Cyrus Presents Jason's Review for "Anaconda 3: Offspring"

I knew it

I knew when I pulled "Anaconda 3: Offspring" out of its lead container with the tongs (hard to operate those damn things with the full-body anti-contamination suit on) and handed it to Jason and he merely laughed, that this would be his masterpiece. A review so filled with bizarre referencing, nausea, and good old fashioned Hoff-bashing, that it has actually become almost a recommendation for the movie. Could you survive this and live to toss-off referential bon-mots on Spill about it afterwards? I think not. I only glanced at the cover and still wake up from nightmares. Praise Jason, praise him for he clearly has powers beyond us mere mortals...

David Hasslehoff fighting giant snakes. That's right. Read that sentence again. Drink it in. You see, there are two types of people in this world - those who get nothing from that sentence and those whose bathing suit areas tingle with the Glow (The Last Dragon). I am ensconced firmly in the latter. Which side are you on? When Cyrus handed me the dvd, I took one look at the cover and some primitive part of my brain struck up the chords of REO Speedwagon singing "I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore." I defy you to come up with something better. I tried. Polar bears with RPG's? Alex Trebek in Gymkata 2? No, the Hoff fighting giant snakes trumps them all.

I was ready for this flick to rock out with its anaconda out. I grabbed the remote, some vodka, and prepared to be sprayed with B-movie deliciousness. Then I read a few nuggets about the film:

". . . filmed back to back with Anaconda 4 . . ."
Oh, hell yes.

". . . co-starring John Rhys-Davies . . ."
Sallah?! Right on!

" . . . aired first on the SciFi channel . . . "
Fuck. Me.

Sci-Fi originals are dreck. Let's not mince words. That place is the shit factory. The only good film that ever premiered on SciFi was 'Abominable', and that was a fluke. With promises of the Hoff, this one had slipped past my defenses. It was in my DVD player now. I was going to have to light the whole damned thing on fire when it was all over. Scorched earth. I clenched my jaw and pressed play.

In the film, Wexel Labs, lead by the diabolical Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies) is doing genetic testing on the titular snakes (which now vomit blood, instead of Jon Voight). He's your typical evil billionaire scientist, busy chewing the scenery and trying to find a cure for everything. What? But John Rhys-Davies, isn't this a step down from season 4 of Sliders and the cinematic juggernaut of 'The Ferryman'? The guy must have left his good sense in Gondor, because here he is, keeping giant snakes to test and mutate into horrible monstrosities. Nothing bad's gonna happen, right? Right?!

Wrong! The snakes escape. Gasp! People are mauled by really bad CGI! Enter Hasslehoff - poacher, hunter, badass. Hasslehoff smirks through the whole thing, dripping with hairy charm. He brings along his motley group of hunters to take down the anacondas. The hunters, with dull lights in their eyes that say, "We're not going to make it to Anaconda 4, are we?", traipse along behind him, carrying unwieldy guns and even clumsier dialogue. They're not just searching for rogue anacondas. They're searching for the auditions for Predator 3. The film, acting like 80% of the planet earth had never seen the Arnie vs Alien classic, begs, borrows, and steals from it. The snakes even make those cliche Predator clicking noises. If the anacondas could turn invisible and kick Jesse Ventura's ass with shoulder-mounted laser cannons, then maybe we could have saved this sinking ship.

As incredible as all of this sounds, I assure you, it is not. This makes the first Anaconda look like 'Jaws'. It's completely devoid of style and looks like it was shot in an empty copse of trees next to a highway. Fortunately, the practical effects are nice and gruesome. There's some surprising gore. The snakes were thoughtful enough to do less eating and more maiming and impaling, letting us witness the carnage. Just when you're getting comfy with the splatterfest, they introduce bits of blood less convincing that you'll see in Mortal Kombat II on the Sega Genesis. "Oh my God! Steve just got impaled by a giant snake and it made maroon pixels gush out of his chest!!!"

SPECIAL FEATURES:
200% more naked breasts?
A deleted scene with Lee Marvin and Sam Jackson wrestling WCW-style with an anaconda?
An option to erase the film from your memory, Eternal Sunshine-style?

None of these were present on the DVD. In fact, there were no special features at all. I was kind of relieved.

It's simple enough to be fail safe, right? Giant snakes escape. Hoff hunts them. That's it! That's all you had to do. We weren't looking for much. We didn't expect Bergman. Still, you failed us Anaconda 3. You failed us on every level. Bad dialogue, unconvincing locales, boring action, and a complete waste of a totally awesome has-been. You didn't just fail your fans, Anaconda 3. You failed J-Lo. You failed Jon Voight and Owen Wilson by not holding up the legacy they worked so hard for. But most of all, Anaconda 3, you failed Ice Cube. I don't think I can ever forgive you for that.

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