At one point in time parodies used to be well crafted films that would riff a particular genre/film to shred, and some went as far to include comments on society. But last time I checked, Mel Brooks is no longer making
films, which is very depressing, especially when you consider that the most prolific directors in the parody genre are the two ass clowns known as Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer. These two men have created more
atrocities then Mel brooks did hits. Its as if they are trying to undo all that Brooks did for the genre. And for that, they must die.

For a while these two hacks would often be toted as "Two of the six writers of Scary Movie", as if this were something to brag about. And at first, this appears to retain some credibility. Until you actually look Scary Movie up on IMDB and realize out of the remaining writers, three worked on In Living Color, and the fourth wrote for
award shows (not the best career, but still crafted better jokes than anything Friedberg or Seltzer could ever come up with), so F/S (short for Friedberg/Seltzer, remember this!) are the ones that probably just got coffee for the rest of the team, while occasionally pitching in a gay joke, quickly followed by the expected "no homo". Yes, it should be quite clear who the weakest links of this team were.

Anyway, on to the review... Vampires Suck, which if you don't know by now is a "parody" of the Twilight franchise, though it somehow manages to fail in parodying one of the most deserving films to skewer. This is possibly one the most uninspired parodies I have seen since Mind of Mencia was canceled, and yet, it had me longing for the satirical genius that was Mind of Mencia (sarcasm heavily implied). They may as well just titled this film "Whats the deal with all these Vampires?" because that's as close as they will get to actual humor.

The plot of the film closely follows the first two movies in the Twilight Saga. And by close, I mean scenes were lifted almost directly from Twilight. The lighting, the soundtrack, the shots, even some of the lines seemed outright stolen from Twilight. Though, I gotta hand it to F/S for not cramming Vampires Suck with the most asinine of pop culture throw backs that all of their other films contain. Of those films, this is the one where they showed the most restraint with those references, but regardless this movie still sucks. It would be as if I tried to convince you that a particular pile of horse shit is better than any other piles that the horse shat out. Either way, its still fecal matter.

Have you ever accidentally started recording on a video camera without knowing it and ended up recording an hour's worth of footage of the lens cap? If you have, congratulations. You have just made more of an effort
to make a movie then F/S ever will. I challenge you to find a better example of "Not giving a fuck" filmmaking. If you find one worse, just post it in the comment section.

As for what little jokes they did use, almost none of them were really Twilight inspired. And this is quite a shame, considering how many moments there were in Twilight that just seemed ripe for parody. And the jokes that they did make about Twilight are just asinine in every sense of the word. One would think that F/S would throw in truckloads of gay jokes about Edward since a) he sparkle and b)he is clearly uncomfortable being with Bella. But no, they instead decide to waste all of their gay jokes on the Native American wolf-boy. (Now, i personally have no issues with homosexuals, Im just trying to place myself into the mind of an average F/S fan who would expect a plethora of these, especially considering Meet the Spartans was just one big gay joke)

That scene where Bella tells Edward that she knows he's a vampire is closely parodied in Vampire Sucks, but instead of Bella calling him a vampire, she instead realizes he is a Jonas Brother. Why? Because they are so popular right now with the kids. F/S don't even attempt at thinking up a witty insult for Edward, they just pull a pop culture reference out of laziness. Oh, yeah! Edward also kills Alice from Alice in Wonderland. Why? Because fuck you. That's why.


It seemed as if F/S planned on making this film by not watching any vampire flick, and instead Wikipedia-ing "Vampires in the media" and reading the Sparknotes edition of Twilight. There are more references and puns relating to True Blood, Buffy, and possibly even Paul Blart: Mall Cop then there are for Twilight. But they serve no true purpose, other than to fill up time. How else are they supposed to reach the hour thirty mark?

Honestly, the only actual decent parody of Twilight was the characterization of Bella and her father. The girl that played Bella did a surprisingly decent parody of Kristen Stewart's stuttery, twitchy, spastic excuse of acting. Though its sad that she made such an effort in this cancer of a film. Also the father was played by Diedrich Bader, who is pretty funny even at his worst. On the note of cameos, I'm relieved to say that the usual gang of D list celebrities that usually show up in these kinds of films are nowhere to be seen. The only real cameo was from the Spanish teacher from Community, but hey, his career isn't exactly taking off, so he's excused.

Another thing that surprised me was the production value. It was as if F/S were saving the money they made from the last five films and put it all into this one. This is the best well lit piece of shit I've seen since that time my friends set a bag of dog crap on fire on Old Man Wilken's porch. My guess is F/S stole cameras, costumes, make up, and snuck into the sets of the Twilight films after hours and made this when security wasn't looking.

Also, this was only a working print that I saw, not the actual theatrical production, so things may change, some drastically, though most likely minor. They might add a segment where people start dance fighting, as they have in all of their other films, but chances are they wont. Fuck it. I hope they include a dancing scene just as a final FUCK YOU to the viewer. The soundtrack may also get shittier, since I doubt they would lift songs directly from the Twilight soundtrack and expect to get away with it.

Now, I did say before that this wasn't as bad as some of F/S's other films, but its still no Scary movie. If anything, this is a movie that you should only sit through if you were stuck on an island with a tv playing "Vampires Suck" on a constant loop. And even then I would try to gnaw off my arm to escape.

But for those that aren't stuck on a desert island, this movie receives a big FUCK YOU. Big surprise right?
If your girlfriend/boyfriend tries to take you to see this, dump their ass. Its better to be single than to date someone with terrible taste in films. Same rule goes towards any friends, family members that tries to make you watch this film.