Vampires. There was a time they were cool. Seriously. I know right now you're either going "Cyrus is full of crap, vampires have always sucked (lol)" or else you're going "Fuck you, Cyrus, Twilight rules" and if your response is the latter, you're probably at the wrong website. And if your response is the former, if you ever launch a pun that lame again at me, I'll read you all 80 volumes of my collected puns about cows. You don't want that. But yes, vampires used to be awesome. And then they got really lame. Which is precisely why I was just cynical enough to pass "Bled" onto my faithful co-LEOGer, Jason, who'll take any amount of abuse as long as it's a horror movie of some kind. Let's take a look and see if "Bled" reinvigorates a tired genre or merely makes Jason bleed from the eyes...

I feel like I just played Vampire: the Masquerade with a bunch of 15 year olds wearing too much mascara. They sat there, pining on about the endless abyss of existence and how they were surrounded by mindless sheeple. Maybe 'Disturbed' played in the background. Then they decided to make a movie. They decided to make 'Bled'. Then they went and cut on themselves some more. Hopefully, they hit an artery.

Another Tuesday, another Z-Grade vampire movie. 'Bled' tells the story of a bunch of pretentious, gorgeous people living in LA's art scene. They get caught up in some the usual 'who fucks who' Melrose Place drama. They have coffee and go to art openings where they flirt and sulk and act important. Then some Eastern European fop named Renfield, naturally, shows up and gives our main character, Sai, some vampire peyote. She hallucinates and it taps into her dark soul or some such shit. She turns into a vampire.

It was an interesting enough premise. Was I struggling to find the bright spots, like rifling through the fridge for the last beer at 4 AM? You bet I was. Nonetheless, this vampire peyote (my name, not their's) sends Sai into a parallel reality. I'm not sure of the purpose of this foggy grotto, but this dream state is separated from our own world by the thinnest of membranes. The more Sai abuses her vampire peyote, the more wicked manifestations she brings back with her, all the while fornicating with the Fluke Man from that classic X-Files episode. The concept itself was novel, even if it made little sense. All of it is shot with rather lush cinematography, lots bleeding reds and inky blacks. With the rich photography and some unsettling creature designs, it starts off like a morbid fairy tale.

The biggest problem? No one talks like these people!

"To fall into darkness is to be at peace with it."

"It breathes in you, lives in your heart, delivers you into a reality where all is possible."

Direct quotes. Seriously, who ever says this shit?? I don't know how the actors kept a straight face. That's not to acquit the players in this piece, of course. This thing is teeming with derelict models, like maggots on a piece of spoiled meat. Every line is delivered with Telemundo passion. The men are carefully unshaven and the women are busty and pouty. Have you ever watched those videos online where you see some daring skateboarder dash his brains all over the sidewalk? Well, you'll wince like that when watching these people try to act.

'Bled' is a 10 dollar movie with what looks like a 2 million dollar budget. Wasted money. Oh, the things they could have done with that cash.

- They could have taken 200 thousand of their closest friends to Arby's for dinner.
- Purchased 2 copies of every vampire movie ever made.
- Built an Olympic-sized swimming pool filled with Scotch and swam in it until it soaked into their pores and they came up with an idea that didn't suck.
- Or they could have all bought shiny claw hammers and repeatedly smashed themselves in the nuts.

Any one of them would have better results than this flick.



SPECIAL FEATURES: 
More than this thing deserves.

-Behind the Scenes - a montage of clips without any introductions, narration, or even dialogue. Even more pointless than I expected.

-Deleted Scenes - There is such a thing of too much of a bad thing!

-Visual Effects of Bled - About 4 Before/After pics showing the color tweaks added to the original footage.

-Creating 'Incubus' - The end result of this monster is actually creepy and cool. This featurette, though? Just what I expected - a stuntman getting slathered in plaster and latex.

-Alternate Opening titles - Admittedly the opening titles were fantastic. In fact, they were the best part of the movie. Next to the closing credits.

If you're looking for a film rife with lots of writhing, moaning, lingering stares, and red velvet, then maybe 'Bled' is for you. If you're looking for a new take on the vampire genre, I guess there are a few drops of blood you can get from that weathered stone. It's not scary. It's not gripping. It's not romantic or funny, but damn, it is hilarious.

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