Smug.

Smug, smugity, smug smug.

I can’t think of a better way of saying what it is about the remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still” that stuck in my craw. I can’t even posit that I disagree with its point of view, only that it says it in such a self-righteous, non-explanatory way and doesn’t even attempt to offer anything in the way of answers. Here’s my impression of the movie if it was every other well-meaning but clueless modern hippy arguing for environmental issues:

TDTESS: “Like, you’re totally killing the Earth. We’re so evil we don’t even deserve to live."

ME: "Ok then, how exactly are we killing the Earth and what answers or even suggestions do you have to help stop it from happening?"

TDTESS: “Whatever man. You know what you’re doing. Pigs.”

And then the movie would manage to go home with the hot chick I was trying to make the moves on all night. She can’t see what a douche that movie is? I gotta get me some game.

If only Keanu Reeves could use his super-vague-alien-intelligence to explain what we’re doing wrong! That would require more than just the idea, a good one taken from the original film. That would require someone with the ability to write. I don’t think one of those folks ever got anywhere near this picture.

When a giant space whatchamacallit is detected heading towards earth at apocalypse-inducing speeds, one of the experts abducted from their homes by the US government for advice is Doctor Helen Benson (Jennifer Connelly) who is an astrobiologist, a field I’d imagine is tough to work in since we haven’t actually found much of the way of biology in that astro range. Luckily, big, dangerous and shiny has brakes and it gently sets down in Central Park where the human race greets it in our traditionally warm and inviting way by pointing all our biggest guns at it.

A lone figure emerges from the sphere and a trigger-happy xenophobe in the crowd pulls off a shot, injuring it, and causing his pet gigantic robot to come out of the ship and start giving us a lesson on how impotent we are when our guns don’t work. The alien isn’t out of it entirely, and he calls off his attack robot with the immortal words stolen by Bruce Campbell. Rushed into surgery, the creature (who we never get much of a look at) sloughs off his skin to reveal a fetus-y Keanu Reeves. Helluva way to leave The Matrix. Again.

Keanu is Klaatu and he explains, after escaping his imprisonment ordered by super bitchy Secretary of Defense Kathy Bates, that he’s here to help the Earth. Not us, mind you. The Earth. As the late, great, Bill Hicks said, “We’re a virus with shoes”. The Earth is one of only a few planets capable of supporting complex life and requires a certain amount of celestial micromanaging so Klaatu and his outer space cronies judge us unchanging, destructive and un-galactic-party-invitable. They set on a course for destruction of the nasty human rash the planet has developed. Now, only Jennifer Connelly’s whining and the ever-annoying Will Smith spawn Jaden Smith can change his mind and stop the Earth from being rebooted by alien CG.

First I gotta say, Keanu is perfectly cast here. You don’t hear that often but Klaatu is mainly emotionless and kind of scary and Keanu has no problem getting that across. Makes you wonder why they didn’t cast him in the new Terminator movie. Unfortunately, that’s one of the only positive things I have to say about this remake.

The original film’s sympathies clearly lay with the alien. Humans were/are dangerous creatures that think too much of themselves and were about to nuke each other to pieces. I suspect the fatal flaw with the remake is that it takes away almost all of Klaatu’s ‘humanity’ and turns him into an impartial judge. All we have left is Jennifer Connelly and Jaden Smith bitching at each other about a side-plot involving his dead father. If it wasn’t for John Cleese’s all too small appearance as a altruistic scientist who reacts like I suspect most people actually would to an ostensibly friendly alien intelligence in their midst, I wouldn’t have had a single character to connect to.

If it was just hollow characters alone that were the problem, I could have gotten through this based on high-minded sci-fi. We don’t get enough of that in films these days and it seems like “The Day the Earth Stood Still” is building up for some big revelation, something smart and telling or prophetic about humanity. What do we get? Maybe it was because the character of Klaatu in this one reminded someone else of the T2 Terminator, because he lets loose a “I now know why you cry” cheap homily and TA-DAH it’s over with absolutely nothing in the way of fanfare or explanations. I WTF’ed out loud. I had to. You have to make your best guess at what the hell Klaatu even sees in us. The writers didn't have an answer. I found myself almost wanting to jump in and say, "What the fuck are you talking about, Klaatu. Been smoking the local plant life again?. Wipe the planet clean."

Surprisingly, the Blu-Ray edition doesn’t skimp at all on the extras. Check out what you get:

-Commentaries by Screenwriter David Scarpa (who previously only wrote “The Last Castle”)
-Picture-in-Picture BONUSVIEW
-Klaatu’s Unseen Artifacts
-Build Your Own Gort Interactive Experience
-Deleted Scenes
-Re-Imagining the Day Documentary
-Unleashing GORT Featurette
-Watching the Skies: In Search of Extraterrestrial Life Featurette
-The Day the Earth Was “Green” Featurette
-Still Galleries

You also get a digital copy of the film, and best of all, a Blu-Ray copy of the original classic that looks absolutely beautiful. Of course, you can just buy the recently released two disc Blu Ray of that separately packed with extras of its own.

While “The Day the Earth Stood Still” threatens to become interesting in a number of moments, that’s all it ever manages to do. Smart science fiction needs to actually be smart. Dress it up in fancy effects all you like, what you’ve got here is still a run of the mill and annoyingly preachy disaster movie along the lines of “The Day After Tomorrow”. What this movie could have used was either more scary Terminator Keanu (with knives and stabbing weapons!) or the ability to explain and detail its point of view so that it all actually meant something. At least a little. It ends almost like the director said, “Hey guys, we’re out of cash so let’s just wrap this up and go home….NOW.” In the end, I sat there for a minute thinking about it and even with the stuff I liked about it, it all just seemed so pointless. I want to save the Earth too, I just think I'd let Al Gore do my talking for me instead of Jennifer Connelly.

Click Here to Buy The Day the Earth Stood Still (3-Disc Special Edition) [Blu-ray]