If it's crap... We'll tell you

OMG DANE COOK I LUV U!

Listen up guys. Apparently Dane Cook is still making movies. This is a big problem.

Now, I considered writing a strongly worded letter to Mr. Cook beseeching him to stop, you know, performing ever again. But then I realized an arrogant asshole like Dane Cook probably only reads things from his adoring fans. In lieu of this, it was time to get passive aggressive.

I encourage each of you to send this letter to:

dc@danecook.com

or

DANE COOK
Creative Artists Agency
Tracy Brennan/Steve Smooke
9830 Wilshire Boulevard
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
(310)288-4545

I already have.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Dane,

First, you are so dreamy! I love the way your hair is spiky, like an anime character or all the cool kids in middle school. Second, I love you! Can I say that? Can I say “I love you” without weirding you out? Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m writing you – it’s like you’re actually here!!

I just wanted to say, Daney (can I call you Daney? I’ll call you Daney), I recently saw My Best Friend’s Girl and it was totally the best movie I have ever fucking seen. You are so hilarious. I mean, your character’s name is “Tank”! Hahahahaha, amazing! Did you improv that on set?

I bet you improv’d so much. The director would probably get to a part of the movie that he forgot to write, and everyone would be so lost and have no idea what to do. Just then, you’d start walking around hilariously, and everyone would crack up! There you'd be, just walking around in circles, and it’s so funny because why would you do that? Genius.

Or maybe you’d remember that story about how your friend karate chopped you. Except you’d say it like “KA…RA…TAY”, annunciating all of the syllables as if you’re in speech training, which is pretty much the funniest part. Honestly, I’ve seen your show over 15 times and I don’t even remember the story you tell. I just remember you saying karate a lot.

Come to think of it, I don’t think you tell a story. You just repeat karate over and over again, walking in circles.

Oh, I just remembered. On the last “karate,” I think you lunge forward and make a silly face. Then: walking in circles again.

It’s just that I really appreciate what you’re doing for comedy, you know? Every other comic out there is the same. You have to listen to them and pay attention to the words they say. You come out on stage, and I just look at you – all I have to do is look – and I am cracking up. I’m all like, “holy shit, how can this guy get any funnier?!” and then you twirl the mic in your hands, rip off your pants, and blow my fucking mind.

Please, I cannot urge you enough: make more movies! Frankly, there aren’t enough good comic actors working in Hollywood today, and of all of them, you’re still the best. Well, except for maybe Seth Rogen. And Robert Downey, Jr. and Michael Cera. Jonah Hill is pretty good too, along with Jason Segel, Jay Baruchel, Paul Rudd, and the rest of the Apatow crowd. Oh, and I always forget foreign guys like Sacha Baron Cohen, Ricky Gervais, and Steve Cougan. Then there are classics like Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Luke and Owen Wilson, and Vince Vaughn. But apart from those guys (and some others I probably forgot) you are, hands down, the funniest man in film.

Your biggest fan,
[Your Name Here]

Tags: cook, dane

Add a Comment

You need to be a member of The Spill.com Movie Community to add comments!

Join this Ning Network

Comment by Karate-chop Jesus on September 29, 2008 at 6:49pm: Awesome! The only bad part is that i think Dane Cook might actually read that and think it was a serious fan letter.

Comment by ragman on September 29, 2008 at 5:44pm: the first joke in the second video kent posted is VERY vague on whether or not dane cooke actually stole from louis c.k.

the other three are pretty obvious though. However I still don't think dane cooke is as big of a stealer as, let's say, carlos mencia.

Comment by Grant on September 29, 2008 at 5:43pm: Dane Cook is seriously the new Carrot Top.
Hilarious post, Jared. Glad you are back!

Comment by Leon on September 29, 2008 at 5:33pm: You knocked another one right outta the park, J!

Comment by Jonathan AKA JodeneSparks on September 29, 2008 at 5:29pm: He needs to be in more movies like Mr. Brooks

Comment by Art Vandelay on September 29, 2008 at 5:20pm: What I said was harsh and stupid but I still feel the same way. Even about Uwe Boll and the makers of Disaster Movie. The petitions and whining is just stupid. I don't like Dane Cook but I don't feel the need to stop the guy from doing anything in the entertainment business. A lot of people like him so what's the problem? Is he hurting anyone?

Comment by Adam Taylor on September 29, 2008 at 5:09pm: haha awesome

Comment by Tommy on September 29, 2008 at 4:51pm: I envy you, Ghostwriter.

Comment by Zero on September 29, 2008 at 4:46pm: ZZZZ-omg another "hilarious" Jared article dripping with "wit" and "satire" whoa, are you saying that you actually do not like Dan- what? Outrageous, let's all post lots and lots of comments.