’s Day, The Burning, The Final Terror, American Gothic, and on and on.

It hits all of the notes you’d expect: the killer’s POV, overwrought freeze-frames and slow motion, and a voyeuristic predilection. Despite these mainstays, the first film has a surprising amount of quiet moments. There’s some artistry here, even if beret-wearing film school drop-outs and Gene Siskel are too blind to see it.

And there’s a flagrant abuse of cut-off jean shorts. *shudder*

BEST DEATH: A post-coital Kevin Bacon getting an arrow gouged through his throat.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Make no mistake, there’s a lot of stuff to go through here. Unfortunately, much of it is redundant. There are no less than 3 separate retrospectives that end up being the same anecdotes rehashed by the cast and crew. After watching all of them, I felt like I worked on the movie myself. None of this is interesting unless you’re a hardcore Camp Crystal Laker. There’s also something called ‘Lost Tales From Camp Blood’, which plays out like a hackneyed fan film. The guy must have known someone was putting the DVD together, because this thing is youtube grade wanking.

As a side note, if you’re an aspiring filmmaker, don’t make a fan film. Please. Please. Please!! Save yourself time, money, and embarrassment. No one cares. Not even the internet.

Friday the 13th : Part 2

This one is my favorite! Of the whole series, I’ve always had a soft spot for part two. Before Jason adopted the hockey mask, he donned the potato sack, which has an unsettling ‘The Town That Dreaded Sundown’ look to it. And you get to see Jason’s toilet! You don’t know fear until you’ve seen where Jason Voorhees makes his poop. There’s something about this brief exploration of Jason’s house that brings him down to our level. Long before he was an undying force of nature, he was some freak living in the woods. It’s closer to us. It’s creepier. It’s possible.

And he has his mom’s head on an altar. What casual fans don’t realize is that Jason always had a motive. He loves his mom and as Anthony Perkins showed us, mama’s boys are always disturbed.

BEST DEATH: A cop getting a claw hammer to the skull.

SPECIAL FEATURES: The producers of the dvd seemed to lose interest in loading these up with goodies. There’s an interesting, if forced interview giving the background on the creation of ‘Crystal Lake Memories’, which is essentially the bible of the film series. If you see this on someone’s coffee table, you should probably call the police.

As with the first DVD, we’re treated to some interesting panels involving actors who don’t work anymore being treated like kings by a bunch of Morlocks in black t-shirts. It’s a horror convention and what you see may shock you.

Then another ‘Lost Tales From Camp Blood’. (I stopped typing here for a good five minutes, trying to find a way to verbalize the disgusted snarl on my face.)

As another side note, if you’re an aspiring filmmaker, don’t make a SEQUEL TO YOUR DAMNED FAN FILM! At this point, you’re only going to cause your family and friends to stop returning your calls.

Friday the 13th: Part 3 - 3-D

Finally, Paramount decided to get it together and release this in 3-D. With two sets of glasses! 3-D really is the only way to see this movie. Jason hits his stride and the formula gets set in stone. The kills are more inventive. The characters are more ridiculous. There are even bikers right out of The Blue Oyster. And some sort of bizarre disco-porn remix of the familiar theme.

As a whole, the film is a more accurate dissection of the early 80’s than some smarmy VH1 program could ever be. Aside from all of that, the 3-D and the introduction of the hockey mask are really the only notable points.

BEST DEATH: Jason squeezes a guy’s head, causing the eyeball to shoot out into the camera.

SPECIAL FEATURES: Not one. I guess they thought it would be enough to put both the 2-D and 3-D versions on here. Unfortunately, the 3-D is crap when seen at home. In the theaters, it’s amusing, but the film only acts as a vehicle for the effects. If you stare at the home version too long you’re going to feel like Jason Voorhees himself is humping your eye socket until your head splits open.

Now that I’ve written up enough praise to get me arrested . . . Are these what you would call ‘good movies’? No, but the cultural impact is massive on a level of Elvis and Co-Host 3000. They’re best when watched with friends, with the lights off, and a cold beer in hand. In fact, Google ‘Friday the 13th Drinking Games.’ 323,000 results!

One more side note – if you just have to make a fan film, have him fight Batman.


PS:
Thank you, Cyrus. I’m ready to go back to reviewing complete shit now.

Click Here to Buy Friday the 13th Uncut [Blu-ray]

Click Here to Buy Friday the 13th, Part 2

Click Here to Buy Friday the 13th, Part 3 3-D