Babylon A.D - The Really Short Version

I saw Babylon A.D. It was hilariously awful. So, I might as well make an even funnier, shorter version of the movie. Here ya go.

*20th Century Fox logo appears. Cue Audience Boos.*

Vin Diesel Voice Over: "Save The Planet." That's what it said on a bumper sticker. I thought that was cute. Then I rammed my car into the drivers skull. I thought that was cute too. Oh yeah, then I died.

*Rap music plays. Then Vin gets angry with a guy for selling him a bad gun*

Vin Diesel: You sold me a bad gun! I paid 10 dollars for this!

Audience: SO DID WE!

*Guys show up and ruin Vin Diesel's meal of Rabbits and Whop-ass*

Guy: We're here to give you a message, but we decided to blow up your door and point a billion guns at you for fun!

Vin Diesel: My meal is ruined!

*Shoots guy in head*

Vin Diesel: Man, I'm badass.

*A Horribly Gelatinous Gérard Depardieu shows up*

Gérard Depardieu: I want you to deliver a girl to new york.

Vin Diesel: Why?

Gérard Depardieu: I dunno. That's what the script told me to say.

*Car shows up on a magnet attached to a helicopter*

Vin Diesel: I must be in the future! FLYING CARS!

*Gets dropped off at a monestary. Suddenly Michelle Yeoh shows up.*

Vin Diesel: Holy shit! You're that chick from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon!

Michelle Yeoh: Now I'm a Nun.

Audience: Lame!

Michelle Yeoh: WHO KNOWS KUNG FU!

Audience: Lame!

*Mélanie Thierry shows up*

Vin Diesel: You look 13.

Mélanie Thierry: I'm actually 27.

Vin Diesel: I sure hope there isn't a love story in this movie. That would be awkward.

*Ninjas who know Parkour show up*

Ninja: I know Parkour!

*Vin Diesel kills one*

Ninja: RUN!

Mélanie Thierry: BITCH! MOAN! COMPLAIN! KILLING SUCKS!

Vin Diesel: Man, you're annoying!

*Random sub appears*

Michelle Yeoh: What the hell?

*Random Chase Scene happens*

Audience: Wow, how hilariously pointless.

Mélanie Thierry: We're all going to die! Good night. *Sleeps*

Vin Diesel: We? I'm the main character!

*They make it to New York*

Audience: Hmmmm.....I wonder what makes her so important?

Mélanie Thierry: I'M PREGGERS!

Audience: What the fuck? Since when did this become a retarded version of Children Of Men?

Vin Diesel: Oh No! We're losing them! Quickly! Cue an action scene!

*Action scene happens. Michelle Yeoh gets shot.*

Michelle Yeoh: Thank god! *dies*

*Missile gets launched at Vin Diesel*

Mélanie Thierry: No! You must live!

*Shoots Vin Diesel*

Vin Diesel: Little contradictory, don't ya think? *Dies*

*SOMETHING HAPPENS!*

Lambert Wilson: Hello Vin Diesel. You died for two hours, now I brought you back as the six million dollar man!

Vin Diesel: You know you have wires coming out of your crotch?

Lambert Wilson: Don't mind that. Now, Mélanie Thierry is preggers and a cult wants her babies, and she's also my daughter, but she's not my daughter because she was genetically enginered, but I call her my daughter, but I felt like abandoning her cause the cult wants her, also she can stop missiles, but she can't really stop missiles, her babies can, which is weird since they're still in her stomach, and now you're her only hope.

Vin Diesel: What?

Lambert Wilson: Whatever. Go blow shit up. *Gets shot by cult*

Vin Diesel: YAY!

*Blows shit up*

Vin Diesel: I saved you so you can have your babies and take care of them!

Mélanie Thierry: Fuck that! You be the daddy! *Dies*

Vin Diesel: HEY! I can't do this! Haven't you seen The Pacifier?!

*Years later, the two babies are seen. One is white and one is black. The audience laughs.*

Vin Diesel: Hey kids. Don't do drugs.

White Kid: Why not?

Vin Diesel: Cause you end up in convoluted pieces of shit like this.

Black Kid: TOO LATE!

THE END.

*Audience walks out pissed*