Blood: The Last Vampire

Oh. how I wish we weren’t embargoed and forced not to talk about “Ninja Assassin” yet so I could compare these two films to each other. They’re companion pieces of a sort, lots of ridiculous and poorly done wire work, mediocre F/X and way, way, way WAY too much obviously fake CG blood. Oh wait, um, I swear, I’m just talking about “Blood”....

Based on a popular anime film (which I actually liked) this live-action film is about a half-human half-vampire chick named Saya (Gianna Jun) that dresses in schoolgirl clothes for some reason (oh come on, we know the reason) who is hunting down full blood vampires on a trail leading to Onigen, the boss character vampire chick that Saya has to defeat at the end of the game, er, movie. Saya’s hooked up with a handler named Kato who works with an organization trying to defend humanity against these horrors but is having dividing factions within itself, some of which don't like them working with a half-vampire. Saya largely ignores these silly folks but ends up befriending/protecting a young girl named Alice (Allison Miller) while on the hunt for her ultimate goal. And no, there’s none of THAT kind of action happening here. Unfortunately. Nary a tentacle or revealing ripped schoolgirl dress in sight.

I wish I could think of anything good to say about this. Action=mediocre. Effects=crap. Story=unnecessarily complicated and dull. Acting=almost embarrassing at points. Gore=looks like it was added in with a Commodore 64. Believe me when I tell you to go rent the anime movie and SKIP this garbage.

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Greg Giraldo: Midlife Vices

And you’re like, “Hey, its that guy who’s always one of the funniest dudes during the Comedy Central roasts.” And you’d be right but that was really Greg’s only notable claim to fame until this new concert video, which isn’t gonna project him into the holy firmaments of comedy or anything but is nonetheless definitely good stuff.

Greg is one of those ‘tough guy’ comics like Denis Leary. He’s been through some shit and it shows. While many stand-ups whose goal it is to get you to question some established mores in society show their intentions and leanings proudly and loudly, Greg tricks his audience into thinking for themselves through a number of means, by certainly using the old ‘devil’s advocate comes off as an ass’ bit but a number of new techniques that are kind of surprising. By the end, you’re not entirely sure where Greg stands on all these issues either, but it doesn’t come across as playing it safe so much as someone who has figured out how not to dominate his audience with his opinions on sensitive issues while still getting those questions into their consciousness. And did I mention he’s pretty funny?

“Midlife Vices” has an awkward, even slow start to it, but about ten minutes in, it really gets rolling and keeps up a brisk and clever pace from there. Adding to the deal is another Giraldo concert from some years back on Comedy Central (a lot of the same beats, but different material and less beard) and the failed pilot for a show he hosted called “Adult Content” about sex that quite frankly, kills, and totally should have been picked up. This is a BUY because you'll want to play this entire thing again when your friends come over.

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“Battlestar Galactica: The Plan”

I remember when I was a big fan of this show, anxiously watching each week, arguing with friends about the meaning of it all. And then it ended and we all discovered that the writers, unlike the Cylons, didn’t seem to really have a plan of their own. Most subplots went unanswered, even recently developed ones and the big answers that were given rang extremely hollow. Even critics who forgave the ending for its faults admitted that a lot of stuff plain didn't make sense. Not being one to hold a grudge, especially not against a show that managed to be as great as it was for 99% of its run, I certainly welcomed the chance for this ‘direct-to-dvd’ movie to fix some of these final episode problems. The producers HAD to be aware of the grumbling going on in the community and want to resolve some things. You’d think, right? Unfortunately, “The Plan” is more like a series of deleted scenes with no real impact of any kind. To put it simply, a shameless cash-grab.

The idea here was to show events from the Cylon point of view throughout the series. While it dances around the experiences unseen of all the Cylons, sleepers, actives and the final five (so, don’t watch this if you haven’t seen the entire show) mainly it focuses on the number one models (Dean Stockwell who humorously spends a lot of time with a character named Sam...Quantum Leap fans, you understand) .Two of Stockwell’s Cylons are being airlock executed at the beginning of the episode before it goes into the familiar “...months earlier” flashback for the rest of the film. The philosophical differences between the two men and how they arrived at them from the beginning of the series till right about up until the settlement on 'New Caprica', is the primary theme of the film.

It would be nice if I could say that “The Plan” offered something revealing, other than minor details well within the realm of unnecessary trivia, or had a stand-alone quality, which it most definitely doesn’t. I can’t imagine anyone who hadn’t watched the show having the vaguest idea what was going on here and even for someone who has watched it, “The Plan” is confusing from a chronological point of view. Who are some of these characters that I saw once two or three years ago on the show? I don't remember every damn thing that happened, nor, as it turns out, did I really need to. Which is all fine and dandy because there isn’t a single reason for anyone, fan or otherwise, to bother with it. The DVD comes optimistically with a good deal of extras, like a focus on Edward James Olmos as the director, which I hope he gets another chance to do with something featuring a more imaginative and moving script. I can't imagine wasting your time with watching any more about the making of something so damn lazy. The only thing I can say I really enjoyed here was composer Bear McCreary's original and powerful score. Here’s hoping the prequel spin-off “Caprica” is much, much, MUCH better because “The Plan” is a SKIP.

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