If it's crap ... We'll tell you
Source: LA Times
Despite the poor reception and general "WTF" nature of the script, it seems that David E. Kelley's 'Wonder Woman' television pilot is still snowballing right along - presumably to take it's place next to 'The Cape' and 'M.A.N.T.I.S.' as the worst superhero shows in existence. There is a bright side, however - sources are reporting that Adrianne Palicki ('Friday Night Lights') will star in the title role as the flustered, sarcastic, singing superhero with three distinct alter egos... wait, what?
Yes, you read that right. David E. Kelley - the man who was recently referred to as "the man who killed feminism" - has created a script that at best can only be summed up as "unique", and at worst could be considered "total blasphemy". We recently got a look at the pilot episode's script, and here is what you can expect from this series, sure to be considered controversial by fans:
Wonder Woman is a multiple personality Ally McBeal meets Carrie Bradshaw:
You think that's a joke, we can assure you it's not. Rather than focus on Wonder Woman's role as an Amazonian woman trying to find her place in the world while fighting crime, Kelley has written her as a sobbing, ice-cream eating, Katy Perry-singing man-stalker who juggles three different identities: Wonder Woman - a streetwise vigilante dressed in leather who makes wisecracks while beating up thugs, Diana Themyscira - a high powered executive and chairperson of Themyscira Industries (the company that funds her crimefighting), and mousy "everygirl" Diana Price - a frazzled and sexually-frustrated wageslave who just likes to "hang with her galpals".
Write what you know:
Make no mistake - this is a David E. Kelley script from start to finish. Best known for 'Ally McBeal' and 'Boston Legal', it wouldn't be a Kelley show without a lot of meetings and lawyers. 'Wonder Woman' is no different, as the majority of the script focuses on corporate meetings and a Senate hearing. 'Well okay' you may be saying, 'but surely there's some cool action in there too, right'? Sure... after you slog through scene after scene of Diana going off on elaborate and trite monologues about the state of her love life and her many...
This is what happens when a middle-aged man tries to write female characters: between long scenes of Diana taking a steaming hot shower (so that we can see some NBC-appropriate flashes of skin) and bemoaning her failed relationship with Steve Trevor (now a lawyer with the Justice Department of course), she spends a lot of time bantering with her co-worker and best friend Myndi about "much-needed makeovers", and how her hair looks.
She spends an entire scene as Diana Themyscira (her take-no-prisoners corporate identity) complaining about how her company's "Asian Wonder Woman" doll makes her boobs look too big. Yes, the sales fund her secret underground crime lab ("Big tits save lives!" she remarks at one point), but it makes her feel insecure when her "upstairs" doesn't meet her rescue-ee's expectations. However, the image-conscious exec quickly draws the line at an overweight Wonder Woman doll - you know, because no self-respecting female wants to be considered fat! Perish the thought! (this is where your "facepalm" .gifs go)
And to seal the final nail in the coffin, she and Myndi have an ice-cream slumber party after Diana accidentally runs into Steve at the Senate hearing. Yes, she can lift a car and argue her case in front of the Senate... but her knees get wobbly when a good looking man says hello. Our heroine, ladies and gentlemen! Calling it "a three-scoop day", the girls scream and dance around like schoolgirls before Diana eventually winds down and cries herself to sleep (yes, she actually cries herself to sleep) clutching a picture of her and Steve.
1997 called. It wants it's dialog back.
Beyond turning Wonder Woman into a poster girl for anti-feminism, the script is riddled with dialog and catchphrases that are supposed to make her seem like she's hip and "with it", but it ends up making her sound like she's someone's grandma who is desperately trying to sound "cool" for the kids. At one point she even says "let's get down to 'bidness'" and not in a funny ironic way. Imagine a Wonder Woman who says "You go, girl!" and you have a good idea what the rest of the dialog reads like.
So there you have it - a gruff corporate exec by day, a whiney schoolgirl at night who is "crushing on [Steve Trevor] like Carrie for Big" (yes, that's a line in the script). I suppose it's fitting for a comic book that began as basically a bondage-fetish book, but come on, people - we're all grown up now, we can handle a female protagonist that doesn't just bemoan her love life and shop for shoes. For now, this just gets a big, whopping...