Star Wars The Clone Wars Review

Star Wars: The Clone Wars

Running Time 1 Hour and 38 Minutes

Really? Do I have to review this? *Sigh* okay fine. Star Wars The Clone Wars is a "movie"(if you can call it that) about what happened in between Episode II and III. But wait a minute.....wasn't there already a badass Clone Wars series a few years ago? Why yes my young Padiwan, there was. Unfortunately, Lucasfilm seemed to have suffered from amnesia and decided to make yet another story about The Clone Wars. Anyway, it's about Jabba's son being kidnapped and Anakin being forced to train an Alien Miley Cyrus called Ahsoka while saving the little abomination of a character. Also, Count Dooku and Sarah Jessica.....I mean Asajj Ventress try to manipulate Jabba into thinking the jedi want to kill him and his son. Stuff blows up, the end. Also, there's a transvestite Hutt, beat that!

As many of you have known, I was never a supporter for the film. I hated the idea of it. I thought it was going to be a pointless venture into material that has already been covered. It worked for the last series because everyone wanted to know what happened during the Wars. Now, it's just milking everything for all it's worth. Nevertheless, it was Star Wars, and that was a good enough reason to still check it out in theaters, at a 6 dollar price mind you. So I walked in, and walked back out nearly 100 minutes later feeling like I lost my money and my time.

There's no way around it, I thought Clone Wars was the worst thing to happen to Star Wars since that Christmas Special and those Ewok movies. It's poorly written, half assley animated, and has the most non theatrical Story I've ever heard. The animation reminded me of a bad puppet show. Every time a lightsaber fight broke out, all I could think about was the opening fight scene from Team America. Sure, that fight was bad, but it was meant to be. Here, they are actually trying to be serious.

It was quite obvious that this "film" was intended to be split up into three episodes. There was no sense of structure or pacing, just things happening. It was hard to care about anybody, because you already know what happens in the future. You know that Anakin will be Darth Vader, you know that Count Dooku will be headless, so why bother even making more stories about the Clone Wars? I suppose the reason is Ahsoka, but she offers nothing here, just another Padiwan to be super annoying. And if she's supposed to be 14, why did the animators bother dressing her like she's going to sell herself on the streets of Couriscant? It's horrible.

For an action film, the action was boring as hell. It was just noise. Nothing amazing happened here. I like my action movies to have characters I care about, not just a bunch of people doing stuff that makes me yawn and check my watch.

The only good part about this whole movie were the droid soliders. I felt sorry for them when they were getting sliced up. They belonged at a comedy club, not in battle.

And where was the John Williams score? A half assed version of the theme doesn't even show up until the end. Maybe a little bit or two of the slower theme shows up, but the rest is rock orchestra. Rock.....ROCK?! When I think Star Wars, I don't think Rock. Did someone buy the Halo soundtracks and put them in the movie? The lack of anything sounding remotely like Star Wars makes the film feel nothing like Star Wars.

Whose big idea was it anyway to read the opening crawl, rather that it being on the screen for the audience to read? If you're putting a Star Wars project in theaters, you need the Opening Crawl. It helps get people into the mood.

In the end, I can't believed I payed for a TV Pilot. There was nothing here that warranted a theatrical release.

I love you George, but seriously, try harder next time.

Some Ol' Bull****!