Battle for the Blood: Werewolves vs. Vampires

With the release of The Twilight Saga: New Moon just around the corner, I find myself having to stand up for what’s right in this world. Of course, most of the things that are right in my world happen to be undead and supernatural creatures, but I digress. While the film presents us with the battle between the sexy-but-underage werewolves and the glitter-wearing vampires, I’m going to kick it old school and have a good old throw-down. The claws and fangs are out, and it’s about to get bloody!

THE ROOTS

Werewolf: Going back to medieval times and Ancient Greece, the werewolf is a human with the ability to turn into a wolf or wolf-like creature. The ability stems from one of two possibilities: by being bitten or scratched by another werewolf or after being placed under a curse. While most associate the transformation with the appearance of the full moon, it’s been revealed that it can occur at any time.

Vampire: The general definition of this beast is a being, living or undead, who survives by feeding on the blood of the living. Historians believe that the tale of the blood-sucker stems as far back as prehistoric times or that the belief is as old as man himself. With the ongoing vampire legends and the release of Bram Stoker’s novel Dracula, these nocturnal beings came on the radar and haven’t left since.



THE STRENGTHS

Werewolf: The most obvious quality gained in this circumstance would be the sheer brute strength. With over 200 pounds of pure muscle, it’s hard to fight with that, and that’s not even including the sharp claws and humongous teeth. Werewolves also have a heightened sense of smell and night vision, which comes in handy for feedings.

Vampire: Much like the werewolf, vampires become physically powerful, especially after a blood binder. Some vampires can form into various creatures, including a wolf, bat or mice, while other vamps need nothing more but their hypnosis ability. The most noticeable addition would be the fangs, sinking into a vein near you!

Winner: Werewolf – Not your family dog.



THE WEAKNESSES

Werewolf: These bitches (literal, in some cases) are hard to stop! Why? Because only one thing really gets to them – silver. Whether you go old-school and shoot ‘em up with a silver bullet or stab them in the heart with a silver cake server like in Cursed, it’s up to you. Just make sure you do the trick. Also, removing the head and destroying the brain works on just about every supernatural/undead creature.

Vampire: In hindsight, vampires are wusses. While I realize they could go full-throttle on my veins, there are several ways to combat them. For instance, pick up some holy water at the near-by church (garlic is always a nice backup). The old stake-to-heart trick rarely fails, just like direct sunlight. Take some No Doze and back into a corner and you’ll survive…at least for a while.

Winner: Werewolf – There’s no silver lining here. They’re stronger than vamps.



THE LOOKS

Werewolf: Ladies, if you like hairy guys, this is the way to go. However, you guys are totally doomed unless that whole European thing works for you. The constant brushing, bloody tangles and drool doesn’t sound like fun to me, but to each his/her own!

Vampire: Vampires can be hot. However, as Gary Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula has showed us, they can be fug too. Luckily, most vampires follow the former trend and look like every day people, except they’re unusually pale. If you’re into the tan, muscle-head type, you’re out of luck. Guys, you’ll be in the clear as long as these creatures are around because the ladies are always hot.

Winner: Vampire – So hot, they’ll burst in sunlight.



THE SCARES

Werewolf: If I came head-to-head with a Great Dane on crack, you bet your sweet ass I’d be dropping a load in my pants. Of all the werewolf movies, I can’t think of a single film where the werewolf looked NICE, with the possible exception of The Monster Squad. These creatures are not to be fucked with.

Vampire: These fuckers just pop out of nowhere! While not super intimidating in most cases, the vampires like Oldman in Bram Stoker’s Dracula, the 30 Days of Night crew and those in The Night Flier are enough to make my skin crawl.

Winner: Werewolf – Lions, Tigers and Bears don’t have SHIT on these guys!



THE MOVIES

Werewolf: Movies like Blood and Chocolate, An American Werewolf in Paris and Skinwalkers give werewolves a bad name, but for the most part their movies are good. In fact, looking at a list of werewolf movies, I realized I love a lot more of them than I had thought. While they’re not made very often (or parodied often, either), they’re still cemented in horror film history.

Vampire: While the amount of films trumps werewolves’, vampires tend to have more bombs than their enemy. In fact, a vampire film even made it into IMDB’s Bottom 100, with another film, Bloodsuckers, holding the second spot on the worst-ranked horror films list. A lot of vampire films are laughable, but when they’re good they’re AMAZING!

Winner: Werewolf – Their movies always make for a howling good time!



THE LADIES

Werewolf: Most people would think dating a werewolf would be awesome. Animal in the sack, all that savage lust…it really amounts to nothing in the end. Unless you want to get torn to pieces (some people dig that extreme BDSM thing), I would suggest staying away from naughty times with werewolves.

Vampire: If vampires ever become real, people are fucking doomed. The lust just radiates from these guys, and before you know it you’re hooked with one glance. Vampires have always been notorious for their sexual prowess, and people earn a reputation for a reason. Whether you want to test that out or not is your call.

Winner: Vampire – [Enter gratuitous sucking metaphor here].



OVERALL WINNER – Werewolf!

The beast will not die! It’s safe to say that werewolves have fought tooth and nail to earn their place in cinephiles hearts, and will remain there regardless of what crappy movies have came and went or are on the way.